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  1. 5 Reasons Pornstars Hate 50 Shades of Grey

    February 28, 2015 by Nikki Blue

    Not long ago, these pornstars explained Net Neutrality in a way that made me love the art that is porn even more. And it had nothing to do with the cheesy bow-chicka-bow-wow music playing in the background. Not entirely. Seriously, though. Who doesn’t love 70s porn music?

    Anyway, the three beauties, with all of their awesomeness, are at it again with 5 Reasons Pornstars Hate 50 Shades of Grey, and it’s spot on.

     


  2. An Anniversary: Dominance and Submission

    February 20, 2015 by Heather Cole

    Fashion photo of handsome man and two women

    The end of this month marks an anniversary for Sir and me. It was our first date, and I cooked him homemade saag paneer (an Indian dish) and baked him a cake. Little did I know that we would sign our Master/slave contract three weeks later. I will have been his collared sex slave for two years, and ever since I saw his calendar reminder of our anniversary, I’ve been reflecting on the evolution of our dynamic. I’m accustomed to long musings, just look at my blog posts for evidence of this, but this year’s anniversary reflections are particularly interesting with the phenomena of Fifty Shades as its backdrop.

    It’s easy for people to recognize the stereotypical male Dominant/female submissive trope. Like the dude in the photo above, the stereotype is that the male Dominant has scantily clad ladies prancing around following his orders. I understand the allure of the fantasy. The alpha male swoops in, makes the woman hot and bothered, fucks her into many mutual orgasms, and all is right in the romantic world. It’s one of the reasons why I write erotica, and why Fifty Shades of Grey broke the box office. The reality of Dominance and submission is far richer than what can be communicated through media. It’s not always grand kinky gestures all the time, and it’s the day-to-day interactions with Sir that give our D/s depth and meaning.

    I don’t resent the FSoG converts flocking to Fetlife and snatching up handcuffs from Spencer’s. I used to be one of those people with a huge exclamation mark above their heads and eyes newly opened with titillating kinky knowledge. My catalyst was a dying marriage and the movie Secretary. And by the time I entered into a relationship with Sir, I had already been around the D/s block once. I don’t think either one of us would consider ourselves the stereotypical Dominant/submissive, but in the beginning of our relationship, we probably had some of those expectations. For example, the stereotype that a Dominant should always be in control and emotionally distant because of that control.

    I think it’s bullshit.

    A person might be able to meet that stereotype if they only wanted to role play for a specified amount of time within specified parameters. And in the beginning of our relationship, I think Sir felt that expectation—that he should be in control at all times. But the gift of D/s to me is that the authentic communication required to sustain a dynamic dissolves the barriers between partners. We’re not robots or actors. We expose ourselves through Dominance and submission:  physically, mentally, and emotionally. We reveal our true selves in order to deepen our connection and cross boundaries. I wanted Sir to tell me how he felt, especially how our interactions affected him. Dominance and submission together can be an act of trust, and it can be a gift for both the giver and the receiver.

    After we got together, I clung to my independence outside of fucking, and I told Sir that I didn’t want to be micro-managed. He assured me that he didn’t want to choose my clothing or tell me what to write. Gradually, as we shared more of our time and thoughts, Sir began to ask more of me. He pushed at those boundaries that I had erected, and I had a lot of feelings about it. Many of them documented here. He asked for more of me, and as our relationship deepened and trust grew, I gave him parts of me that I hadn’t shown to anyone. He became more than my mentor, he evolved into my protector. That “daddy” aspect of D/s that I swore I would never want became part of our play. And the games we created reinforced our roles. Even when I pitched a fit and resisted a task, I eventually complied, because in my heart of hearts, I needed to obey him to make myself happy and to feel complete.

    That’s a factor that I think fails to come through in books and movies. Submission can be about playing obedient on the weekends or in the bedroom, but living in submission, with a Dominant at the helm of your relationship means digging deeper. D/s can be a journey inward as much as it is being tied up and fucked. The trick to that is revealing your inner self to the other. Not sexy at all, right? It can even feel scary at times. Like, what if I reveal a jealous or angry part of myself that makes Sir not desire me? Or worse, what if he shuts me out because he doesn’t want to deal with irrational me?

    Like I said before, it’s an act of faith and trust. I remarked to a friend lately that traditional relationships are a challenge for me, because I prefer to live in the extremes. My passiveness, which can be a detriment in the role of traditional girlfriend, is an asset as a sex slave. On the other side of the spectrum, my brattiness can be a positive within the context of D/s too. The control that Sir exerts over me is as much a construct of his desires as it is mine. He calls it a “tight hug” and during our time together, I have wanted that hug tighter and tighter. Especially now that he lives overseas. Those activities that we call games–like sending Sir pics of two outfits every night so that he can decide what I wear and how to style my hair for the next day–are ways in which we tell each other that we’re committed to our dynamic, and that we love each other so much that we want to make that effort. Sir promises me that he will show up every single day to talk to me, and every single day I see his handsome face and hear his voice. I rely on him as I have never relied on anyone, and in correlation, my love for him is deeper than anything I have ever experienced.

    It’s not easy and fun all the time. You can read about parts of our journey on this blog, and it’s one of the reasons that I continue writing about us. There are tears, debates, and angry words sometimes. We both have moments of resistance at different junctions, and some days, we show up to our daily talk with a heavy heart. But we show up. Every single damn day, we show up to be Master and slave, partners and lovers. I have never felt so challenged and so loved, and I wouldn’t want it any other way.

    Happy Anniversary, Daddy.


  3. The Masturbation Monologue

    February 13, 2015 by Nikki Blue

    Suprised young woman

    I must have been only seven or eight years old when my mother slid open the frosted glass shower door, catching me as I explored my clitoris in the privacy of the tub. Her eyes flew open wide and she gasped as if it were the most horrific thing she had ever happened upon. She snatched me by my arm until I stood naked on the blue bath mat, my heart thumping wildly in my chest. I’m certain it must have stung at least a little when the palm of her hand connected with my wet thigh two, maybe three times, but what I remember from that moment were her words; the judgement on her brow. She scolded me, pointing her manicured finger at my face while saying I was to never EVER touch my privates again, that doing so was a sin and God would know if I did. The ‘God card’ is funny when I think about it now, because my mother is and always has been about as religious as my shoe.

    My mother never spoke of that incident again, and it was her reaction that sparked the feeling that something was wrong with me for my sexual urges. It didn’t stop me from evolving into a very sexual creature, but the feeling of defectiveness plagued me for thirty-something years. I don’t ever want either of my children to feel the sex or self-pleasure they choose is shameful and dirty. So the Saturday morning my teenage daughter sat cross-legged on the center of the kitchen island while I made coffee, I let out a breath and went for it.

    “If you haven’t looked at yourself with a mirror, you need to,” I said as I leaned against the counter across from her, drinking coffee from my pink ‘Queen of Everything’ mug. “And don’t think it’s weird to do so, because it’s not.”

    She nodded, surprisingly not mortified that her mother had just suggested she examine the reflection of her most intimate parts, so I took that as a green light to continue the conversation. From there, I slid gracefully into masturbation, making sure she understood it’s perfectly natural and something she should never let anyone make her feel ashamed of.

    “Look at it this way, if you don’t know what you like or don’t like, how are you going to tell someone else when that time comes?”

    “True. Do we have waffles?”

    And just like that, she took control, closing the topic without so much as a pregnant pause. I smiled inwardly, proud of the girl who is like me in ways she has yet to realize.

    My daughter is sixteen and the relationship I have with her is the polar opposite of the one I had with my mother when I was her age. Hell, the one I still have. I’ve worked hard to make sure she knows she can come to me with ANYTHING without fear of judgement. I don’t break a sweat or dance awkwardly around topics that make most parents, I assume, terribly uncomfortable. I talk openly with her about sex and safety, pubic hair options and the pros and cons of it, slut-shaming, BDSM, and the newest feather to my sex-positive parenting cap, masturbation. Some of my friends are horrified by the words that pass between mother and child, saying they would never talk with their children about such things. They judge me a little, but that’s okay because I know my kids will be equipped with the knowledge they need, and I’m pretty sure that makes me the best mom ever.


  4. Dave Barry Reviews FSOG

    February 12, 2015 by Heather Cole

    Man Reading on Toilet 2

    A friend of mine shared an article that Dave Barry wrote for the New York Times last March, reviewing Fifty Shades of Grey. Barry explains that he wanted to read the book, because…

    “…as a man with decades of experience in the field of not knowing what the hell women are thinking, I was hoping this book would give me some answers. Because a lot of women LOVED this book. And they didn’t just read it; they responded to it by developing erotic feelings—feelings so powerful that in some cases they wanted to have sex with their own husbands.”

    Read the entire article HERE.

    Barry offers his review of the book, and it’s not favorable.

    “This is the kind of a book where, instead of saying things, characters muse them, and they are somehow able to muse them matter-of-factly. And these matter-of-fact musings cause other characters’ brows—which of course were already knitted—to knit stillfurther. The book is over five hundred pages long and the whole thing is written like that. If Jane Austen (another bestselling female British author) came back to life and read this book, she would kill herself.”

    He’s very funny about not liking the book (which one would expect from Dave Barry), but what I appreciated most about his article was that he brought up two interesting points. The first being that what women consider erotica (he used the word ‘porn’) is not what men expect from porn. I’ve been saying this to my sir whenever he edits one of my stories. His complaint is that the plot interferes with the fucking. I point out that it’s because he’s a man, and if I wrote a story for him it would be 95% sex and 1% dialogue. Thank you, Mr. Barry, for supporting my point.

    The best part of Barry’s essay, in my opinion, is his conclusion about why women loved FSoG.

    “Why was this book so incredibly popular? When so many women get so emotionally involved in a badly written, comically unrealistic porno yarn, what does this tell us? That women are basically insane? Yes.

    I mean no! No. Of course it does not tell us that. What it tells us is this: Women are interested in sex.”

    HOLD THE PHONE, people. Women are interested in sex??

    And here comes my favorite of this article, he explains that many men grow up being taught that women don’t want sex as much as men. Shocker, I know. That’s one of the themes of our little ‘ol blog, right here. I mean, that’s exactly why we started writing about our sexual adventures. We, the women of Vagina Antics, wanted sex as much as men wanted sex. Not our husbands. Obviously. But like other men who wanted sex.

    So despite my general disdain for FSoG (for poor craftsmanship on the author’s part), Barry’s article made me resent it less. If men can interpret it to mean that women like sex, then sally forth, gentlemen! Just be polite about it.

    ~Heather


  5. Kinklectic Blog Hop – Cupid did me right/wrong?

    February 9, 2015 by Heather Cole

    Cupid's-Secret---ANGEL-4g
    I have to confess, I’m not a fan of Cupid or Valentine’s Day. Apart from the chocolate. But then, I think every day should have chocolate. It’s my aversion to the romantic holiday that made it so much fun to write the short story for Kinklectic’s new anthology, Cupid’s Secrets. Thirteen Cupid-related stories by thirteen, very talented authors, and you can get it for $0.99 on Amazon HERE.

    To celebrate this auspicious release, I’m hosting a one-day blog hop to highlight Cupid and our latest release, Cupid’s Secrets. Our theme is: Cupid did me right or Cupid did me wrong. Tell us about your exploits with Cupid!

    TELL US!

    Post your experience on your blog (or comment here), and then enter the url in the link below. Don’t forget to let all your followers know where they can find more Cupid’s Secrets and some of the authors’ secrets too.

    My Cupid anecdotes are two-fold: one in real life and the other in my Cupid’s Secrets character, Soledad the librarian. First up is my real life tangle with Cupid and his tricksy arrows of love.

    Two years ago, I hosted a poly dinner party for my partners and their partners. That’s right. I invited my two boyfriends (and his wife), my girlfriend (and her boyfriend and his other girlfriend), and a Man of Interest, now known as my Sir. Confused? Yeah, join the club. You can read about the experience here: You Think The Story’s Over. Looking back at that dinner party, Dr. Hammer was the only person at that table that I hadn’t slept with. In fact, that party was only the second time we had met, but the emails and texts we had traded were already sparking what was going to evolve into a full-blown, collared, D/s relationship.

    I imagine Cupid perched on my buffet, invisible to me and laughing about the arrow he was about to sling. I thought I had it all figured out that night, and meanwhile, he was plotting for me to fall head-over-heels for the man I knew the least at that table. Flash forward seven months, give or take, and only Dr. Hammer, my dear Sir, would remain at that table. Little did I know that the title of that blog post would ring truer than I ever imagined.

    You won that round, Cupid. And I’m really glad you did.

    My character, Soledad, in I Hate You, Cupid also has her issues with Love. It’s Valentine’s Day and Soledad, a librarian with a secret past, is trying to summon the courage to tell her vampire best friend that she has a crush. Cupid visits Soledad and makes a dangerous proposition, offering her an arrow of love if she aids him. Will Soledad help Cupid and win the heart of her favorite vampire?

    Here’s a snippet:

    “You’re not going to need the gun, Soledad,” the cherub said and relaxed into the chair.

    “That’s for me to decide.”

    Working with goblins and demons made me more likely to shoot first and ask questions later. I shifted my stance so that I stood solidly on both feet. If I was going to shoot him, I wanted it to count.

    “I’m here to make your love fantasies come true. Shooting me would be premature, not to mention the fact that it won’t kill me.” He batted his eyes, the thick lashes making it look like he wore eyeliner.

    The word ‘love’ rippled through me, making the fine hairs on the back of my neck stand on end. I sank back into my desk chair, the leather creaking beneath me. I was dealing with someone far above my pay grade.

    “True. Silver bullets won’t kill Love, but I bet they’ll sting like a motherfucker. How long does it take to grow back a wing?” I asked, batting my eyes in return.

    He gave me a petulant frown. “How am I supposed to help you fall in love if you insist on maiming me? I’m a god, you know, and irritating a god doesn’t usually go well for paranormals. Even those pretending to be mostly human.”

    His shirt gaped to reveal the smooth chest of an adolescent as he reached behind his ear for an unfiltered cigarette. He lit it before I could protest, flicking the gold zippo shut with a sharp, metallic click.

    “Who says that I need help with love?” I asked.

    The cherub took a long look at me, his eyes traveling from the top of my head to my heels. “One doesn’t need to be the god of love to see that you’re in desperate need,” he replied, tossing his hair back with a practiced shrug. “I’m going to offer you an epic deal, although I’m not the altruistic sort. I need to use your magic and your special authorized library access.”

     

    Buy Cupid’s Secrets to find out what Soledad decides, and for only $.99 (free if you have KU), you can have twelve more romantic, erotic, sexy, fun stories full of Valentine’s Day love and Cupid antics. Be sure to check out our other Cupid’s Secrets authors and their exploits with the feathery cherub!


  6. It’s a Party for CUPID’S SECRETS!

    February 6, 2015 by Heather Cole

    KINKLECTIC-V-Day-Banner-PINK

     

    We’re having a party!

    And I’ve promised to behave myself. No, really. I can. I CAN BEHAVE MYSELF!

    *cough*

     

    The fabulous contributors to CUPID’S SECRETS will be throwing a release party on Facebook. There will be lots of prizes given away, free books, and fun contests.

    I’ll be hosting 12-12:30 CST! (Oh crap, I’m going to have to figure out time zones.) So stop on by and join the fun! You can watch me (mostly) behave, AND you’ll have a chance to win prizes and score a free book from me. SCORE!

    Right. Behaving…

    Here’s the party link:  See you there!

     

    Cupid's-Secret---ANGEL-4g

     


  7. Wonder Woman and Bondage

    February 5, 2015 by Heather Cole

    Wonder Woman Spanking

    I have loved and idolized Wonder Woman since I was a little girl. I had Wonder Woman underoos, and my cousins and I spent hours wreaking havoc around my grandparents’ farm playing Super Friends. Even at that age I was frustrated that there were so few female superheroes. I didn’t realize that Wonder Woman began as a comic in the 1940’s or that she was into bondage, domination and submission, and spanking parties. If I had known that… well, my childhood probably would have made a lot more sense.

    Many thanks to our friend, Ashley, for finding this article about Wonder Woman’s fascinating roots.

    “If you’ve never read the comics written by Marston and drawn by Harry G. Peter, Berlatsky’s book is particularly eye-opening. It’s not just that Wonder Woman gets tied up more than other heroes (although she does) and that she does plenty of tying up herself. Marston was a psychologist by trade, and his particular views on gender, sexuality, domination, and submission (which were all, in his mind, inextricably linked) are on full display in his Wonder Woman run. There are scenes of children learning to be submissive on Paradise Island, stories where Wonder Woman fails because she isn’t dominate enough, lurid images of women trapped in cages (and, sometimes, lurid images of Steve Trevor tied up). And there are those weird spanking parties.”

     

    I’m falling in love all over again. Fetch me my magic lasso!

    Read the entire post here: Why Early Wonder Woman Was a Champion of Feminism… and Bondage over at io9.


  8. Ask Heather – Tips for a Newbie Kinkster

    February 4, 2015 by Heather Cole

    Orange candy heart that reads ask me against white background.Hi Heather,

    I just wanted to thank you and Nikki for having such an amazing blog! I am just getting into the kink world and I don’t even know where to find people to fit in. Do you have any tips for someone who’s a timid person to break into the kink community?

    Thanks so much,

    JxF

     

    Dear JxF:

    Thanks for the compliment, sugar britches, and thanks for your great question. Your timing couldn’t be better, because I’m co-writing a book with a fellow kinkster about dating kinky and all the ins and outs that go with it. Heh. In and out. The book will be out in February, but until then (I’d never make you wait that long, sweetie!), let’s chat about where the wild things are.

    You’ve probably already taken a look at our Beginner’s Kink page, and there are some good newbie Q&A on the Ask Heather page too. Especially Mr. RSVP who had to be educated in appropriate party etiquette. In the RSVP post I also mentioned a Munch, which pertains to your situation specifically, but we’ll get to that in a moment.

    Probably the easiest way for you to connect with your kinkster community is to create an account on Fetlife. There are other kinky social media sites out there, but Fetlife is my favorite because I’ve found that it’s the easiest way to connect with the goings-on in my local community. Once you have an account, you can search for groups in your geographical area. There will be discussion threads for each group, announcements, and after a little bit of searching, I’m certain you’ll discover the time and location of your local Munch.

    On Fetlife you’ll also find individual writings where kinksters share their personal musings, and that can be educational as well. Or at the very least, eye-opening and/or amusing.

    The nice thing about kinky social media, as with all social media, is that you can lurk. I don’t mean that in a creeper way either. For those of us who are shy (yes, I can be shy too in new situations) it’s nice to read about events or activities before actually attending and participating. Am I right? For example, I joined the group that hosts our local Slave Hunt and read all the threads and discussions for a year before I summoned the courage to attend a Hunt in person. Reading about something isn’t exactly like experiencing it, but research helps ease my nervousness about taking the plunge into something new.

    This leads me the most reassuring part about entering the kink community. There are events, called Munches, that are specifically designed to welcome interested people to the community. They typically take place in a vanilla setting, like a restaurant. (I like eating bacon while meeting new people.) There may be a topic of discussion for that particular meeting, or it may be a purely social, meet-n-greet. I was a bundle of butterflies when I attended my first Munch at a local seafood restaurant. The food was terrible, but the people were incredibly friendly. They didn’t hesitate to introduce themselves and encouraged me to look them up on Fetlife. And every single one of them invited me back to the next Munch.

    Another great aspect to a Munch is that if someone approaches you to play, or wants to know you better, a Munch offers a neutral place to meet and talk. In fact, I’ve offered to take a friend to a Munch, so she can start meeting other kinksters in a safe environment that holds no pressure for newbies. Shoot, you don’t have to talk to another soul if you don’t want to, although I highly encourage you to say more than “pass the salt, please.” The feeling of finding people who are like you, interested in kink, is the greatest gift. Knowing that you’re not alone in the world and “weird” for liking the things that you do… that feeling is worth its weight in gold. I encourage you to reach out and take that first step to a Munch, and trust me, everyone is nervous their first time. Every single one of us was a newbie kinkster in the beginning.

    As with all things social, it may take some exploration to find the group of people that you really “click” with. There are millions of flavors of “kink,” and as a newbie, it will take time and experiences for you to figure out where you fit best. Or rather, with which people you feel the greatest connection. It can feel intimidating when you’re new, but we won’t bite unless you ask us. Once you’ve joined a kink-friendly social media site and start searching, new worlds will open up. We’re out here, and we want to welcome you. Just take that first step and meet us halfway.

    Hugs and Good luck!

    ~Heather

    Have a burning question about BDSM, kink, or sex? (The kind of burning that doesn’t need penicillin.) Write me and ask away! heathercole@vaginaantics.com


  9. The Ultimate Guide to Sex After 50: An Interview with Joan Price

    January 30, 2015 by Nikki Blue

    When we were asked if we would be interested in reading Joan Price‘s latest book, The Ultimate Guide to Sex After 50: How to Maintain – or Regain – a Spicy, Satisfying Sex Life, HELL YES was our response. But because sex and aging is such an important topic to us, we didn’t just want to review the book, which is incredible- no, no -we wanted to interview Joan. Hey, it’s how we roll. So read, enjoy, and trust me when I say you need this book. Also, if you purchase a copy directly from her website, she’ll autograph it. How sweet is that? And if you haven’t already, please check out Joan’s blog, Naked at Our Age, where she’s talking about and celebrating the joys of senior sex.

    ~Nikki

    *************************

     Dear Joan,

    Before I begin my interview questions, I have to say THANK YOU. Your words helped me uncover a piece of myself and my expectations about sex as I grow older. It has been a very interesting couple of days as I read your guide and asked my partner questions about the topics that presented themselves.

    When I started your guide about sex and aging, I considered myself outside of your target audience. I’m in my early forties, so I was “safe” from those misconceptions and myths, right? Oh was I so, so wrong. As I began reading through the myths listed at the beginning of the guide, I felt uncomfortable, like I was poking a tender place that I hadn’t known existed.

    It turned out that sex and aging is actually an issue for me. I’m a sex blogger and erotica author. My sexuality and sex life get a spotlight on a regular basis, and the idea of aging, even though I know that everyone is doing it, worries me. I’m in my forties now, but what happens in my fifties and beyond?

    The idea for Vagina Antics was born in the demise of my marriage. I was almost 40 and about to embark on a new world of dating and sex. I begged Nikki to go on the sex blogging journey with me, because what set us apart was that we are older, single mothers, who had stretch marks and an unholy love of donuts. And we were going to do all this for the second time around, and it was all new again. That identity has become central to how I see myself. So now as my body changes, and boy howdy has it in some significant ways, I feel a fear for what’s to come. Well, I felt a fear but didn’t want to admit it until I read your book.

    (And now I’m laughing at myself)

    I read your guide in parts to my partner in bed. He seemed completely surprised that I was worried about getting older and what would happen to our sex life. We are kinky and live a BDSM lifestyle, and at one point in our discussion I exclaimed, EVERYTHING IS GOING TO CHANGE. His reply was… of course it is. His solution was that we would buy even more lube and that we’d rule out the sexual positions that hurt our joints. Ah… the practicality of men. :-)

    I really can’t thank you enough for writing your guide and agreeing to be featured on Vagina Antics. You’ve opened up a new realm of discussion for us here on the blog and personally. So thank you again, and on with my questions. (apologies in advance for my rambling)

    Hugs!

    ~Heather

    Interview Questions:

    In the beginning of your Ultimate Guide to Sex Over Fifty, you list common myths and misconceptions about sex and aging. It was this quote that made me first sit up and really listen. “I used to think that if we all banded together and refuted the ick factor, we’d change society. We’d lead the parade of women and men proclaiming our right to joyful sex, and soon everyone would acknowledge that we can be sexy at any age. We’d celebrate aging, rather than bemoaning it.”

    1.  This was a huge revelation to me, because up until this point, I had refused to even consider (or envision) sex in my sixties and beyond. I was very unconscious about this decision, and your guide was a pleasant slap in the face that I needed to wake up and pay attention. (I’m the type of woman who enjoys that type of thing.) Anyway! *cough* How does one begin looking at age and sex differently and challenging the messages that society and the media give us? Obviously buying your guide is a great place to start. But how do you revise the vision, and empower yourself, for your sex life after 50? When did you do that for yourself? Or did you always know that you’d be sexually fulfilled no matter the age?

    We start by challenging the message from society and the media that sex is the domain of the young, that we’re weird or pathetic if we’re still sexually joyful after 60, 70, 80. We do that by talking out loud about it. I don’t mean that we have to disclose intimate details to the world – just that we stand up with the sex-positive attitude, “Hey, we don’t have an expiration date. We can enjoy sex through our whole lives. And so can you.” I’ve had interviewers tell me that they don’t like to picture their aging mothers/grandmothers as sexual beings. I say, “At what age do you plan to retire your genitals?”

    No, I never thought about older age sexuality when I was young. I actually never thought much about getting older at all!

    1. Myth #3 is “If I’m not feeling the drive to have sex anymore, it’s not worth the bother, so I might as well just let it go.”

     

    Hell, I know women in their thirties that say this. Our hormones change as we age, so how do you recommend that we manage those feelings of, “this is beyond my control and happens to all women/men at my age?”

    We can acknowledge that it happens, but as you read in The Ultimate Guide to Sex after Fifty, there are many ways to address the lack of drive. We may not feel the biological drive that we felt when our hormones raged, but that’s not the only reason to enjoy sex! It’s good for pleasure, for health, for intimacy, for stress relief, for a sense of wellbeing. It makes us feel good, makes us laugh, and helps us sleep better! The point is to learn ways to overcome the sexual inertia that we may feel when the drive slows down. We can make a commitment to nurturing our sexuality.

    3.  Myth #5 is “A man who can’t have a dependable erection cannot satisfy his partner or enjoy himself.

    Preach! I started hearing apologies about “lackluster” penis behavior from men in the 40’s, and instead of worrying about what we would do in the bedroom, I felt a deep compassion for what they had deemed shameful and embarrassing. You quote sex journalist Michael Castleman and define this as “erection dissatisfaction.” In fact, you devote an entire chapter to Sex Without Erections. This is a super-sensitive area of discussion for many men. What do you recommend as the best way to begin a dialogue with your partner regarding erection dissatisfaction? There are many other options besides erection pills. Would you talk more about that to our readers? (You wrote about using a strap on and I squealed with joy!)

    I’m delighted that I made you squeal for joy! Bringing up the topic is very hard for men. If we’re partnered with a man, we can ease into the conversation by letting him know that we understand that erections aren’t dependable at our age, and that’s really okay, because we can have great sensual and sexual pleasure with hands, mouths, and sex toys. Rather than introduce the anxiety over whether the erection will happen or stay hard long enough for penetration, let’s just have sex in all these other ways.

    If this is a new relationship, the penis owner may be especially anxious. It’s helpful to say while stroking his body (all over, not just genitals, but not excluding genitals either), “Are you enjoying the sensations from my touch? Then just relax and enjoy.” Welcome him to explore how to please you without an erect penis, too. The better you can communicate what you like, the more relaxed he’ll be.

    Of course there’s a lot more in the book about sex without erections – as you said, an entire chapter!

    4.  Sex and Safety – This is a HUGE hot button for me. It should be a hot button for everyone! One would assume that barrier sex would be assumed for all ages, but it’s not. You state some scary statistics that point to the opposite in your guide. Toys need to be safe too when using them with other people! What ways do you find it’s easiest to bring up protection when dating someone new? What are your guidelines regarding keeping toys safe?

    Bring it up after the first hot kisses and wandering hands, but before the clothes are off. Being direct is simplest, like, “Let’s talk about safer sex. I always use barrier protection.” If it’s clear that sex will be happening very soon, “Let me show you the condoms I have – do you have a favorite?”

    Toys that go into more than one orifice or into more than one person’s orifice need to wear condoms and the condoms need to be changed between orifices. Wearing the FC2 receptive condom (aka female condom) is another way to stay safe when using a toy (or a penis) with more than one vagina or anus at a time, without having to change the condoms, since there’s no exchange of fluids.  

     *************************

    Hi Joan!

    I’ll get straight to the nitty gritty.

    “As a woman nearly sixty, I can say with certainty that there are days when I feel like the “hot thang” who stopped traffic back in the day – other days I feel like the detour sign.”

    I’m knocking on the door of 45 and I can totally relate to that statement. It’s so easy to let that detour sign beat us down to where we are stuck in the rut of feeling far from the sexual being we once were.

    I recently read where Erica Jagger wrote that she requested an STD workup during her well-woman visit at her gynecologist. She was stunned, as were her readers, when her female doctor told her she wouldn’t need to worry about that for much longer because women usually stop having sex around the age of 65. Why do you think doctors discount or even disapprove of sexuality in aging women?

    I’m furious about Erica’s doctor’s comment. I have a whole chapter on doctors – why they’re uninformed, how to ask questions, how to get the information you need. Doctors not only don’t get the training in older-age sexuality, but they’re people, too, with their own misconceptions and prejudices. We have to let them know that yes, we are still sexual beings, and no, it’s not okay to dismiss us.

    And finally, I’m curious. When you speak at engagements, are there a large number of men in attendance? What is the most common question you’re asked by them?

    Oh yes, men want to learn. They want to understand their own changes and their partners’ changes. I’m asked about erections, desire, how to please a long-term partner when the sex has grown stale, whether they should be worried if a partner can’t orgasm without a vibrator, how to communicate, what new things they can try, when and how to bring up sex when dating – and so much more.

    As Heather said above, thank you for speaking out so passionately about such an important topic. I’ve often wondered how I will approach sexual issues as they arise in the future, and now I know.

    *boob smooshes*

    ~Nikki

     *************************

    Thank you both for treating this topic so seriously and for including your own personal reactions. I love that the conversation is now open!

    Joan

    Joan Price headshot Joan Price Sex After 50

    “Living ‘happily ever after’ may be the stuff of fairy tale endings, but in this forthright and important book, Joan Price shows us how ‘sexy ever after’ can be a new beginning for the senior set.” —Ian Kerner, New York Times bestselling author of She Comes First

    Available for purchase here: JoanPrice.com and Amazon


  10. Cover Reveal – I Hate You, Cupid

    January 26, 2015 by Heather Cole

     

    IHateYouCupid1-REV

    I’m thrilled to announce another Kinklectic anthology out in time for Valentine’s Day! This anthology, Cupid’s Secrets, features my short story, I Hate You, Cupid. 

    I Hate You, Cupid - It’s Valentine’s Day and Soledad, a librarian with a secret past, is trying to summon the courage to tell her vampire best friend that she has a crush. Cupid visits Soledad and makes a dangerous proposition, offering her an arrow of love if she aids him. Will Soledad help Cupid and win the heart of her favorite vampire?

    The first story of Annie and Soledad can be found in the Kinklectic anthology, Secret Lives, or on Heather Cole’s Amazon Author Page in Dangerous Seduction.

    Cupid’s Secrets anthology features twelve different authors and their eclectic stories with a Valentine’s Day theme. Look for it in February!

    ~Heather