Do’s and Don’ts of Unicorn Hunting

I’ve done my share of unicorn hunting and believe me when I say that searching for that perfect fit for your threesome is exhausting. And it’s frustrating as hell. The countless hours I’ve spent courting prospective playmates only to have them flake out when our date drew near is time I’ll never get back. Most weren’t even unicorns at all, it turned out. Instead, they were attention seekers with no intention of following through with their juicy promises. They were all bark and no bite, which is a terrible shame because I like biting, a lot.

Anyway, now that my FetLife profile no longer says that I’m in a relationship, it seems the tables have turned the hunter into the hunted. I’m not cool with this, and I can assure you, my kinky friends, that I am no unicorn. And I’m fairly certain that the reason behind my aversion to being the plus one between the sheets is my need for a significant amount of control, or it’s that whole topping from the bottom thing. That, though, is a can of worms I’ll save for later.

So, if you are considering a unicorn quest of your own, here are my top tips to start you off on the right foot:

Choose the appropriate site – Don’t assume that every unattached woman on FetLife is open to being the delicious center of your naked sandwich–it’s offensive. Joining a site like Swing Life Style will exponentially improve your odds of a successful search.

Read the profile – Regardless of whether the unicorn of your naughty dreams is listed on FetLife or Swing Life, don’t skim over her profile. Read. Every. Fucking. Word. Look for consent that she is open to receiving such an invitation. If it specifically states at the top of her profile in italics that she is not looking for a Dom, a sub, or a play partner, don’t ignore her statement and message her anyway certain that you will be the one to change her mind. *eye roll*

Don’t copy/paste – Look, people aren’t stupid and most can tell a copy/paste message from the get-go. Unicorns know how bait-casting works, but even though she’s not the only one you’re fishing for, you need to make her feel as though she is.

Prepare for rejection – It happens, and in this case, silence speaks volumes. If days pass and she hasn’t replied to your message, she’s not going to, so don’t send another asking if she’s given any thought to a sweaty meeting. Don’t ask for her email, her phone number, and for fucks sake, don’t tell her how sexy she is with a lengthy mmmmmm—that’s harassment, jerkface.

Timing – Unicorns need time to prepare for a sexy romp with a couple–they need to feel safe knowing their limits will be respected. Don’t make plans to meet for an introductory drink with the assumption she will get naked with you an hour later. It rarely works that way.

Most importantly, be respectful, be patient, and don’t be a douche. ~Nikki  

 

Hello, it’s your friendly neighborhood unicorn here. Unlike Nikki, I’ve only been on the side of the hunted, and I prefer to keep it that way. Yup, I like complementing a couple as a willing third in the threesome. True, I was *this close* to being the filling of a man-meat sandwich, but that was unusual for me. I’m most comfortable in a supportive role to the main couple. And this brings me to my first piece of advice:

There are Different Breeds of Unicorn – We all have our different definitions of the label ‘unicorn,’ which typically corresponds to the qualities one is hunting for. “I’m dreaming of a unicorn who is ____ and has _____ and who is totally into _____.” The trick is finding that unicorn who also desires the qualities that you possess. The mythical part of the equation is that the unicorn will always give/contribute to the threesome without asking for anything in return, like emotional or physical gratification. Sweeties, that is a myth. Unicorns want to get off too. The truth is that we come in all genders and sexual tastes, and guess what, we unicorns have our own personal preferences about who we cavort with. For example, I can’t unicorn with anyone without my Dominant’s permission, so even if I’m attracted to a couple and want to play, I have to clear it with my sir. If the couple isn’t cool with my protocols, the entire thing is a no-go. Sometimes you luck out and can find a tasty third to your twosome on a hookup site. Everything can look perfect, but understand that the unicorn may be scrutinizing you as much as you’re checking out them.

Just Because You Found A Unicorn, It Doesn’t Mean They Have to Fuck You – Hey, Mr. Married Guy Who Wants a Chick to Seduce His Wife, I’m talking to you. And everyone else. But mostly to you. You may have a boatload of unspoken expectations regarding the unicorn you found, Mr. MGWWaCtSHW, but that doesn’t mean she has to comply with your irritating unspoken/sort of articulated plans for her and your wife. CONSENT is a huge, important part of unicorning. It’s an important facet of relationships in general, but in this specific scenario—and I can’t say this enough—unicorns don’t have to fuck you if they don’t want to. Even if I slept with you and your partner just last week, there is no written rule that says I have to do so again. And if you attempt to manipulate me into complying based on the fact that I ‘did it before,’ I will knee you in the balls on my way out of the door. No means no, and if it seems like I’m teetering on the edge of a rant, it’s because this has actually happened to me and it PISSES ME OFF.

Communicate and Be Safe – Nikki referred to this earlier. If you’ve started a dialogue with a unicorn regarding the possibility of a threesome, be clear about your expectations and what you want from the encounter. Everyone should discuss their limits, the things that are OK to do and those that are out of bounds. It’s really important for unicorns, regardless of gender, to feel safe in a situation. They may be saying positive things leading up to the big night, but if for any reason they don’t feel safe or don’t want to continue, they should bail. (see #2) There are ways to do this politely, and the sooner you, the unicorn, know it’s not going to work, the faster you should notify the other party. But there is never any time when it’s acceptable to coerce or threaten someone into compliance.

A Gentle Approach – Why do you think medieval literature insisted that only a virgin could lure a unicorn out of the woods? Because we are special! If you go clomping through the forest with your armor, a pack of dogs, and 30 knights from the round table, I can promise you that every unicorn within miles will be hiding from your loud ass. In other words, if you are a M/F couple looking for a F-unicorn, for the love of all that’s holy, DO NOT have the M of your couple approach the F-unicorn first. Even dudes with the best of intentions come off as sleazeballs. And your message shouldn’t be titled: “I’m looking for a playmate for my wife.” Bring your computer over here, because I’m gonna barf on it. Your rates of success will increase if the female part of your couple reaches out to the female unicorn first. Even if the woman doesn’t really know what she wants, or if it’s her first time with another woman, her saying exactly that will be better received than a man reporting it second-hand.

Sometimes Things Don’t Work Out Like You Thought They Would – Oh group sex… you are such a wily and capricious activity. The more people you add to a sexual situation, the more chances you have of things going differently than planned. Sometimes this is totally awesome. Other times, not so much. Just keep in mind that your “unicorn” is actually a human being of flesh and blood. They’re there to participate in your fun, but that’s no guarantee that everything will be rainbows and cupcakes. Sometimes it doesn’t work out that way. But if everyone communicates about what they want and how they want it, your rate of success will be even better

Remember: be safe, communicate like crazy, and keep an open mind. Some day, your unicorn will come. Er, you’ll come with a unicorn. Wait… ~Heather