Dear MAC Cosmetics:
You’ve failed me, MAC! *shakes fists*
Okay, now that the dramatic entrance is out of the way, we can get down to business. I have a legitimate complaint about the versatility of your mascara. I admit it does a beautiful job of making my lashes longer and fuller. And even though it’s not waterproof, it holds up well in the shower. It even looks fabulous with my eyes squeezed shut when Mr. K *almost* fists my vagina. But the moment things get hot and heavy and my face is shoved into a pillow, it all goes to hell in a handbasket. Don’t even get me started on its inability to stand strong against an eye full of semen.
Pfft. Smudge proof my ass.
Who sets these standards anyway? Do you have a quality control department specifically designed to test the effects of fucking? If not, I highly recommend you get on that. Heh…get on that.
I know I can’t be the only one who’s lived through this makeup meltdown. There must be hoards of others just like me. Women who cringe at the thought of hearing “you have mascara under your eyes, baby” while basking in the afterglow of post-coital bliss. Or while searching high and low for their missing butt plug. Shut up, it happens.
I don’t think I’m being unrealistic here. I’m not asking for lip gloss that remains unmoved during blow jobs, or hair that stays perfectly coiffed after my knees have been held up to my ears. That would be ridiculous. Besides, the freshly fucked look is gloriously sexy. Raccoon eyes? Not so much.
Dear Too Faced:
I heart you, baby. I heart you hard and naked in a field of blooming tulips as unicorns graze nearby. Your Shadow Insurance is a miracle worker. I don’t know what you put in that small golden tube of loveliness, but whatever it is, it makes my eye makeup stay perfectly in place. And I’ll have you know that I’ve tested it on multiple special occasions. Like during a fetish ball AND an orgy. It survived sweating on a crowded dance floor, getting poked in the eye by a pair of massive butterfly wings, being tied and flogged on a St. Andrew’s cross and multiple orgasms.
Perhaps your makeup scientists already know this, but eating pussy can sometimes be a gloriously messy event. I mean, if you’re doing it right. Recently I’ve been working on my technique which means that I like investing time between a woman’s thighs. Anyone who wears makeup doesn’t want to be framed between her legs sporting raccoon eyes. Unless you’re into that. With your Shadow Insurance as my base, my eye makeup remains perfect even after twenty minutes of cunnilingus. Not even orgasms smudge my shadow and eyeliner!
In fact, after I made beautiful Ms T orgasm at the orgy, I untangled myself from the crowded bed to take a pee break. (Even at orgies people have to pee.) One glance in the mirror showed me that, lo and behold, my eyes were unsmudged. I was so tickled that I flung open the bathroom door and announced, “MY EYE MAKEUP IS STILL WONDERFUL!” A crowd of blank stares met my reaction, but still I was triumphant. Wait, is cunnilingus one of your strenuous testing phases of your makeup lines? Because, sweeties, I will so offer to be your guinea pig.