I try to be a good girl, and I ignite when I hear those words roll off of your tongue while I’m on my knees before you, naked, my hands clasped behind my back. Your spoken affirmation sparks a flame deep inside that licks my most delicate places. It’s a delicious sensation that makes my head spin and my body tremble. The anticipation of your touch is maddening, but you know this. You know that the softest brush or the slightest graze will send me flying apart as my need for you overflows and trickles down the inside of my bare thighs. This is the moment, the space in time where I have few boundaries, and I will readily give you absolute power over me. But only because you honor my offering as a gift and are open-minded enough to see me for who I truly am.
I’m a complex person. I don’t try to be difficult on purpose. It’s just the way I’m pieced together. I’m quick-witted, and my mouth has a way of getting me into an ass-load of trouble; sometimes good, sometimes bad. And I make no apologies for it. I’m also guarded to a fault, rarely letting anyone cross over my protective barricade. Once inside though, you’ll discover I’m not the submissive some choose to see. But I’m not dominant either. I’m a wicked combination of both. I’m a switch.
The submissive in me longs to be used by you. My flesh cries out for the sting of your hand. My throat aches for the tight grip of your fingers. In that period of time, I won’t see or hear anything but you. But don’t underestimate me by assuming my hunger to surrender outweighs my need to top. They are two sides of the same coin, and soon my dominant side will wake. When it does, I’ll want that power back. When I decide to reclaim that which I freely gave you, and I assure you I will, I’ll be the one who is testing limits and nudging boundaries a little further. I’ll be the one drawing out breathy pleas for release. The power you give me over you is dangerously addictive. The vision of you so willing to be used, the sounds of your pleasure and the taste of your skin between my teeth is a high like no other.
It took me a long time to figure out who I am, and when I did, I identified myself as a submissive. It was the correct label at the time, but I was still evolving. I wondered why being called a good girl made my whole body tingle, yet saying “Sir” felt awkward and unnatural. It’s not second nature to me. But holding your arms behind your back while you beg for my strap on is.
I’ve encountered Doms who find my dominant streak frustrating, even a little intimidating. They think that segment of my personality is useless and undesirable and of no use to them. I’ve been told that I’m not dominant at all and only the submissive fraction of my identity is acknowledged. What remains is tossed to the side or chalked up to stubbornness. When this happens, I draw an invisible line in the sand and eat an entire pan of brownies while sitting in the middle of the floor poking pins into the voodoo dolls I’ve made. Not really, but it pisses me off. Up until now, I felt less than whole for most of my life because of my sexual compulsions, and I’ll be damned if I’ll feel that way again.
I’ve also known Doms who believe there is no such thing as a switch. That a switch is nothing more than an illusion. I’ve been told I’m simply a submissive who is acting out what is allowed during that moment. That it’s all smoke and mirrors. In my opinion though, a true submissive would have no desire to top. The things I want to do to you are far beyond the realm of submissive behavior.
I’m aware that I’m viewed as a contradiction, an anomaly who is drawn to submission but hates formality and protocol. Rules don’t give me the comfort they are meant to. They put me on alert. If you give me one, I’ll break it. Not because my desire to please doesn’t reach deep enough, because it does. I’m just not wired in a way that allows me to be open to it. Maybe I haven’t met a Dom whose rules I’m willing to accept. Or maybe I haven’t met a Dom who can handle me.
When I wish for you, you’re not a Dom. You’re a man who won’t weigh me down with unrealistic expectations, tasks or restrictions. You’ll know it’s a waste of time. You’ll see all of me and understand that my different flavors come as a package deal, and you’ll savor them all. My unpredictability will excite you. You’ll like not knowing which part of me you’re going to get. You will be assertive enough to put me on my knees when I need it, and you will be strong enough to allow me to bring you to yours. We’ll push each other’s boundaries without fear of judgment. You are a kinkster; dominant and dirty. I will give you all of me, and you will use me well.