RSS Feed

Ask Heather about Kinky Parties

September 19, 2012 by Heather Cole

Dear Heather:

I was wondering if you could invite me to a fetish party as an observer some weekend.

Thanks in advance,


Dear R:

Considering that I have never met you in person, I must decline your request. I’m flattered that you’d want me to be your hostess into our kinky community, however, I’m so new to it my own damn self that it would be the newbie leading the newb. Babes in the canes, my dear!

This is what I suggest; we both attend a munch. We pull on our big girl panties and RSVP on Fetlife to meet other like-minded folk at a restaurant wearing *gasp* regular clothes. We slap on our nametags and eat a grandslam (I require extra bacon) while listening to others talk about the goings-on of the lifestyle and we answer get-to-know-us questions. I’m certain that before we finish our last bite of pancake, there will be an invitation to a party. Providing that you’re not a sex offender and that I don’t laugh loudly like a donkey. (It happens when I’m nervous.)

The thing about play parties is that they most often happen in private homes. Because of this, no one has to invite us to anything. The host or hostess may only extend the invitation to people they’ve known (and liked) for a while. It’s their party so they can invite whomever they wish and cry if they want to.

Parties vary depending on who is hosting, but there are some general things to expect. Nudity is one of them. Remember, dear R, there are no rules that say you must attend in your birthday suit. Although if you feel inspired to tie a bow around your *cough* this is the crowd that would no doubt appreciate it. You will not be expected to get naked, nor will you be expected to play if you don’t feel comfortable. Do expect others to get naked or be in various stages of undress or lingerie or nipple clamps and plastic wrap. I like to wear a dress, but my girlfriend often brings several changes of lingerie. If we choose to play, we usually get naked. Or as Liri likes to exclaim, “why are you still wearing clothes?!”

There may be a sheet hanging in front of the door so that Old Neighbor Jones doesn’t peek in while walking his cockapoo and see Sally from carpool tied to the St. Andrew’s cross. Walk past the sheet and you will find people chatting, food and snacks and maybe music. If people are playing, typically they don’t mind others watching. After all, they came to a party. However, give them space and try not to interrupt unless they actively encourage you to ask questions or get in on the fun. I’ve had a couple moments where I had to stare a little bit before realizing, “hey, those people are fucking.” Then I was like, “oh, spinach dip!”

My first party actually began as a traditional housewarming. I brought a pie that I had baked, I circulated and chatted and met new people. I traded BBQ tips with a grandmother, petted the dogs and took a tour of the house. Eventually the co-workers left and the grandmother said goodnight, and an extra-large rubbermaid container was brought out, chock full of floggers and dragon tails. Rope appeared and clothes vanished, and the party moved to the basement.

I played that night. It was the first time I attended a party on my own, and it was the first time that someone other than my Master (now ex) flogged me. I was nervous and giddy, and I felt a little out of control. For the first time I was going to scene without my M, but I had rules. There were boundaries that I wouldn’t cross, and I made sure that the person topping me knew them. If he had tried to coerce me beyond those boundaries, I would NOT have submitted. And here lies the most important rule of a play party, dear R. No one should try to convince you to do something that you don’t want to do, whether it’s to use a toy or leave the party with them. Coercion of any kind is unacceptable. A creeper is a creeper is a creeper; no matter if you’re at a bar with friends or a play party.

Play parties give us a good cross-section of the kinky populace, all up close and naked. When we attend, we learn about others just as they learn about us. It’s a way of establishing ourselves as positive members of the community. It can be social and educational. It can be a boatload of fun. However, it’s just as easy to brand ourselves bad play partners, or even worse, dangerous ones. I intend to be the former, R dear, so I’ll see you at the chips and dip. Bow optional.



  1. Liri says:

    I LOVE THIS POST. You’ve so accurately described how I feel at play parties, which communicates my utter adoration for groups of people interested in oscillating between eating/talking and flogging/fucking. Fun times, but often requiring a learning curve for newbies. <3

  2. Well said, Heather! The first play party can be daunting–but ideally, it’s a good experience and an icebreaker!

  3. Ella says:

    I just about died laughing at, “I require extra bacon.’

  4. Jenny Lyn says:

    Sex and spinach dip in the same room… It’s a win-win for everybody!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *