Me: [picks up pen] [scribbles recklessly] Bisexual, thirty-something, divorced, mother-of-one seeks a bisexual female for friendship and lady-loving*.
*means that I would like to learn the arts of lady love. I have very little practical experience with women aside from the occasional stolen kisses as a young girl and drunken breast caresses at parties in high school. But that doesn’t stop me from lusting, from yearning. OH THE YEARNING! [crosses out last sentence. Note to self: shouting doesn’t attract the ladies.]
Warning: I’m frickticulously complicated. I think about everything which means that I will think about making a move on you a hundred times before actually doing it. I also demand a variety of different beverages at breakfast. Coffee, water and a bloody mary for starters.
In fact, you should probably only answer this ad…
[Writes second note to self: will this be a personal ad? A dating site? A placard outside the neighborhood deli?]
…if you want to have a lot of sex, albeit beginner sex, because my situation involves two boyfriends.
Yes, you read that right.
One of whom is also my Dom.
Yes, you read that right as well.
And both of them live long distance.
Perhaps you’ll understand better when I explain that I love my male partners, one of whom is kinky and who is helping me explore and expand my kinky self. They both know about my wish for female companionship-sex… [why do I sound like an 1800’s governess when I say that?] …and we talk about it. Quite a bit. And for the record, I won’t proceed with any of this if one of them objects. Yes, they’re that important to me.
I feel like now is the time to explore my bisexuality, because I’ve denied it for years and years. I love women; I love their curves and soft skin, how they move and how they think. Why shouldn’t I act on it? Maybe I can take action with you? [Crosses out last sentence. Meaning unclear and generally too pervy-sounding.]
I refer to it as “companionship-sex” because I suck at casual sex. I’m absolutely no good at not caring. [Note: this should probably go under the warning part.] I would like us to be friends and genuinely enjoy hanging out together. Ideally you would meet both boyfriends and like them. Not liking them is bad. Very bad. [Crosses out last sentence as sounding too Godfather-ish.]
So about the companionship sex…this is what I envision: you come over for dinner and a movie. I make the world’s best chocolate cake, by the way. Maybe a bottle of wine? One thing leads to another and we end up making out like horny teenagers on the couch. [Thank goodness you can’t see how red I am writing that!] The couch is very uncomfortable, generally speaking. I apologize in advance. Eventually we graduate into the area where I have no practical experience except for my lovely Liri making me orgasm… [you can read about that adventure here] …which ultimately leads to orgasms all-around!
What I can offer: a lively sense of humor, the company of an aging and mildly retarded greyhound, medium tits, round ass (perfect for spanking), loyalty, intelligence and a willingness to learn. Also, I will cook you into a stupor given half a chance.
Please don’t reply if you make loud mouth noises when eating, think Mittens Romney is anything other than an alien parasite or believe that food is irrelevant to joyful living.
Please DO reply if you think nerds are sexy, have an undying passion for beverages and have read The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society by Mary Ann Shaffer and Annie Barrows.