Ask Nikki

Do you have a question for me? Are you dying to know what pancake recipe I use? Which dildo I recommend for beginner pegging? What to do if your butt plug goes missing in your ass? Email me at . Ask me anything your kinky little hearts desire. But be nice about it, y’all, because rudeness makes me stabby.

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Hey Nikki,

My relationship is great. He is the sweetest and most loving man I’ve ever met. There’s just one problem. In my opinion there’s not enough sex happening. He’s the only man to ever make me orgasm. Hell, I’ve never even made myself orgasm. Sure, I’ve masturbated, but I always just get bored. I’ve often wondered if I should get a vibrator, but I don’t know the first thing about them. I understand that his sex drive is not as high as mine. I understand that we can’t be having sex all the time. So, my question is do you think getting a vibrator would help? If yes, there are so many kinds, where do I begin? I’d love to go out with my best gal pal and pick one out, but I don’t have any close female friends. Please help me.

Hugs,

R.

Oh, R. How I wish this was a conversation that we could have over a cup of coffee–half caff, almond milk latte with a shot of coconut–because heart-to-heart girlfriend chats are uber awesome.

Falling in love with someone whose libido doesn’t run parallel to yours is fairly common, and that’s okay. I mean, variety is the spice of life, right? A varying sex drive doesn’t have to be a pothole on the road to happiness, because there are so many ways to satisfy yourself with or without your partner. All you need is a little open-mindedness and a whole lot of honest communication about your needs, and your partner’s needs.

You’ve probably heard the saying “It’s not about the destination, it’s about the journey.” Well, I agree with it, mostly, but let’s be honest, sometimes we just want the fucking destination. It doesn’t make us selfish or uncaring–it makes us human. And whether it’s with their penis, fingers, tongue, or a toy, a lot of men derive a great deal of pleasure simply from the act of pleasing their partner. An open line of communication is imperative. If you tell him I NEED MORE ORGASMS, I would be willing to bet he’ll be all over it. Heh. And a vibrator, I think, could definitely help bridge the gap between your libido and your partner’s. When you find the one that you’re comfortable with, you can bring yourself to orgasm alone or while your man watches you pleasure yourself, which is always incredibly hot. And he can please you with the toy even if he’s not in the mood for a full-on romp.

There is a veritable smorgasbord of vibrators on the market, and it’s easy to succumb to over-information. There are bullets, finger massagers, G-spot vibrators, eggs, Rabbits, wands, vibrating cock rings and dildos, smoothies, anal/prostate, and many different styles of clitoral stimulators. See what I mean? Mind…blown.

Before embarking on a quest for the perfect Battery Operated Boyfriend, I suggest you think about the stimulation your body responds to the best. Is it clitoral stimulation? Vaginal penetration? Both? If it’s clitoral, the vibrator world is your oyster, because anything that vibrates can be used to coax your love lava into flowing. Most vibrators have varying speeds of intensity, and some, like the Hitachi, shouldn’t be used too often, in my opinion. I’m a super-huge fan of this magical orgasm stick, but it only has two speeds:

1. Holy Mary, Mother of God, and;
2. The Clit Destroyer

With that having been said, remember that our bodies tend to adjust to the stimulation we provide it, which can possibly make it more difficult to orgasm by manual stimulation. So if you notice reduced sensation after using a vibrator for an extended period of time, back off for a little while to let your body re-assimilate to the personal touch.

The Rabbit is another one of my personal favorites because it provides wicked clitoral AND vaginal stimulation. The vibrating rabbit ears tease the clitoris toward orgasm while the gyrating shaft that is filled with rotating beads throw you screaming into oblivion. It’s SO dreamy. I mean, if you’re into that sort of thing, of course.

Lubricant isn’t a must with a vibrator, but I do recommend it, especially if your love cave isn’t good and juicy before insertion. And like vibrators, there are a plethora of lubricants on the market to choose from. Except during anal play, you can rarely go wrong with a water based lubricant because it’s both body safe and toy friendly.

If you have a reputable adult toy store near you, I highly suggest a field trip. And including your partner in the naughty shopping excursion will likely stiffen his manhandle. Look at the toys together, tell each other in explicit detail what you will do with it when you get home, or into the car. It’s like foreplay in public. Again, if you’re into that sort of thing.

I would totally go with you if we were neighbors, because vibrator shopping with girlfriends is also super-fun.
Hugs,

Nikki

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Nikki,

Just a note to ooh and ahh about your blog. I imagine sitting around a kitchen table with you and Heather over a bottle of wine while enjoying (and admittedly being incredibly turned on by) your tales in person. A room filled with laughter and suggestive lip chewing. How fun to have a girlfriend to share your adventures with. Know how grateful I am you two so candidly share via the blog.

While I have a zillion questions may I ask just one? When you and Mr. K play with others you have referenced condoms. What ground rules did you two establish for ‘protection’ when mingling?

Thanks in advance!
Rachel

 

Dear Rachel,

Heather and I love, love, LOVE ooh’s and ahh’s! Truthfully, they make us downright giddy. And having a bestie to share the intimate and explicit details of sexy time is totally swoon worthy. Hell, Heather knows the inside of my vagina almost as well as Mr. K. There was even a time when she referred to my updates as “The Vagina Report.” Kind of like Inside Story, but way juicier.

If you’ve read Vagina Antics for any length of time you know I’m super serious when it comes to safe sex. And because my vag is the delicate flower that it is, arriving at the decision to play with another couple made for bumpier travels than agreeing to share another woman. But the ground rules for protection in both scenarios were simple: No condoms, No penetration.

For us, the use of condoms when playing with a couple safeguards against more than the possibility of infections. It protects the implicit trust and incredible intimacy we share in private. And that’s something neither of us are willing to trade for a bareback romp with others.

Fingers, however, are a little more challenging to control. They can slide out of one orifice and into another before it’s realized, so if you’re terribly paranoid like me, I suggest keeping a handy-dandy pack of antibacterial wipes next to the bed for quick swipes in between.

The use of condoms greatly reduce the risk of acquiring an STI/STD, but HPV and HSV are spread through skin-to-skin contact. This means that even if you’re nekkid dry humping or getting down with some super hot mutual masturbation, HPV and HSV can be transmitted if present. And they don’t always present symptoms which is why protection is an absolute must when expanding your play circle.

When it comes to opening your bed up to another couple, never assume they are infection/disease free because they’re married or in a long-term relationship. And don’t wait for them to volunteer the information. Step up and ask. It really is that simple. But even then– unless you exchange test results –you only have them at their word. So unless they’re swearing on a bible in front of a Supreme Court judge, protect yourself. Play smart and play it safe.

Hugs,
Nikki

 

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Dear Nikki,

I have a really great group of friends who know I’m kinky. It’s an amazing feeling to finally be myself without worrying about what others think. My friends have been very supportive of my kinky endeavors and are very open about sex themselves. We love to sit around and talk about things that would make most people’s ears hurt, but lately when I bring up sex, one friend in particular changes the subject. The first few times it happened I thought I was reading too much into it. But now she clearly takes control of the conversation or clams up altogether and I feel like she’s judging me. Should I confront her about her attitude change?

Baffled in Baltimore

 

Dearest Baffled,

Coming out of the kinky closet to your friends takes sizeable gonads, my kinkalicious friend, so let me give you a big high five for that brave moment. And I agree with you wholeheartedly. It is amazing when you feel safe enough to let your hair down among friends, sharing the parts of you that normally require a super secret password to unlock. It’s like you can finally breathe. This newly found freedom, however, comes with the responsibility of establishing boundaries that everyone is comfortable with.

I remember the hot wave of relief that rolled through me the first time I divulged my kinky nature to my friends and they didn’t hunt me down like the village ogre wielding pitchforks and buckets of holy water. It was both terrifying and exhilarating, and to my surprise, a few of them unveiled their own little juicy box of lifestyle secrets. I no longer had to hide my kinky tendencies and that level of comfort is a fan-fucking-tastic feeling. So I empathize about wanting to spew the contents of your kinky wishlist to your accepting friends.

It sounds like one of them, at least, has had her fill of your sexploits, and she may be trying to clue you into the need for a subject change by hijacking the conversation. I understand your focus may be on sharing every delicious detail of your kinky sexcapades with your friends and you may not be thinking about limits outside of a BDSM scene, but you need to keep boundaries in mind as they relate to friendships as well.

Balance plays an important role in any type of relationship. It’s all about give and take, and if you try to make your sex life the primary topic of conversation with your friends, you’re doing all of the taking and none of the giving. And by giving I mean listening to what they have to say about their partners and what’s going on in their lives too. You’re assuming that everyone is interested in hearing the particulars of your kinky lifestyle, and I have a sneaking suspicion this assumption is what is making your friend uncomfortable. I highly recommend you put the brakes on the sexy talk, otherwise your friend may redraw the boundaries of your friendship to include less of you in her life.

Have a heart to heart with your friend. Ask her what is bothering her and be prepared to listen, offering an apology if you feel it’s necessary. Don’t apologize for being who you are (never apologize for that), but for monopolizing the conversation and forgetting to listen. Then maybe smoke a peace pipe, slam a shot of tequila or whatever you agree on, and get back to the give-and-take that good friends experience. Don’t get me wrong though, if your audience is open to it, you can talk about group sex and slapping your partner’s cock until the cows come home. Just remember to ask what’s new in their lives, and maybe talk about the blowout BOGO sale going on at the grocery store. Or what a douchebag your best friend’s ex-husband is.

See? It’s all about balance, baby.

*hugs*
Nikki

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Darling Nikki,

I’m a long-limbed, lanky 6’3” man. I want to enjoy sex with my partner from behind, but when we’re on our knees the parts don’t line up so well. It takes a lot of stretching to get so low. Can you suggest any positions for such big size disparities?

Sincerely,
Tall Man

 

Oh my stars, Tall Man, I haven’t been called “Darling Nikki” in ages! *ahem* But it’s not like the song was written about me or anything. That would be…pfft, that’s crazy. I mean seriously, the odds are like a bazillion to one that it was me. I confess there are some uncanny similarities, but it wasn’t me. It wasn’t!

*wipes brow*

Where were we? Better sex positions for big size disparities. Right. Listen, sugarbritches, one of the fantastic things about sex is that there is no wrong way to do it. Except fucking like a jack rabbit. That’s wrong, so very wrong. Anyway, sometimes we have to get creative to find what works best for us. We experiment. It’s like science, but naked.

The first step to successful experimenting is opening the lines of communication. Don’t be embarrassed to tell your partner you want to fuck her from behind with less contortion. Have her lay on her belly with one or two pillows under her pelvis and voila! It’s like doggie style, but lazier. Plus, it’s a great position to nail her g-spot. It’s a win/win. You can also sit on your knees between hers and grip her hips, moving her back and forth. Or suggest she wear heels and pull her to the edge of the bed and stand on the floor behind her. Okay, so the heels don’t add to her height in this scenario, but they’re hot, right?

Don’t forget that communication goes both ways. Her needs are important too. Ask what they are and if she needs to feel the intimacy of looking into your eyes and not your sternum during missionary sex, rest her legs on your shoulders and use your hands or elbows to support your weight. It will put just enough distance between you for the connection she needs.

Another sure fire way for the naughty parts to match up is for her to sit on your lap with her legs wrapped around your waist. And if you’re a big fan of kissing like I am, this position should give her enough height for some hot and heavy tongue action. Don’t stop there though. Whether it’s Cowgirl or Reverse Cowgirl, I’ve yet to meet a man who doesn’t enjoy watching a woman bounce up and down on his cock, so lay back and let her go. This is also a great position for anal sex because she has complete control of penetration on top and you have an all access pass to her clit.

You’re welcome.

Sometimes there are hurdles to overcome to have the sex we want and that’s okay. With a little ingenuity and a whole lotta communication and willingness to experiment, you may find that those obstacles are nothing more than minor speed bumps on the road to deeper intimacy and mind blowing sex.

*hugs*
Nikki

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Dear Nikki,

I currently dominate my partner and submit to my Mistress. I reached out to my Mistress, rather she found me, because my kitten wasn’t willing to try anything and now it’s become a threesome dynamic. It also only seems to upset my kitten when I meet or talk to other people about the lifestyle. I’ve pushed a little and we’ve done a scene and she seemed to like it but she hasn’t asked for a scene in quite some time. It’s far from becoming a D/s dynamic, but I’m hoping eventually it’ll become that. Things started out in the grey areas for awhile because my kitten didn’t want to be made aware when I was exploring BDSM until I met my Mistress. We never said anything to an “open relationship” because I don’t have sex with my Mistress. I know my kitten doesn’t enjoy the threesome dynamic; however, it’s grown into a mentorship I couldn’t easily give up. I reassure her every chance I get but it really doesn’t make a difference. We wear rings as a symbol of our relationship which I think should stand above all else.

Do you think I’m wasting my time?

Dominant sub

 
Dear Dominant sub,

First let me welcome you to the lifestyle, and if you haven’t already done so, I highly recommend you visit our local kick-ass dungeon, The Woodshed.  Everyone is super nice and incredibly helpful. They have monthly munches and offer all kinds of classes. Even naked yoga. NAKED YOGA! I know, right??

Nekkid exercise aside, you, my dear, are what is known in the world of BDSM as a Switch. We switches are complex creatures. We’re double the pleasure, twice the work and at times, a tremendous pain in the ass. We’re all different. Some tend to be more dominant (me) while others are more submissive. Some switch with one partner, like me, and some are strictly submissive to a Dom/Domme and dominant to a submissive, like you.

To answer your question, I don’t think you’re wasting your time, but I do see a major flaw in your “threesome dynamic.” Two flaws actually. The first being that the foundation is unstable. On one hand, you say your kitten doesn’t enjoy the threesome dynamic, but on the other, you say your relationship with your Mistress has grown into a mentorship you couldn’t easily give up. In your kitten’s eyes, you’ve chosen your Mistress over her. You’ve pushed her into a relationship she’s not comfortable with and her hesitancy to venture further into a D/s dynamic with you may be her way of pushing back.

In my opinion, what you’ve got going on isn’t a threesome dynamic at all. It’s not even an open relationship because those words were never put on the table. You’re not communicating and that’s the second flaw. How do you know your kitten enjoyed the scene if you haven’t talked about it? You said she seemed to, but do you know for certain? Strong communication is absolutely vital in an open or kinky relationship. Without it, the relationship will collapse as swiftly as a house of cards.

From what I can tell, your partner isn’t accepting of your dynamic with your Mistress. She may even feel threatened by it. She closes her eyes to it and hopes it will be gone when she opens them. And it doesn’t matter to her that your D/s relationship with your Mistress has no sexual component. You give her power over you which requires a great deal of trust. That makes for a pretty deep relationship, and whether your kitten understands the dynamic of a D/s relationship or not, I’m sure she recognizes that much at least.

Bottom line is that your kitten needs to feel safe in your relationship, especially if you want her to follow your lead into D/s territory. It’s sweet that you’ve exchanged rings as a symbol of your commitment, but you haven’t set any boundaries to safeguard her. If you want to continue your BDSM exploration with both your Mistress and kitten, give her something that is sacred to your relationship. For example, I have no problem with my boyfriend receiving a blow job from another woman. And things we do together such as kinky sex, anal play and D/s remain inside the boundaries of our dynamic. See what I mean? Those boundaries give me what I need to feel secure in our relationship. Those are things only I can give him.

Ask your kitten what she needs to feel safe and have a frank conversation regarding how you feel about giving it to her. This will probably be an ongoing conversation, but you both need to be open. Communicate your needs to her as well. Help her understand them. You’re not doing your relationship any favors by keeping them under wraps. She may not want to be a part of your BDSM lifestyle, and that’s okay. But if you make her feel safe, she may not object to your pursuance of it.
Hugs,
Nikki