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Let’s Talk, Jolly Man

December 5, 2012 by Heather Cole

Dear Santa:

Oh the holiday yada yada about you. Dude, gimme a break! Your mall representation is creepy. I mean, what kind of person disguises himself in order to lure children into sitting on his lap? Ew. And no. You’re one small step away from clown classification, and we both know how scary that shit is. I’ve never believed in you even as a child, and I was terrified that you’d grab me in the mall. Lucky for you, though, I’m older and have developed a fondness for men with big sacks. And since you’re in the business of giving and I love to receive… I thought we should have a chat. There are a few things we need to discuss.

I did some research, because I believe in knowing my enemies. *cough* Er, annoying legendary acquaintances. Your origins are decidedly pre-Christian which ups your interesting factor in my opinion. Parallels have been drawn between you and Odin, the All Father, of Norse mythology. A one-eyed mysterious god riding an eight-legged horse is pretty damn cool. I suppose eight reindeer look cuter on a Christmas card than a mutant horse, but c’mon, they’re deer. And deer are stupid assholes. Better yet, riding a unicorn would be much classier AND you’d have the added option of making threesomes more fun all over the world. Trust me, bowl full of jelly, there’s plenty of you to go around. Share the wealth! Literally!

Oh, I know what you’re waiting for. You’re preparing to turn me down when I plead for a spot your “nice” list.

Pffft.

That’s what I think of your list. Give me naughty any day. Because if I had to choose one list (it’s a shame you don’t have a List of Contradictions) for evermore, I’d choose the Dark Side. In my world, my dear Mr. Claus, naughty is a good thing, and it’s the naughty girls who get rewarded. Should I send you a pic of what I’m talking about?

My list of demands are simple:

  • a jeweled butt plug plus a training set of plugs (I’m all about expanding my horizons)
  • gift cards to Victoria’s Secret, because I’ve had more underwear ripped and taken by horny men than you have fluffy white pompoms in your wardrobe
  • an upgrade to my phone because my boob shots are seriously blurry with my current version
  • a latex skirt
  • gift cards to the grocery store – How else do you think I lure fine upstanding men and women into my bed? I offer them cupcakes! And biscuits. And homemade macaroni and cheese. Works every time.

You see, for a brat like me, your threats are empty. Especially if there are switches involved. Forget the coal crap. First of all, coal isn’t an environmentally friendly option. Secondly, WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH COAL, SANTA? Turn me over your knee and take me to task with a switch. Two switches! Four? (of varying widths please)

When It boils down to it, I bet my girlfriend hits harder than you. So give me your best shot, Santa baby. If you’re really good, I’ll let Mrs. Claus watch.


2 Comments »

  1. Brittany says:

    STOP MAKING ME SWOON!

    I love your list of demands 😀 Pfft Santa is a wimp. Liri DAMN STRAIGHT hits harder than he does.

  2. I’ve never been jealous of Santa before today. If the big man isn’t up for a spanking, you know where to find me.

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