Dear Nikki,
I currently dominate my partner and submit to my Mistress. I reached out to my Mistress, rather she found me, because my kitten wasn’t willing to try anything and now it’s become a threesome dynamic. It also only seems to upset my kitten when I meet or talk to other people about the lifestyle. I’ve pushed a little and we’ve done a scene and she seemed to like it but she hasn’t asked for a scene in quite some time. It’s far from becoming a D/s dynamic, but I’m hoping eventually it’ll become that. Things started out in the grey areas for awhile because my kitten didn’t want to be made aware when I was exploring BDSM until I met my Mistress. We never said anything to an “open relationship” because I don’t have sex with my Mistress. I know my kitten doesn’t enjoy the threesome dynamic; however, it’s grown into a mentorship I couldn’t easily give up. I reassure her every chance I get but it really doesn’t make a difference. We wear rings as a symbol of our relationship which I think should stand above all else.
Do you think I’m wasting my time?
Dominant sub
Dear Dominant sub,
First let me welcome you to the lifestyle, and if you haven’t already done so, I highly recommend you visit our local kick-ass dungeon, The Woodshed. Everyone is super nice and incredibly helpful. They have monthly munches and offer all kinds of classes. Even naked yoga. NAKED YOGA! I know, right??
Nekkid exercise aside, you, my dear, are what is known in the world of BDSM as a Switch. We switches are complex creatures. We’re double the pleasure, twice the work and at times, a tremendous pain in the ass. We’re all different. Some tend to be more dominant (me) while others are more submissive. Some switch with one partner, like me, and some are strictly submissive to a Dom/Domme and dominant to a submissive, like you.
To answer your question, I don’t think you’re wasting your time, but I do see a major flaw in your “threesome dynamic.” Two flaws actually. The first being that the foundation is unstable. On one hand, you say your kitten doesn’t enjoy the threesome dynamic, but on the other, you say your relationship with your Mistress has grown into a mentorship you couldn’t easily give up. In your kitten’s eyes, you’ve chosen your Mistress over her. You’ve pushed her into a relationship she’s not comfortable with and her hesitancy to venture further into a D/s dynamic with you may be her way of pushing back.
In my opinion, what you’ve got going on isn’t a threesome dynamic at all. It’s not even an open relationship because those words were never put on the table. You’re not communicating and that’s the second flaw. How do you know your kitten enjoyed the scene if you haven’t talked about it? You said she seemed to, but do you know for certain? Strong communication is absolutely vital in an open or kinky relationship. Without it, the relationship will collapse as swiftly as a house of cards.
From what I can tell, your partner isn’t accepting of your dynamic with your Mistress. She may even feel threatened by it. She closes her eyes to it and hopes it will be gone when she opens them. And it doesn’t matter to her that your D/s relationship with your Mistress has no sexual component. You give her power over you which requires a great deal of trust. That makes for a pretty deep relationship, and whether your kitten understands the dynamic of a D/s relationship or not, I’m sure she recognizes that much at least.
Bottom line is that your kitten needs to feel safe in your relationship, especially if you want her to follow your lead into D/s territory. It’s sweet that you’ve exchanged rings as a symbol of your commitment, but you haven’t set any boundaries to safeguard her. If you want to continue your BDSM exploration with both your Mistress and kitten, give her something that is sacred to your relationship. For example, I have no problem with my boyfriend receiving a blow job from another woman. And things we do together such as kinky sex, anal play and D/s remain inside the boundaries of our dynamic. See what I mean? Those boundaries give me what I need to feel secure in our relationship. Those are things only I can give him.
Ask your kitten what she needs to feel safe and have a frank conversation regarding how you feel about giving it to her. This will probably be an ongoing conversation, but you both need to be open. Communicate your needs to her as well. Help her understand them. You’re not doing your relationship any favors by keeping them under wraps. She may not want to be a part of your BDSM lifestyle, and that’s okay. But if you make her feel safe, she may not object to your pursuance of it.
Hugs,
Nikki
