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A Very Good Place to Start (cue Julie Andrews)

August 3, 2012 by Heather Cole

I find myself saying “I’m not looking for a Dom” a lot these days. I tell my significant people, my mama, Nikki and the men who message me on Fetlife. I say it to myself the most, usually when I’m crying because I miss my ex-Master so much. It’s too soon to begin looking. I’m still in the deep sadness that comes from losing someone I loved and served. However, the day will come when I’ll want to find a new Dom. I had the amusing thought that this places me in the same boat as all the other submissives on the same mission. With the current popularity of bdsm in pop culture, me and hundreds of other people will be looking for their perfect Dominant or submissive or switch. This thought was quickly followed by, “how the fuck all am I going to do that?” Followed by, “I need a nap.” I’m not ready to shove my boat back into the vast ocean of kink yet, but let’s talk about the good places to start.

What I don’t know is a lot – As a hardcore nerd, I place great faith in the written word. My journey into bdsm began with an online relationship and a stack of reading material. If you go to our Beginner’s Kink page, you’ll find the building blocks of my bdsm library. Over a year ago I was anxious to learn the fundamental definitions and equipment of my new way of life. This time around I have different questions. What’s proper play party etiquette? What’s the best way to negotiate a scene with a Dom I don’t know well? How does polyamory fit into my needs as a slave? And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. At this point, I have more questions than I have answers. Rather than going to my knees for the first Dominant who crooks a finger at me, I’m feeding my brain first and trusting that the rest will follow.

Call on your community – When I came out of the closet about being kinky, one of the things I wanted to do was connect with my community. Finding fellow kinksters was good for support, friendship and education. At the time, however, my ex-husband was trying to destroy my life, and I couldn’t connect with anyone in the community because it would have been used as ammunition against me. This time it’s different. I’ve found classes for newbies and workshops on all sorts of fetishes. I’m on Fetlife and making kinky friends both virtually and locally. Some days I log into my account on Fet and just stare at the thousands of different ways that people celebrate their kink and feel very much like the Country Mouse visiting its cosmopolitan cousin, the City Mouse. I’m still new in a lot of ways.

The virtues of virtual exploration – As I said before, my bdsm journey started in the virtual world. In fact, virtual bdsm is a fetish in its own right. I know several skilled Dominants that only have virtual submissives. The beauty of virtual Dominance/submission is that it happens in the safety and privacy of your own home. My slave training began in my kitchen with a set of thick wooden spoons from WilliamSonoma. With His first command to hit my ass with a spoon, I began exploring my masochism and submission. I learned to orgasm on command and protocols were established that we maintained for the life of our M/s dynamic. I don’t know that I could go back to a virtual relationship after feeling a Master’s hands around my neck, but it was the perfect place for me to start.

I suppose when it boils down to it, I’ll follow a similar path that I did before. I’ll read as much as I can, ask lots of questions and look for that Dominant spark. I also have significant others to help me through the process, and I trust them implicitly. Even with all these resources, it’s still difficult for me to imagine embarking on that voyage. For the moment, I’m content to just dip my toes in and stare at the horizon over the sea of my ambivalence.


  1. CV says:

    Love reading your thoughts on this. Glad it’s not onlyethat gets overwhelmed. Lately I have been questioning whether I’m cut out for this. I’ve considered deleting Fetlife and just moving on and forgetting it all. Then I realize how stupid that is.

    I love that no matter how long you’ve been in the lifestyle there is still much to learn. And that there are many people willing to guide those of us that struggle.


    • Heather Cole says:

      Beautiful, wonderful, CV. Hugs and more hugs to you, honey. Don’t give up! Educate yourself and figure out what you want first, and the rest will follow. (I say that to myself so often I’m ready to have it tattooed somewhere.) We can do this. And I’m always willing to listen if you want to vent. I think we’re in the same boat. xo

  2. TigerClaw says:

    Good one.

  3. CJ Lemire says:

    I think your instincts are correct. You need to properly grieve your old relationship before you’ll be ready for a new one. That part of the process doesn’t change much just because ‘kinky’ is used as a modifier for ‘relationship’.

    When you’re ready, either consciously or subconsciously, you’ll find what you’re looking for.

    {{{{{ HUGS }}}}}

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