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‘Ask Heather Anything’ Category

  1. Circumcised or Uncircumcised, that is the question… On ASK HEATHER

    May 19, 2017 by Heather Cole

     

    Dear Heather,

    I had two questions for you:

    1. How important is circumcision status of sexual partners to you when choosing an erotic and enjoying (pleasurable/enjoyable) sexual relations?
    2. In your personal life, do you prefer men to have been circumcised?

    Thanks for writing a great blog. I look forward to reading your reply.

    Sincerely,

    J.F.

     

    Dear J.F.

    Thanks for writing! Before I launched into my personal opinion, I decided to do some quick research on the internet about circumcision.

    “Circumcision removes a substantial part of the penis, which is not just ‘a piece of skin.’ The foreskin is a specialized, retractable sleeve of erogenous tissue that protects the head of the penis, can be manipulated during sex and masturbation, and amounts to about 50 square centimeters in the adult male.”

    To read the entire Huffington Post article by a Danish doctor in favor of leaving penises intact, click here.

    “…circumcision rate in newborns has declined from 83 percent in the 1960s to 77 percent in 2010. (The overall rate among U.S. males age 14 to 59 is 81 percent, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.)

    Additionally, the data suggests there is a racial disparity driven primarily by access to procedure and cultural and educational factors. Circumcision rates over the last decade reached 91 percent in white men, 76 percent in black men and only 44 percent in Hispanic men.”

    To read the entire CBS News article promoting male circumcision, click here.

    What I gleaned from an hour of perfunctory research on the internet was that there are supporters on both sides, the circumcised and the uncircumcised. There were doctors who claimed that circumcisions should be as accepted as vaccines for infants and others who claimed that those health benefits were overblown and that the procedure was painful and unnecessary. But none of that really answered my reader’s questions, now did it.

    I’ve had sexual experiences with both types of penises, and honestly, I never formed a preference. When I lived in South America during my senior year of college, only one of the men I had slept with was circumcised. All of my college boyfriends in the US had been up until that point, even the African exchange student that I had deflowered. So I was surprised when I encountered my first uncircumcised penis but not alarmed. And after we began fucking, it didn’t seem to affect anything one way or another as far as my pleasure was concerned.

    Flash forward to the years after my divorce, and I had serious relationships with two uncircumcised men. It was the first time I really took note of the joys of an intact penis. This probably was due to the fact that I was beginning to hit my stride with oral sex and blowjobs. I finally had gained an appreciation for how a penis tasted and felt in my mouth. It was also around this time that I realized that penises possessed their own unique scent as well.

    I loved B very much. He cooked incredible Brazilian dishes, and he played with my toddler daughter in gleeful abandon. During our nights alone we drank caipirinhas and had sex all over the house. Before we got down and dirty, however, he would slip away to the bathroom for a quick penis cleanup. He was the first man to explain to me that he preferred to freshen up his uncircumcised penis before sex. I told him that it didn’t matter to me, but I respected that he felt more confident doing so. At any rate, my attraction to him and the pleasure I received/gave during sex never suffered for it.

    The other uncircumcised boyfriend who happened after B was a different story. Generally speaking, his penis was large and he knew how to use it. I loved having sex with him. Blowjobs, not so much. My sensitive sense of smell did not jive with his penis scent. I didn’t know that there was anything he could have done to change it. It was biology or pheromones or whatever, and just like some guys didn’t cotton to some vaginas, the same thing happened with women and penises.

    In my experience, being circumcised or uncircumcised didn’t impact my sexual experience significantly. The most important aspects of sex to me were the chemical, physical reaction between us and our sexual, energetic connection. Sight, taste, touch, and smell all fed into that. Looking back, I don’t know for certain that the funky penis smell had anything to do with being uncircumcised. The boyfriend in question and I had way bigger problems than that, and sometimes I think that our clash of biological differences was the first sign that we were incompatible. At any rate, the part most important thing to me was, and still is, the quality of man who’s connected to the penis, be it circumcised or uncircumcised.

    I hope that satisfies your curiosity, J.F. Thanks again for your question!

    *boob smoosh*

    Heather


  2. Dear Heather: Can We Talk About Pain in Play

    April 4, 2015 by Heather Cole

    Sparks of blue water on a white background ...

     

    Heather,
    You have written about the pain you enjoy during play. Can you talk about / share tips on how to expand one’s pain threshold? How to find that quiet inner place and stay there?
    Thanks!
    Rachel

    Dear Rachel,

    The good news is that our pain thresholds are completely subjective. This means that with practice and training we can increase them. If you work at different pain coping techniques, you will be able to meld pleasure and pain into one or release the pain altogether. It’s within our control, as the receiver of the stimulus, to manage the pain in play. The Top who’s delivering the stimulus can help or hinder our processing, depending on their intention for the scene, but ultimately it rests in our hands. Er, brains.

    There are three factors that impact how I process pain in BDSM: 1. my headspace, 2. the intention of the Top applying the stimulus, and 3. the type of stimulus. #3 is of lesser importance than the other two, because again, it’s going to be my brain and mindset that will be doing the heavy lifting of pain management in a scene. All three of these factors have places where they overlap and interconnect, and you’ll be able to figure out the ways they work together for you.

    Finding your inner ‘quiet place’ takes practice, so I suggest exploring through visualization and meditation before you’re involved in a scene. This is the first step in stretching your pain threshold. My favorite quote from Dune is, “Fear is the mindkiller,” and you don’t have to ride giant worms through the sand to relate. The fear we experience anticipating the stimulus (regardless of whether it’s bondage, impact play, knives, needles, or whatever) is the checkmate to our freedom from pain. So the anxiety about how the cane is going to feel whacking your ass will counteract releasing those feelings and extending the experience. Let go of your pre-scene jitters through some deep-breathing/relaxation techniques, and the memory of how that feels to be peaceful and quiet can be your foundation as you begin a scene.

    Have you ever meditated? The elements of meditation are simple. Focus on making your breath deep and even. Although your body is undergoing physical, consensual stress, centering your focus on how you breathe will allow you to shift your awareness away from the stimulus happening to your physical self. With meditation, it’s a combination of deep breathing and relaxing your body that allows you to shift awareness. Our overall goal is to feel the pain but not hold on to it. The more we can let it go, the longer we can experience the stimulus and extend our play. Quieting your mind and evening out your breath will aid you in accomplishing this.

    Sometimes it helps me during a scene to visualize the impact as raindrops falling on water or bursts of colors that then dissolve into nothing. Think of it like fireworks. There’s the build of noise (which is the building stimulus), then a shot of color that bursts into stars (the pain of impact), and then the glittering light fades away into darkness (the pain goes away). Move that pain from the point of impact to nothingness. Again, it’s that shifting of awareness that transforms the pain into something other than this overwhelming thing that we’re desperate to escape.

    When I play with others, sir and I typically negotiate a date and I have lots of time to prepare. This means visualizing myself processing stimulus easily, and most importantly, feeling the pain enter and leave my body easily. We want it to leave, right? What we don’t want is to become so overwhelmed that we have to “red” and call all action to a halt, unless it’s necessary for your emotional or physical well-being. My mantra is that pain is fleeting, and my focus is on breathing through it. My darling sir, however, often wants to keep me on the edge. His intention is to keep my awareness sharp, and instead of letting me drift away on a wave of endorphins, he wants to test my boundaries. Delightfully sadistic, right? Sometimes, I can’t find that quiet place no matter what I do. My emotions are tumultuous, and I can’t catch my breath. Those are the times that I can only surrender and endure the rollercoaster ride. Despite my best intentions, sometimes pain gets the better of me, and I end up pleading for mercy. Let’s face it, sometimes our Dominants want tears. And this brings me to the second factor: the intention of your Top.

    If your Top is working with you to aid or train you to process pain, how they apply the stimulus can help tremendously. Several different chemicals are released naturally during the course of a scene, but the one that BDSM practitioners talk about the most is endorphins. Our endorphin friends are natural pain managers. The body releases them in waves, and your first hit can occur pretty fast with something as simple as nipple stimulation. Of course, everyone’s chemistry is different so the timeframe of release will vary. Generally you can achieve, with the Top’s help of course, your first endorphin rush within the first few moments of stimulus, and then it’s five to ten minutes to work up to the next release. In the example of a caning, the Top’s first hits will release endorphins into your bloodstream. Then it’s five to ten minutes of minimal stimulus, or a sensual caning, to allow your body to build up the supply, and harder hits to release it again. As more and more endorphins enter your bloodstream, your body will require more impact or stimulus in order to release more. It’s all about build-up, baby.

    I’m guessing, Rachel, that you might process some stimulus easier than others. Do you have a favorite implement? Is the thud of a flogger more soothing than the sting of a metal spatula? Or do you favor sting over thud? Practicing with your favorite impact toy is the easiest way to begin stretching that pain threshold. For example, the rhythmic thud of my favorite, heavy flogger feels like a security blanket to me. The flip side of the coin is that something sharp like a knife. Not only does the keen edge give me the flutter of anxiety butterflies of anticipation, but the sensation of being cut isn’t soothing to me. That pain process is trickier for me to release, but I’m working on it.

    The key to all of this, however, is consent and trust. I can’t stress this enough. I’m free to focus on my pain during play, because I trust that my sir isn’t going to do anything that will irreparably damage me. I trust that he wants my happiness as much as I desire to please him. We have spent a lot of time and effort discussing limits and giving consent to various activities. And if I play with someone else, the limits of stimulus are carefully negotiated. Nothing happens without consent from all parties involved, and during play, my sir or the Top checks in with me to see how I’m feeling during the scene. We use the colors “green,” “yellow,” and “red” to indicate how I’m processing physically and emotionally, and it’s that kind of clear, open communication that leads to a successful scene. Even though I may feel nervous about something we might do, I never fear for my safety. Neither should you.


  3. Ask Heather – Tips for a Newbie Kinkster

    February 4, 2015 by Heather Cole

    Orange candy heart that reads ask me against white background.Hi Heather,

    I just wanted to thank you and Nikki for having such an amazing blog! I am just getting into the kink world and I don’t even know where to find people to fit in. Do you have any tips for someone who’s a timid person to break into the kink community?

    Thanks so much,

    JxF

     

    Dear JxF:

    Thanks for the compliment, sugar britches, and thanks for your great question. Your timing couldn’t be better, because I’m co-writing a book with a fellow kinkster about dating kinky and all the ins and outs that go with it. Heh. In and out. The book will be out in February, but until then (I’d never make you wait that long, sweetie!), let’s chat about where the wild things are.

    You’ve probably already taken a look at our Beginner’s Kink page, and there are some good newbie Q&A on the Ask Heather page too. Especially Mr. RSVP who had to be educated in appropriate party etiquette. In the RSVP post I also mentioned a Munch, which pertains to your situation specifically, but we’ll get to that in a moment.

    Probably the easiest way for you to connect with your kinkster community is to create an account on Fetlife. There are other kinky social media sites out there, but Fetlife is my favorite because I’ve found that it’s the easiest way to connect with the goings-on in my local community. Once you have an account, you can search for groups in your geographical area. There will be discussion threads for each group, announcements, and after a little bit of searching, I’m certain you’ll discover the time and location of your local Munch.

    On Fetlife you’ll also find individual writings where kinksters share their personal musings, and that can be educational as well. Or at the very least, eye-opening and/or amusing.

    The nice thing about kinky social media, as with all social media, is that you can lurk. I don’t mean that in a creeper way either. For those of us who are shy (yes, I can be shy too in new situations) it’s nice to read about events or activities before actually attending and participating. Am I right? For example, I joined the group that hosts our local Slave Hunt and read all the threads and discussions for a year before I summoned the courage to attend a Hunt in person. Reading about something isn’t exactly like experiencing it, but research helps ease my nervousness about taking the plunge into something new.

    This leads me the most reassuring part about entering the kink community. There are events, called Munches, that are specifically designed to welcome interested people to the community. They typically take place in a vanilla setting, like a restaurant. (I like eating bacon while meeting new people.) There may be a topic of discussion for that particular meeting, or it may be a purely social, meet-n-greet. I was a bundle of butterflies when I attended my first Munch at a local seafood restaurant. The food was terrible, but the people were incredibly friendly. They didn’t hesitate to introduce themselves and encouraged me to look them up on Fetlife. And every single one of them invited me back to the next Munch.

    Another great aspect to a Munch is that if someone approaches you to play, or wants to know you better, a Munch offers a neutral place to meet and talk. In fact, I’ve offered to take a friend to a Munch, so she can start meeting other kinksters in a safe environment that holds no pressure for newbies. Shoot, you don’t have to talk to another soul if you don’t want to, although I highly encourage you to say more than “pass the salt, please.” The feeling of finding people who are like you, interested in kink, is the greatest gift. Knowing that you’re not alone in the world and “weird” for liking the things that you do… that feeling is worth its weight in gold. I encourage you to reach out and take that first step to a Munch, and trust me, everyone is nervous their first time. Every single one of us was a newbie kinkster in the beginning.

    As with all things social, it may take some exploration to find the group of people that you really “click” with. There are millions of flavors of “kink,” and as a newbie, it will take time and experiences for you to figure out where you fit best. Or rather, with which people you feel the greatest connection. It can feel intimidating when you’re new, but we won’t bite unless you ask us. Once you’ve joined a kink-friendly social media site and start searching, new worlds will open up. We’re out here, and we want to welcome you. Just take that first step and meet us halfway.

    Hugs and Good luck!

    ~Heather

    Have a burning question about BDSM, kink, or sex? (The kind of burning that doesn’t need penicillin.) Write me and ask away! heathercole@vaginaantics.com


  4. Ask Heather: How Do I Pee in front of Sir?

    June 27, 2014 by Heather Cole

    Dear Heather,

    Sir and i were watching a film together with me sitting by His feet. In the middle of the film i felt the need to go to the bathroom. i got up and said to Sir that i needed to go to pee. Suddenly He asked me, “Do you really want to go to the toilet?” I replied yes. He then asked again, “Would you pee into a glass if I asked you to?”

    i should have known better but i immediately said “Are you kidding me? Of course not!” HUGE MISTAKE to be defiant. He said to me either i peed in a glass in front of Him or hold it. I did hold it till the end of the film and asked Him again. i still didn’t want to pee in from of Sir in a glass. So He ordered me to bend over my bench. He told be He was going to strike me with my paddle 40 times. He would continue till I would go pee in that glass.

    After a dozen of strikes, i said i would try. i tried but nothing came out. Some kind of muscle down there just wouldn’t relax enough for me to pee. Embarrassment was out of my head already. i just wanted to do what Sir wanted me to do. i failed and accepted the rest of the punishment.

    But Sir promised me that He will have me pee in that glass one day.

    Do you have any tips? No matter how much i tried to relax, the pee won’t come out.

    Zoe

    P.S. i am very happy with the blog you and Nikki have. I especially love your letter to your Sir at the anniversary. Very touching and inspirational.

     

    Dear Zoe:

    Thank you so much for writing! I had to squeal with joy that you gave me the opportunity to share this skill I’ve developed. Let’s face it. It’s not every day that you get to offer pointers on how to pee in a cup with an audience. (Although I suppose this would be helpful for drug testing.) Your email about the situation with your Master sent me tripping down memory lane to the first time I tried to pee in front of my sir. Like you, I couldn’t relax enough to do it, and I felt embarrassed that I had failed in my service even though my first reaction was, “YOU WANT ME TO WHAT?.” I’d say that my smartass mouth has improved since then, as well as, my ability to pee in front of an audience, but that’d be a lie.

    A little background for those VA readers who are wondering why the heck this is even a thing… in a dynamic of Dominance and submission, whether it’s part of BDSM or Domestic Discipline or whatever, the Dominant is the doer and the submissive receives the stimulus. Sometimes the action of the Dominant, in this example the command to pee, isn’t the actual fetish. It’s the aspect of control, of making your submissive do something he/she doesn’t really want to. And sadism can certainly play a part if the Dominant enjoys the sub’s discomfort, embarrassment, or humiliation. The submissive on the other hand, providing that the action isn’t a hard limit, often enjoys having boundaries pushed and likes complying with the command. Of course, how this specifically plays out in the dynamic depends on the people involved, but that’s the general outline of the game. And holy moly, can it be a fun fucking game.

    My dear Zoe, there are two specific things that helped my bladder get over its stage fright. The first thing was kegels. (I simply read the word, and I’m compelled to do them.) Here’s a simple how-to and why from the Mayo Clinic. If you don’t do them already, they will be very helpful in teaching you how to control the muscles that control urination. Not to mention the added bonus of tightening up your vag. Stopping your pee midstream while you’re by yourself in the bathroom can illustrate what those muscles feel like when you tighten and release them. This is the first step to many things sexually. Know your body and how it works! When your brain gives the command to stop peeing, you then have to give yourself the command to release. As you become conscious of this instinctive function, you’ll be able to control it more which will allow you to control it better when the time arises for you to do it on command. Hurray!

    I’m guessing that your punishment didn’t help matters either, because your body was tensed for the spanking. Once your muscles are in the place of receiving stimulus, it would be challenging to relax them enough to relieve yourself while feeling embarrassed about doing so (or failing to) in front of your Dominant. The trick is to become comfortable enough to pee and perform way before the situation gets to punishment. Although your spanking sounds pretty hot. Just sayin’.

    The other thing that really helped me was practice. I was partially forced to practice because sir took away my right to privacy. In our house, there are no closed doors except when sir wants his privacy. Otherwise, sir can wander in and watch me do whatever I’m doing in the bathroom. In the beginning, I was appalled. And grossed out. I mean, bathroom functions are private. I don’t like doing them in front of trained medical professionals let alone people I love and have sexy times with.

    I don’t think you have to start peeing with the bathroom door open, but you need to shape up your pee muscles by practicing with kegels. Then you need to practice more by peeing into a cup in the bathroom or wherever you want to do it. Don’t be afraid to make a mess. My first couple times I freaking sprayed pee everywhere. Thank goodness I was in the kitchen (and on the linoleum). I started out with a bowl then worked my way into smaller and smaller cups. When I finally could pee in a juice glass without spilling a drop, I felt like a badass ninja motherfucker. I’m pretty sure I yelled, “Fuck yeah!” and did a victory lap through the dining room.

    When I was finished writing this response, I read it aloud to sir for his feedback. He replied that he didn’t want to condone unsubstantiated claims on the internet (can you tell he’s a lawyer?) so he sent me downstairs to fetch a juice glass. Next thing I know, I’m standing in the bathtub and preparing to pee into the juice glass. I confess that I got a case of the giggles as I watched sir settle himself on the bath mat like he was preparing to watch something riveting on the television. No doubt he wanted to scrutinize the process and add to my nervousness. He suggested that I hum to myself to get things going, but once I focused on the task at hand, I filled that juice cup with ease. I was reminded of two other factors that may help in your training. 1.) It’s easier if you feel the need to go. Not an emergency situation, but wait to practice until you feel a significant urge to empty your bladder. 2.) The more delicate I try to be or the more careful (i.e. when I’m trying making it a trickle), the more I spray or dribble all over myself. It’s when I let go with confidence that I have one single, strong stream. Also, don’t hold the cup too high against your crotch. You’ll only make things messier.

    Once you become familiar with the series of muscles working when you pee, and you get used to peeing in things other than the toilet, I have the utmost confidence that you’ll be able to pee for your Master when the situation calls for it. And when you do, please tell me about your victory lap.

    *boob smoosh*

    Heather


  5. Dear Heather: Is This Relationship Possible?

    January 23, 2014 by Heather Cole

    Dear Heather: I’m a hetero poly male who is interested in dating a hetero poly female. She’s also in a D/s relationship with another guy. What the heck is up with D/s, and is it possible to make something work when I don’t want anything to do with that kind of thing? She’s awesome, but I don’t know if I should pursue her given her other involvements. What do you think?

    — A no D/s Dude

     

    Dear Dude:

    I think you’ve asked one of the many complex questions of the universe, and my short answer is this: It depends. There are a lot of factors to consider in this equation, and I sympathize with your dilemma because I’ve been there myself. On the opposite end of it, though.

    The first question is can you honor her Dominant/submissive dynamic even if you don’t understand it? D/s and M/s are polarizing concepts even within the kink community. People have hundreds of legit reasons for why it does or doesn’t work for them, and there are always heavily debated pros/cons online wherever kinksters hang out. In fact, I’ve talked about my reasons for choosing M/s a lot on this blog, and we have a list of resources if you want to educate yourself.

    In it’s simplest definition, Dominance/submission (the DS in the middle of BDSM) is “a set of behaviors, customs and rituals involving the giving by one individual to another individual of control over them in a BDSM erotic episode or lifestyle. Physical contact is not a necessity, and it can even be conducted anonymously over the telephone, email or other messaging systems. In other cases, it can be intensely physical, sometimes traversing into sadomasochism. In D/s, both parties take pleasure or erotic enjoyment from either dominating or being dominated.”

    D/s can take many forms and each construct of the relationship is different depending on the Dominant and submissive involved. The levels of commitment and intensity run a broad spectrum from occasional play to a 24/7 lifestyle. As the definition explained, some people experience D/s solely through electronic means. It can be anonymous and casual. The other end of the spectrum is intense both physically and mentally and can involve long term commitments.

    You might not feel the need to understand what D/s means for your potential love interest, but you should get a sense of her commitment. You need to talk about boundaries and time. Is she in a 24/7 type of dynamic where she’s D/s all the time? Or is it a weekend here and there or maybe a couple of hours every week? The one question all my ex-lovers had was “how does your D/s affect me?” You need to ask this question too because the truth is that although she may not think it will, if she’s in a 24/7 D/s relationship, it’s GOING TO affect you. If you’ve had any experience with poly (and it sounds like you have) then you understand that we don’t have relationships in a vacuum. There may be overlap between your more traditional relationship and her D/s in some areas, and you’re definitely going to feel something about her D/s. Like I said, it’s a kink that generates opinions in everyone. If her D/s is something casual that she does on occasion to get her rocks off, then the effects on her other relationships will be less in my opinion.

    You liking D/s or disliking it isn’t the heart of the issue, though. More importantly, can you have your opinions and still respect hers? Her kinks may not be yours, and you need to honor her choices for anything (even friendship) to work. Because this is the part that gets under my skin. I understand that you may not ever understand or even like the fact that I call myself a BDSM sex slave, but you damn well better respect my right to choose this. Live and let live, brother. Nothing will cause more stress and conflict for the two of you if you belittle her dynamic. Asking questions and talking about it is really good, but don’t be disdainful or ridicule it. And most importantly, don’t think less of her or respect her less because she chooses to submit.

    There may come a time where she tells you about something she did with her consent and within the bounds of her D/s arrangement that inspires you to say WTF?! Trust me, this happens. Even if you find the activity baffling and maybe repugnant, can you give her the space and respect to have that experience without your judgment and condemnation? Because your negative reaction will make her much less likely to open up to you again about D/s, and less communication in any relationship is the opposite direction of where you want to go.

    What I’m trying to say here is that no one in this scenario is right or wrong. You’re both trying to figure out if you’re a good fit which is key in any type of relationship. But in my opinion, pursuing someone in a lifestyle that you don’t approve of or understand might not be the most suitable match.

    Rock on, dude.

    Heather


  6. Ask Heather: Where Are Anal-Loving Ladies?

    November 12, 2013 by Heather Cole

    I have a question for you that I don’t quite know how to ask, so I will be as polite as I can.

    You are a rare treasure of a woman, and as a man that loves anal sex I have been hard pressed to find a woman that even remotely enjoys it. It’s usually seen as taboo, or nasty even though I know all of the ways to keep it sanitary. So here is my question. Are women who enjoy anal really so elusive, or am I not looking in the right places? I admit, even men’s gully holes are starting to look good to me at this point.

    ~Dark Passenger

     

    Dear Dark Passenger:

    Thank you very much for the politely worded question and the compliment. I appreciate both. Now let’s talk anal sex.

    Finding a person who shares your fantasies or kinks can feel like trying to find a needle in a haystack sometimes. And I’ve never understood why people place anal sex in the taboo category or see it as scandalous. In my eyes, anal sex is a part of regular, vanilla sex. CRAZY, I know. There are other women out there who feel the same <points at Nikki> and it will take patience to find them. But I know that they’re out there. I’m absolutely positively sure that they exist. Wearing a scarlet ‘AS’ on our shirts would be helpful, I know, but since many of us are undercover taking-it-in-the-ass lovers, patience is more practical. Keep the faith, Dark Passenger!

    Have you tried looking at a fetish site? Anal play is popular with many kinksters. In fact, there are anal groups that you can join to discuss your mutual adoration of ass play. But even more important than zeroing in on a certain website or concentrating all your focus on a woman who loves anal sex, I think it’s most important to find someone willing to explore it. Sometimes all it takes is someone willing to try something new or explore a concept again with a new partner. I’m speaking from first hand experience, because I didn’t always love anal.

    In college my first anal sex experience was super hot. It was like discovering a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow–unicorns and glitter abound! But many of the men I later dated didn’t even broach the subject of anal. Eventually I married, and I entered a nine-year anal sex dry spell. My ex-husband proclaimed that as far as he was concerned, I didn’t possess an asshole and he thought it was disgusting to even contemplate touching a sphincter during sex. So like I said, I went a looooooong time without anal sex. After my divorce, when I re-entered the dating world, anal sex became a hot topic again especially when I began dating kinky people. The challenge was that for a variety of reasons, anal sex had become painful for me.

    This is the part where I think finding a willing woman can be as great as finding one that is an anal whore (and I mean that as a huge compliment) right out of the box. When I started dating the man who is now my Dominant and master, I realized that if I wanted to please him in all the ways that I could, I would have to find a way to enjoy anal sex again. Sure, I could bite my tongue and take it up the ass like a good girl, but as much as sir enjoys anal sex, I knew I’d be having it a lot. Luckily for both of us, my soulmateclone Nikki Blue published a fantastic guide to anal sex and I started doing my homework.

    I learned a lot from Nikki’s guide, and sir and I have tried anal sex in different positions, with different lubes and under all sorts of conditions. Stairs are tricky. *cough* I’ve had some amazing anal sex again, but the biggest lesson I learned was that having a willing partner to explore new sexual territory is the most important component. Because as much as you think you know about a sexual topic, you could probably learn more. At least, that’s how it was in my case. All I needed was a little direction and a gentle push from sir. <snort> I’m totally restraining the cock jokes here. ANYWAY…

    It takes patience to find a willing partner, and then more patience as you explore anal sex together. Guides like Nikki’s Fundamentals of Fabulous Anal Sex are very helpful, and if you can show your partner that you’re willing to take it slow and that you’re focused on her enjoying the experience as much as you do, then I predict many pleasure filled times ahead of you. Don’t lose hope, Dark Passenger. We anal sex loving girls are out there. Keep in mind that sometimes we don’t realize how great it can be, but we’re willing to try if you are.

    Here’s a song to illustrate what I mean.

    Hugs,

    Heather

     


  7. Ask Heather: Is This Dom Copacetic?

    March 11, 2013 by Heather Cole

    Hi,
    I was referred to you by a man who identifies himself as a Dom. I’m struggling mightily here and don’t know what to do.
    I have been in relationship with a Master for almost 2 months now. We met on Twitter and we skype, etc., so I am confident that he is male, etc.
    When we first began chatting, he told me immediately to either submit or not; in other words, the choice to be His slave had to be made very quickly. I was collared within three days.
    He follows a Gorean model, that is, i am a full slave, this is a TPE…he used to tell me i had a long way to go but now he has requested that I move to be with him within 2 weeks. There are no safe words, etc. This would be ok, I think, except today he sent me a pic of someone else fellating him. I knew there were other women but I don’t want to see the pix and this surprised and hurt me. Also he is not willing to provide any documentation that he is free of stds, however I am supposed to provide such to him.
    He has asked that I scan and email my bank statements and pay stubs to him.
    I just don’t know if I can really do this and if this is what it is really like…I’ve had two Doms prior to this Master but i was the first sub for both of them and neither relationship ended well.
    So I guess my question is, does this sound copacetic? Does it sound like…typing it all out, part of my brain is screaming RUN AWAY FAST. lol. But I do so want to belong to an alpha male who will guide me to be my best…
    Any advice you can give would be appreciated.
    Thanks,
    Would Be Slave
    Dear Would Be:

    My first reaction is to agree with your brain that screams RUN AWAY FAST. There are so many red flags in this man’s behavior that I almost didn’t know where to begin. In other words, RUN AWAY FAST. Here are my top concerns:

    1. The “Gorean model” that you refer to is literally based on the science fiction novels by John Norman. In other words, Gorean philosophy is to kink what Scientology is to religion. Interestingly enough you don’t have to be a slave to be Gorean, and many people who follow the Gorean philosophy don’t own slaves at all. However, I don’t understand at all what appeals to slaves who choose this, because you’re essentially signing up to a fantasy where you have no sovereign rights. Gorean philosophy says that you do whatever your Master says without recourse or protection. There’s no safeword in this scenario. What if he wants you to pluck his butt hairs? Or sign over your entire paycheck? What if he told you that you had to give away your dog? Saying that “this is the Gorean way” is code for “I’m the Dom and I’m going to do whatever I want and you’re going to shut up and take it, Would Be Slave.” Sweet cheeks, if you want to follow some science fiction philosophy, I can recommend WAY better novels than this crap.

    2. Collaring – Being collared is a huge deal, and as much as it’s about being considered by a Dom, it’s also YOU considering HIM. Yes, you have power as a slave. Dumb Domme wrote a great post about the consideration phase here. I wrote about my own trials and tribulations with consideration too, because it’s a process that can take months and months. And even after all that time and trying different things, the dynamic may never work how you’d want it to. The fact that he told you that you had to make this life-changing decision in three days reeks of manipulation and coercion. If he had any desire to build a D/s relationship on trust and caring, he would give both of you ample time to foster those feelings in one another. For heaven’s sakes, you haven’t even talked about whether or not other partners are ok and if you want pictures of it! He seems to have given you the feedback that you ‘have a long way to go,’ but what about him? What’s he doing to impress you and convince you that he’s the owner you want? My bet is that he’s doing nothing except trying to control your every move.

    3. Your Health – I don’t care what the lifestyle is, if this man wants to have sexual intercourse with you then he should be completely honest with you about his STD test results. Good health is precious, and if he cares about you, he’ll answer all your questions and show you his bill of health. If he has an STD like herpes, for example, it’s imperative that you know what the risks are if you choose to have sex. The reverse is just as true. In my humble opinion, full disclosure is imperative to a good relationship. You shouldn’t gamble your good health on a man who won’t give you a straight answer.

    4. Your Money – Any person (I don’t care if it’s the President of the United States)  who starts demanding access to your private information before you’ve met in person WANTS TO TAKE YOUR MONEY. I’m concerned if you give him your financial information, he’ll swindle you. By the time you figure it out or your relationship suddenly sours, he will have spent all of your life savings.

    My dear Would Be, I deeply empathize with your desire for ownership. As a slave, I recognize that driving need within you. I feel a similar need in me. However, we choose our Dominants just as they choose us, and we need to select someone who helps us be better than who we are today. The man who owns you should value you as he would his most valued treasure and seek to guide you to be the best slave possible. A good Dom like that doesn’t grow on trees, but I know they’re out there. Listen to your heart, Would Be. Your heart is saying this guy isn’t worth it, and I agree. He doesn’t deserve you.

    Hugs,
    Heather


  8. Ask Heather – Why oh why

    January 21, 2013 by Heather Cole

    Dear Heather

    I do have a question for you though and I hope you don’t mind me asking and feel free not to answer it, but I’m just trying to understand the Sub thing more. So……

    I can understand giving yourself up as Sub to a Dom in a sexual context, but I find it harder to understand how, as an obviously strong and self-assured woman, you keep that going in your day-to-day life.

    I’m referring to the situation when you and your fella are at the table and you miss a message from him and are mortified that you missed it and want to put your head in his lap.

    Please don’t think I’m disapproving of this, but if someone had have done that to me I’d have told them to feck off and stop bossing me about. Sooooooo my question is….. what is the motivation for living the Sub life as a lifestyle choice as opposed to a sexual episode thing?

    Is it that it’s an instinctive feeling that dominates your being? Where does the feeling of satisfaction at being beholden to someone come from?

    Sorry if this sounds rude, I’m not disapproving (as if I’d have a right to), but I find it fascinating that a woman who seems to self-assured and confident within herself would wish to have someone dictate their movements or feelings.

    Hope you don’t mind me asking.

    Anonymous

     

    Dear Anon:

    I don’t mind you asking these questions at all, because I ask myself the same ones a lot. Plus you’re so very polite… how can I resist answering?

    To begin with, I have no definitive answer as to why I’m submissive. I suppose you could compare it to being bisexual. God made me this way. *shrug* It’s trite but true. There are some genetics at play, I’m sure, because my father is extremely submissive. He’d rather die than admit it, but the man can’t make one decision for himself. His wife does. Add to that my rural, traditional upbringing and throw in a dash of God’s great sense of humor = Heather Cole.

    As to my particular brand of submission–there are hundreds of versions of submission like there are styles of kinky or flavors of ice cream. It’s not a feeling of being beholden to my Sir, rather, it’s the drive to please him. When we are in the space of Dominant and slave, my only focus is him. My mission is to please him in whatever way he desires whether that’s by baking him brownies or wearing a butt plug or crawling behind him wearing a collar and leash. I get off on making him the center of my universe for that span of time.

    Have you ever wished that someone would take control of your life for just a little while so that you didn’t have to make all the decisions and shoulder all the responsibility? In my opinion, my submission is an extension of that wish. Together Sir and I make a safe place for me to do exactly that. He gets to dominate and command me while I get the joy of not having to decide a blessed thing. I’m focused solely on pleasing him in whatever way he wishes. I am free. I am his.

    Yes, it’s a complete contradiction to my daily persona! I’m fully aware that I don’t want my Dom to control everything about me. In fact, I need more autonomy than many of the other slaves I know. For example, I’d never permit him to dictate what I wrote or how I raised my child. However, when he and I are together, I find great freedom in allowing all my emotional walls to dissolve so that I can place my entire being into the hands of my loving Dominant. I want him to hurt me, mold me into the thing he desires then to use me until I’m nothing but a spent pile of limbs on the bed.

    I believe that submission, just like sexuality, is fluid. There have been times in my life where I’ve locked that submission away so that I could roll up my sleeves and get to work and other times where I was nothing but a submissive pain slut living in the moment of pleasing my Sir. I’m sure I’ll ride those fluctuations again. But even when I put her away so that I can live some other part of my life, she’s there. Patiently waiting in that dark closet to come out. When she does? Well, the words “sexual apocalypse” have been uttered.

    Thank you so much for writing!

    Smooches,

    Heather


  9. Ask Heather – Tie her up?

    December 29, 2012 by Heather Cole

    Dear Heather:

    I’ve been kinda getting to know this AWESOME girl. I went to my first rope tying munch with her this weekend, and we really had a great time.  It is clear to me that she enjoyed it.  She is much more experienced than I am, but totally patient, and I think into the fact that I am taking initiative to learn.   Really sweet girl! The lessons at this particular ropes class were fairly advanced.  Way above my head, as they were geared toward ties for curvy women, specifically for suspension.  This is probably not a newsflash for you, but I save a little bit on rent because I opted for the unit (hehe, “unit”) that did NOT have the power wench in the guest-room ceiling.  Who knew at the time?  😉    No, all jokes aside, I’m neither equipped, nor knowledgeable enough to do any serious suspension, or advanced bondage, yet our date will probably involve a little (or lot) of rope play.   
     
    Me, being me, I’m finally coming around to the point….
     
    Anyway, I can do a box-tie of her arms behind her back (likely with a good internet connection, or a few books in hand), could probably muddle my way through an over the shoulder or under the boobs harness, which I think she’d totally be into.  I can do a drum harness on the butt/legs, and could probably read up enough to tie ankles or knees.  I’ve read up on all the safety precautions, and I do have scissors that are capable of easily cutting the rope I have, if needed.  What I don’t know, is where to start.  Obviously, it’s a personal thing, and what one person likes, another may not.  I get that, but I thought I’d ask you for maybe some directional pointers.   EG:  what is common and universally likely to be enjoyed.   As a beginner do I just go with “Rope Play and experimentation”, and make that somewaht sensual in itself?  Or are there some things I can do to incorporate more play into a lite scene?   (FWIW, I don’t plan on it getting sexual yet.  Taking it slow with this person, yet keeping an open mind.)
    Thanks for indulging me!
    Rope Newbie
    Dear Newbie:
    Silly man, you can always ask me questions. How to start playing is a good one! Especially since it’s a new relationship and you’re learning about each other. Whether you realize it or not, you already know where to begin. The basics you listed are pretty impressive. I’m a rope newbie myself, and you’ve already made me swoon a little bit with your descriptions. Willingness to learn and try new things trumps inexperience every single time. You have the bonus of going to a class together, and if she’s attracted to your initiative to learn more, then I would approach it like you want to try some stuff out with her. Something like, “I was thinking about trying out this tie with you. Want to experiment with me?”

    Here’s a link to my first rope scene. It was sensual yet basic. Rope feels alive to me, and what heightened the experience was that I was instructed to keep my eyes shut. Master Cecil ran the rope over my shoulders and breasts before he began an over the shoulder harness. My eyes were shut the entire time, and it was as much about the rope and being bound as it was the energy between us. (I know that sounds cheesy but it’s true.) Nothing sexual happened between us but it was sensual and amazing. One of my most favorite scenes ever.

    I hope my suggestions help. Just be yourself. Your amazing, funny, handsome self. You’ll knock her socks off. Well, tie them up or over or whatever.

    Smooches!

    Heather

     


  10. Ask Heather about Kinky Parties

    September 19, 2012 by Heather Cole

    Dear Heather:

    I was wondering if you could invite me to a fetish party as an observer some weekend.

    Thanks in advance,

    Mr. RSVP

    Dear R:

    Considering that I have never met you in person, I must decline your request. I’m flattered that you’d want me to be your hostess into our kinky community, however, I’m so new to it my own damn self that it would be the newbie leading the newb. Babes in the canes, my dear!

    This is what I suggest; we both attend a munch. We pull on our big girl panties and RSVP on Fetlife to meet other like-minded folk at a restaurant wearing *gasp* regular clothes. We slap on our nametags and eat a grandslam (I require extra bacon) while listening to others talk about the goings-on of the lifestyle and we answer get-to-know-us questions. I’m certain that before we finish our last bite of pancake, there will be an invitation to a party. Providing that you’re not a sex offender and that I don’t laugh loudly like a donkey. (It happens when I’m nervous.)

    The thing about play parties is that they most often happen in private homes. Because of this, no one has to invite us to anything. The host or hostess may only extend the invitation to people they’ve known (and liked) for a while. It’s their party so they can invite whomever they wish and cry if they want to.

    Parties vary depending on who is hosting, but there are some general things to expect. Nudity is one of them. Remember, dear R, there are no rules that say you must attend in your birthday suit. Although if you feel inspired to tie a bow around your *cough* this is the crowd that would no doubt appreciate it. You will not be expected to get naked, nor will you be expected to play if you don’t feel comfortable. Do expect others to get naked or be in various stages of undress or lingerie or nipple clamps and plastic wrap. I like to wear a dress, but my girlfriend often brings several changes of lingerie. If we choose to play, we usually get naked. Or as Liri likes to exclaim, “why are you still wearing clothes?!”

    There may be a sheet hanging in front of the door so that Old Neighbor Jones doesn’t peek in while walking his cockapoo and see Sally from carpool tied to the St. Andrew’s cross. Walk past the sheet and you will find people chatting, food and snacks and maybe music. If people are playing, typically they don’t mind others watching. After all, they came to a party. However, give them space and try not to interrupt unless they actively encourage you to ask questions or get in on the fun. I’ve had a couple moments where I had to stare a little bit before realizing, “hey, those people are fucking.” Then I was like, “oh, spinach dip!”

    My first party actually began as a traditional housewarming. I brought a pie that I had baked, I circulated and chatted and met new people. I traded BBQ tips with a grandmother, petted the dogs and took a tour of the house. Eventually the co-workers left and the grandmother said goodnight, and an extra-large rubbermaid container was brought out, chock full of floggers and dragon tails. Rope appeared and clothes vanished, and the party moved to the basement.

    I played that night. It was the first time I attended a party on my own, and it was the first time that someone other than my Master (now ex) flogged me. I was nervous and giddy, and I felt a little out of control. For the first time I was going to scene without my M, but I had rules. There were boundaries that I wouldn’t cross, and I made sure that the person topping me knew them. If he had tried to coerce me beyond those boundaries, I would NOT have submitted. And here lies the most important rule of a play party, dear R. No one should try to convince you to do something that you don’t want to do, whether it’s to use a toy or leave the party with them. Coercion of any kind is unacceptable. A creeper is a creeper is a creeper; no matter if you’re at a bar with friends or a play party.

    Play parties give us a good cross-section of the kinky populace, all up close and naked. When we attend, we learn about others just as they learn about us. It’s a way of establishing ourselves as positive members of the community. It can be social and educational. It can be a boatload of fun. However, it’s just as easy to brand ourselves bad play partners, or even worse, dangerous ones. I intend to be the former, R dear, so I’ll see you at the chips and dip. Bow optional.

    Smooches,
    Heather