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Ask Heather

BDSM Advice, BDSM Tips

This is the place where I answer all the questions spinning through your dirty little minds. All y’all. Have a suggestion? A burning question that needs answering? (Actual burning necessitates a visit to the doctor, sweeties.) Email me at and please, remember to ask nicely y’all. 




Dear Heather,

Sir and i were watching a film together with me sitting by His feet. In the middle of the film i felt the need to go to the bathroom. i got up and said to Sir that i needed to go to pee. Suddenly He asked me, “Do you really want to go to the toilet?” I replied yes. He then asked again, “Would you pee into a glass if I asked you to?”

i should have known better but i immediately said “Are you kidding me? Of course not!” HUGE MISTAKE to be defiant. He said to me either i peed in a glass in front of Him or hold it. I did hold it till the end of the film and asked Him again. i still didn’t want to pee in from of Sir in a glass. So He ordered me to bend over my bench. He told be He was going to strike me with my paddle 40 times. He would continue till I would go pee in that glass.

After a dozen of strikes, i said i would try. i tried but nothing came out. Some kind of muscle down there just wouldn’t relax enough for me to pee. Embarrassment was out of my head already. i just wanted to do what Sir wanted me to do. i failed and accepted the rest of the punishment.

But Sir promised me that He will have me pee in that glass one day.

Do you have any tips? No matter how much i tried to relax, the pee won’t come out.


P.S. i am very happy with the blog you and Nikki have. I especially love your letter to your Sir at the anniversary. Very touching and inspirational.


Dear Zoe:

Thank you so much for writing! I had to squeal with joy that you gave me the opportunity to share this skill I’ve developed. Let’s face it. It’s not every day that you get to offer pointers on how to pee in a cup with an audience. (Although I suppose this would be helpful for drug testing.) Your email about the situation with your Master sent me tripping down memory lane to the first time I tried to pee in front of my sir. Like you, I couldn’t relax enough to do it, and I felt embarrassed that I had failed in my service even though my first reaction was, “YOU WANT ME TO WHAT?.” I’d say that my smartass mouth has improved since then, as well as, my ability to pee in front of an audience, but that’d be a lie.

A little background for those VA readers who are wondering why the heck this is even a thing… in a dynamic of Dominance and submission, whether it’s part of BDSM or Domestic Discipline or whatever, the Dominant is the doer and the submissive receives the stimulus. Sometimes the action of the Dominant, in this example the command to pee, isn’t the actual fetish. It’s the aspect of control, of making your submissive do something he/she doesn’t really want to. And sadism can certainly play a part if the Dominant enjoys the sub’s discomfort, embarrassment, or humiliation. The submissive on the other hand, providing that the action isn’t a hard limit, often enjoys having boundaries pushed and likes complying with the command. Of course, how this specifically plays out in the dynamic depends on the people involved, but that’s the general outline of the game. And holy moly, can it be a fun fucking game.

My dear Zoe, there are two specific things that helped my bladder get over its stage fright. The first thing was kegels. (I simply read the word, and I’m compelled to do them.) Here’s a simple how-to and why from the Mayo Clinic. If you don’t do them already, they will be very helpful in teaching you how to control the muscles that control urination. Not to mention the added bonus of tightening up your vag. Stopping your pee midstream while you’re by yourself in the bathroom can illustrate what those muscles feel like when you tighten and release them. This is the first step to many things sexually. Know your body and how it works! When your brain gives the command to stop peeing, you then have to give yourself the command to release. As you become conscious of this instinctive function, you’ll be able to control it more which will allow you to control it better when the time arises for you to do it on command. Hurray!

I’m guessing that your punishment didn’t help matters either, because your body was tensed for the spanking. Once your muscles are in the place of receiving stimulus, it would be challenging to relax them enough to relieve yourself while feeling embarrassed about doing so (or failing to) in front of your Dominant. The trick is to become comfortable enough to pee and perform way before the situation gets to punishment. Although your spanking sounds pretty hot. Just sayin’.

The other thing that really helped me was practice. I was partially forced to practice because sir took away my right to privacy. In our house, there are no closed doors except when sir wants his privacy. Otherwise, sir can wander in and watch me do whatever I’m doing in the bathroom. In the beginning, I was appalled. And grossed out. I mean, bathroom functions are private. I don’t like doing them in front of trained medical professionals let alone people I love and have sexy times with.

I don’t think you have to start peeing with the bathroom door open, but you need to shape up your pee muscles by practicing with kegels. Then you need to practice more by peeing into a cup in the bathroom or wherever you want to do it. Don’t be afraid to make a mess. My first couple times I freaking sprayed pee everywhere. Thank goodness I was in the kitchen (and on the linoleum). I started out with a bowl then worked my way into smaller and smaller cups. When I finally could pee in a juice glass without spilling a drop, I felt like a badass ninja motherfucker. I’m pretty sure I yelled, “Fuck yeah!” and did a victory lap through the dining room.

When I was finished writing this response, I read it aloud to sir for his feedback. He replied that he didn’t want to condone unsubstantiated claims on the internet (can you tell he’s a lawyer?) so he sent me downstairs to fetch a juice glass. Next thing I know, I’m standing in the bathtub and preparing to pee into the juice glass. I confess that I got a case of the giggles as I watched sir settle himself on the bath mat like he was preparing to watch something riveting on the television. No doubt he wanted to scrutinize the process and add to my nervousness. He suggested that I hum to myself to get things going, but once I focused on the task at hand, I filled that juice cup with ease. I was reminded of two other factors that may help in your training. 1.) It’s easier if you feel the need to go. Not an emergency situation, but wait to practice until you feel a significant urge to empty your bladder. 2.) The more delicate I try to be or the more careful (i.e. when I’m trying making it a trickle), the more I spray or dribble all over myself. It’s when I let go with confidence that I have one single, strong stream. Also, don’t hold the cup too high against your crotch. You’ll only make things messier.

Once you become familiar with the series of muscles working when you pee, and you get used to peeing in things other than the toilet, I have the utmost confidence that you’ll be able to pee for your Master when the situation calls for it. And when you do, please tell me about your victory lap.

*boob smoosh*



I was referred to you by a man who identifies himself as a Dom. I’m struggling mightily here and don’t know what to do.
I have been in relationship with a Master for almost 2 months now. We met on Twitter and we skype, etc., so I am confident that he is male, etc.
When we first began chatting, he told me immediately to either submit or not; in other words, the choice to be His slave had to be made very quickly. I was collared within three days.
He follows a Gorean model, that is, i am a full slave, this is a TPE…he used to tell me i had a long way to go but now he has requested that I move to be with him within 2 weeks. There are no safe words, etc. This would be ok, I think, except today he sent me a pic of someone else fellating him. I knew there were other women but I don’t want to see the pix and this surprised and hurt me. Also he is not willing to provide any documentation that he is free of stds, however I am supposed to provide such to him.
He has asked that I scan and email my bank statements and pay stubs to him.
I just don’t know if I can really do this and if this is what it is really like…I’ve had two Doms prior to this Master but i was the first sub for both of them and neither relationship ended well.
So I guess my question is, does this sound copacetic? Does it sound like…typing it all out, part of my brain is screaming RUN AWAY FAST. lol. But I do so want to belong to an alpha male who will guide me to be my best…
Any advice you can give would be appreciated.
Would Be Slave
Dear Would Be:

My first reaction is to agree with your brain that screams RUN AWAY FAST. There are so many red flags in this man’s behavior that I almost didn’t know where to begin. In other words, RUN AWAY FAST. Here are my top concerns:

1. The “Gorean model” that you refer to is literally based on the science fiction novels by John Norman. In other words, Gorean philosophy is to kink what Scientology is to religion. Interestingly enough you don’t have to be a slave to be Gorean, and many people who follow the Gorean philosophy don’t own slaves at all. However, I don’t understand at all what appeals to slaves who choose this, because you’re essentially signing up to a fantasy where you have no sovereign rights. Gorean philosophy says that you do whatever your Master says without recourse or protection. There’s no safeword in this scenario. What if he wants you to pluck his butt hairs? Or sign over your entire paycheck? What if he told you that you had to give away your dog? Saying that “this is the Gorean way” is code for “I’m the Dom and I’m going to do whatever I want and you’re going to shut up and take it, Would Be Slave.” Sweet cheeks, if you want to follow some science fiction philosophy, I can recommend WAY better novels than this crap.

2. Collaring – Being collared is a huge deal, and as much as it’s about being considered by a Dom, it’s also YOU considering HIM. Yes, you have power as a slave. Dumb Domme wrote a great post about the consideration phase here. I wrote about my own trials and tribulations with consideration too, because it’s a process that can take months and months. And even after all that time and trying different things, the dynamic may never work how you’d want it to. The fact that he told you that you had to make this life-changing decision in three days reeks of manipulation and coercion. If he had any desire to build a D/s relationship on trust and caring, he would give both of you ample time to foster those feelings in one another. For heaven’s sakes, you haven’t even talked about whether or not other partners are ok and if you want pictures of it! He seems to have given you the feedback that you ‘have a long way to go,’ but what about him? What’s he doing to impress you and convince you that he’s the owner you want? My bet is that he’s doing nothing except trying to control your every move.

3. Your Health – I don’t care what the lifestyle is, if this man wants to have sexual intercourse with you then he should be completely honest with you about his test results. Good health is precious, and if he cares about you, he’ll answer all your questions and show you his bill of health. If he has an STI like herpes, for example, it’s imperative that you know what the risks are if you choose to have sex. The reverse is just as true. In my humble opinion, full disclosure is imperative to a good relationship. You shouldn’t gamble your good health on a man who won’t give you a straight answer.

4. Your Money – Any person (I don’t care if it’s the President of the United States)  who starts demanding access to your private information before you’ve met in person WANTS TO TAKE YOUR MONEY. I’m concerned if you give him your financial information, he’ll swindle you. By the time you figure it out or your relationship suddenly sours, he will have spent all of your life savings.

My dear Would Be, I deeply empathize with your desire for ownership. As a slave, I recognize that driving need within you. I feel a similar need in me. However, we choose our Dominants just as they choose us, and we need to select someone who helps us be better than who we are today. The man who owns you should value you as he would his most valued treasure and seek to guide you to be the best slave possible. A good Dom like that doesn’t grow on trees, but I know they’re out there. Listen to your heart, Would Be. Your heart is saying this guy isn’t worth it, and I agree. He doesn’t deserve you.




Dear Heather:

I’ve been kinda getting to know this AWESOME girl. I went to my first rope tying munch with her this weekend, and we really had a great time. It is clear to me that she enjoyed it. She is much more experienced than I am, but totally patient, and I think into the fact that I am taking initiative to learn. Really sweet girl! The lessons at this particular ropes class were fairly advanced. Way above my head, as they were geared toward ties for curvy women, specifically for suspension. This is probably not a newsflash for you, but I save a little bit on rent because I opted for the unit (hehe, “unit”) that did NOT have the power wench in the guest-room ceiling. Who knew at the time? 😉 No, all jokes aside, I’m neither equipped, nor knowledgeable enough to do any serious suspension, or advanced bondage, yet our date will probably involve a little (or lot) of rope play.

Me, being me, I’m finally coming around to the point….

Anyway, I can do a box-tie of her arms behind her back (likely with a good internet connection, or a few books in hand), could probably muddle my way through an over the shoulder or under the boobs harness, which I think she’d totally be into. I can do a drum harness on the butt/legs, and could probably read up enough to tie ankles or knees. I’ve read up on all the safety precautions, and I do have scissors that are capable of easily cutting the rope I have, if needed. What I don’t know, is where to start. Obviously, it’s a personal thing, and what one person likes, another may not. I get that, but I thought I’d ask you for maybe some directional pointers. EG: what is common and universally likely to be enjoyed. As a beginner do I just go with “Rope Play and experimentation”, and make that somewaht sensual in itself? Or are there some things I can do to incorporate more play into a lite scene? (FWIW, I don’t plan on it getting sexual yet. Taking it slow with this person, yet keeping an open mind.)

Thanks for indulging me!

Rope Newbie
Dear Newbie:

Silly man, you can always ask me questions. How to start playing is a good one! Especially since it’s a new relationship and you’re learning about each other. Whether you realize it or not, you already know where to begin. The basics you listed are pretty impressive. I’m a rope newbie myself, and you’ve already made me swoon a little bit with your descriptions. Willingness to learn and try new things trumps inexperience every single time. You have the bonus of going to a class together, and if she’s attracted to your initiative to learn more, then I would approach it like you want to try some stuff out with her. Something like, “I was thinking about trying out this tie with you. Want to experiment with me?”

Here’s a link to my first rope scene. It was sensual yet basic. Rope feels alive to me, and what heightened the experience was that I was instructed to keep my eyes shut. Master Cecil ran the rope over my shoulders and breasts before he began an over the shoulder harness. My eyes were shut the entire time, and it was as much about the rope and being bound as it was the energy between us. (I know that sounds cheesy but it’s true.) Nothing sexual happened between us but it was sensual and amazing. One of my most favorite scenes ever.

I hope my suggestions help. Just be yourself. Your amazing, funny, handsome self. You’ll knock her socks off. Well, tie them up or over or whatever.




Dear Heather:

I have a question for you that I don’t quite know how to ask, so I will be as polite as I can.

You are a rare treasure of a woman, and as a man that loves anal sex I have been hard pressed to find a woman that even remotely enjoys it. It’s usually seen as taboo, or nasty even though I know all of the ways to keep it sanitary. So here is my question. Are women who enjoy anal really so elusive, or am I not looking in the right places? I admit, even men’s gully holes are starting to look good to me at this point.

~Dark Passenger


Dear Dark Passenger:

Thank you very much for the politely worded question and the compliment. I appreciate both. Now let’s talk anal sex.

Finding a person who shares your fantasies or kinks can feel like trying to find a needle in a haystack sometimes. And I’ve never understood why people place anal sex in the taboo category or see it as scandalous. In my eyes, anal sex is a part of regular, vanilla sex. CRAZY, I know. There are other women out there who feel the same <points at Nikki> and it will take patience to find them. But I know that they’re out there. I’m absolutely positively sure that they exist. Wearing a scarlet ‘AS’ on our shirts would be helpful, I know, but since many of us are undercover taking-it-in-the-ass lovers, patience is more practical. Keep the faith, Dark Passenger!

Have you tried looking at a fetish site? Anal play is popular with many kinksters. In fact, there are anal groups that you can join to discuss your mutual adoration of ass play. But even more important than zeroing in on a certain website or concentrating all your focus on a woman who loves anal sex, I think it’s most important to find someone willing to explore it. Sometimes all it takes is someone willing to try something new or explore a concept again with a new partner. I’m speaking from first hand experience, because I didn’t always love anal.

In college my first anal sex experience was super hot. It was like discovering a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow–unicorns and glitter abound! But many of the men I later dated didn’t even broach the subject of anal. Eventually I married, and I entered a nine-year anal sex dry spell. My ex-husband proclaimed that as far as he was concerned, I didn’t possess an asshole and he thought it was disgusting to even contemplate touching a sphincter during sex. So like I said, I went a looooooong time without anal sex. After my divorce, when I re-entered the dating world, anal sex became a hot topic again especially when I began dating kinky people. The challenge was that for a variety of reasons, anal sex had become painful for me.

This is the part where I think finding a willing woman can be as great as finding one that is an anal whore (and I mean that as a huge compliment) right out of the box. When I started dating the man who is now my Dominant and master, I realized that if I wanted to please him in all the ways that I could, I would have to find a way to enjoy anal sex again. Sure, I could bite my tongue and take it up the ass like a good girl, but as much as sir enjoys anal sex, I knew I’d be having it a lot. Luckily for both of us, my soulmateclone Nikki Blue published a fantastic guide to anal sex and I started doing my homework.

I learned a lot from Nikki’s guide, and sir and I have tried anal sex in different positions, with different lubes and under all sorts of conditions. Stairs are tricky. *cough* I’ve had some amazing anal sex again, but the biggest lesson I learned was that having a willing partner to explore new sexual territory is the most important component. Because as much as you think you know about a sexual topic, you could probably learn more. At least, that’s how it was in my case. All I needed was a little direction and a gentle push from sir. <snort> I’m totally restraining the cock jokes here. ANYWAY…

It takes patience to find a willing partner, and then more patience as you explore anal sex together. Guides like Nikki’s Fundamentals of Fabulous Anal Sex are very helpful, and if you can show your partner that you’re willing to take it slow and that you’re focused on her enjoying the experience as much as you do, then I predict many pleasure filled times ahead of you. Don’t lose hope, Dark Passenger. We anal sex loving girls are out there. Keep in mind that sometimes we don’t realize how great it can be, but we’re willing to try if you are.

Here’s a song to illustrate what I mean.





Dear Heather

I do have a question for you though and I hope you don’t mind me asking and feel free not to answer it, but I’m just trying to understand the Sub thing more. So……

I can understand giving yourself up as Sub to a Dom in a sexual context, but I find it harder to understand how, as an obviously strong and self-assured woman, you keep that going in your day-to-day life.

I’m referring to the situation when you and your fella are at the table and you miss a message from him and are mortified that you missed it and want to put your head in his lap.

Please don’t think I’m disapproving of this, but if someone had have done that to me I’d have told them to feck off and stop bossing me about. Sooooooo my question is….. what is the motivation for living the Sub life as a lifestyle choice as opposed to a sexual episode thing?

Is it that it’s an instinctive feeling that dominates your being? Where does the feeling of satisfaction at being beholden to someone come from?

Sorry if this sounds rude, I’m not disapproving (as if I’d have a right to), but I find it fascinating that a woman who seems to self-assured and confident within herself would wish to have someone dictate their movements or feelings.

Hope you don’t mind me asking.



Dear Anon:

I don’t mind you asking these questions at all, because I ask myself the same ones a lot. Plus you’re so very polite… how can I resist answering?

To begin with, I have no definitive answer as to why I’m submissive. I suppose you could compare it to being bisexual. God made me this way. *shrug* It’s trite but true. There are some genetics at play, I’m sure, because my father is extremely submissive. He’d rather die than admit it, but the man can’t make one decision for himself. His wife does. Add to that my rural, traditional upbringing and throw in a dash of God’s great sense of humor = Heather Cole.

As to my particular brand of submission–there are hundreds of versions of submission like there are styles of kinky or flavors of ice cream. It’s not a feeling of being beholden to my Sir, rather, it’s the drive to please him. When we are in the space of Dominant and slave, my only focus is him. My mission is to please him in whatever way he desires whether that’s by baking him brownies or wearing a butt plug or crawling behind him wearing a collar and leash. I get off on making him the center of my universe for that span of time.

Have you ever wished that someone would take control of your life for just a little while so that you didn’t have to make all the decisions and shoulder all the responsibility? In my opinion, my submission is an extension of that wish. Together Sir and I make a safe place for me to do exactly that. He gets to dominate and command me while I get the joy of not having to decide a blessed thing. I’m focused solely on pleasing him in whatever way he wishes. I am free. I am his.

Yes, it’s a complete contradiction to my daily persona! I’m fully aware that I don’t want my Dom to control everything about me. In fact, I need more autonomy than many of the other slaves I know. For example, I’d never permit him to dictate what I wrote or how I raised my child. However, when he and I are together, I find great freedom in allowing all my emotional walls to dissolve so that I can place my entire being into the hands of my loving Dominant. I want him to hurt me, mold me into the thing he desires then to use me until I’m nothing but a spent pile of limbs on the bed.

I believe that submission, just like sexuality, is fluid. There have been times in my life where I’ve locked that submission away so that I could roll up my sleeves and get to work and other times where I was nothing but a submissive pain slut living in the moment of pleasing my Sir. I’m sure I’ll ride those fluctuations again. But even when I put her away so that I can live some other part of my life, she’s there. Patiently waiting in that dark closet to come out. When she does? Well, the words “sexual apocalypse” have been uttered.

Thank you so much for writing!





Dear Heather:

I was wondering if you could invite me to a fetish party as an observer some weekend.

Thanks in advance,



Dear R:

Considering that I have never met you in person, I must decline your request. I’m flattered that you’d want me to be your hostess into our kinky community, however, I’m so new to it my own damn self that it would be the newbie leading the newb. Babes in the canes, my dear!

This is what I suggest; we both attend a munch. We pull on our big girl panties and RSVP on Fetlife to meet other like-minded folk at a restaurant wearing *gasp* regular clothes. We slap on our nametags and eat a grandslam (I require extra bacon) while listening to others talk about the goings-on of the lifestyle and we answer get-to-know-us questions. I’m certain that before we finish our last bite of pancake, there will be an invitation to a party. Providing that you’re not a sex offender and that I don’t laugh loudly like a donkey. (It happens when I’m nervous.)

The thing about play parties is that they most often happen in private homes. Because of this, no one has to invite us to anything. The host or hostess may only extend the invitation to people they’ve known (and liked) for a while. It’s their party so they can invite whomever they wish and cry if they want to.

Parties vary depending on who is hosting, but there are some general things to expect. Nudity is one of them. Remember, dear R, there are no rules that say you must attend in your birthday suit. Although if you feel inspired to tie a bow around your *cough* this is the crowd that would no doubt appreciate it. You will not be expected to get naked, nor will you be expected to play if you don’t feel comfortable. Do expect others to get naked or be in various stages of undress or lingerie or nipple clamps and plastic wrap. I like to wear a dress, but my girlfriend often brings several changes of lingerie. If we choose to play, we usually get naked. Or as Liri likes to exclaim, “why are you still wearing clothes?!”

There may be a sheet hanging in front of the door so that Old Neighbor Jones doesn’t peek in while walking his cockapoo and see Sally from carpool tied to the St. Andrew’s cross. Walk past the sheet and you will find people chatting, food and snacks and maybe music. If people are playing, typically they don’t mind others watching. After all, they came to a party. However, give them space and try not to interrupt unless they actively encourage you to ask questions or get in on the fun. I’ve had a couple moments where I had to stare a little bit before realizing, “hey, those people are fucking.” Then I was like, “oh, spinach dip!”

My first party actually began as a traditional housewarming. I brought a pie that I had baked, I circulated and chatted and met new people. I traded BBQ tips with a grandmother, petted the dogs and took a tour of the house. Eventually the co-workers left and the grandmother said goodnight, and an extra-large rubbermaid container was brought out, chock full of floggers and dragon tails. Rope appeared and clothes vanished, and the party moved to the basement.

I played that night. It was the first time I attended a party on my own, and it was the first time that someone other than my Master (now ex) flogged me. I was nervous and giddy, and I felt a little out of control. For the first time I was going to scene without my M, but I had rules. There were boundaries that I wouldn’t cross, and I made sure that the person topping me knew them. If he had tried to coerce me beyond those boundaries, I would NOT have submitted. And here lies the most important rule of a play party, dear R. No one should try to convince you to do something that you don’t want to do, whether it’s to use a toy or leave the party with them. Coercion of any kind is unacceptable. A creeper is a creeper is a creeper; no matter if you’re at a bar with friends or a play party.

Play parties give us a good cross-section of the kinky populace, all up close and naked. When we attend, we learn about others just as they learn about us. It’s a way of establishing ourselves as positive members of the community. It can be social and educational. It can be a boatload of fun. However, it’s just as easy to brand ourselves bad play partners, or even worse, dangerous ones. I intend to be the former, R dear, so I’ll see you at the chips and dip. Bow optional.





Dear Heather:

My partner and I are beginning to explore more dominant/submissive roles in the bedroom. We’re experimenting and like to switch who is dominant, but she really gets off submitting and allowing me to do “whatever I want.” We have a couple fantasies we’d like to enact, and we have our safewords picked out. I was wondering if you have some suggestions about what we should (or shouldn’t) do as beginners to kink.


Dearest Anon:

First let me say congratulations! Exploring and being open sexually to the needs and desires of your partner (and knowing yourself) are a wonderful start. Keep up the good work, because open communication in the bedroom is crucial to a fulfilling sex life. Choosing a safeword is also important. Remember, if there’s a gag involved in your fantasy or the person submitting can’t vocalize for some reason, make sure that you have a hand signal that acts as your safeword.

What I can’t stress enough is aftercare. That’s right…AFTERCARE. My darling Anon, if you don’t know what the hell I’m talking about, don’t fret. Many people don’t know about this crucial piece of good sex play. Aftercare is so important that absolutely everyone, regardless of sexual preferences, should practice it. What I’m saying, Anon, is that those moments after your fantasy has run its course, when you’re together in the aftermath of orgasm glow and bodily fluids, hold her close and tell her how fucking amazing she is. Personally, I think everyone should do that after sex. Heaven knows that I didn’t do it enough in my twenties. If I could, I’d go back in time and thank every one of my sexual partners. Even that quickie in the bathroom.

In the world of kink, aftercare is supposed to be the last part of every scene. In fact, many submissives include it in their negotiation of a scene as an essential aspect of their play. After the excitement and fun, the resulting vulnerability for a submissive can be scary if they’re not tended to after the scene. Some submissives want to be held and stroked, others want to be left alone and untouched until they’re out of subspace. It can be anything really, just make sure you ask your partner what she needs after all is said and fucked…er, done.

Here’s an example: Last month M celebrated my birthday with me, and I had a special, super-intense scene which I had requested. M likes to surprise me, and not only was this scene longer than usual, but not one kind word escaped his lips. I was beaten in my most tender places. He took a cane to my thighs if I cried, and I swear he left me alone for what seemed an eternity. (I was blindfolded and tied so time was unreliable.)  At the end of my birthday scene, I used my safeword because I had convinced myself that M hated me. His mindfuck was that superb. I was physically and emotionally undone. Imagine a puddle of crying goo. That was me.

As soon as the safeword was out of my mouth, I was unhooked from my bonds. The blindfold came off, and I curled into the fetal position on the bed. I was sobbing into my hands when I felt the bed dip behind me. M slid his arms around me and held me, murmuring that I was such a good pet for enduring what I did. That he was proud of me and loved me. Gradually I stopped crying and relaxed into his embrace. I have a favorite position with my arms tucked to my chest and my face buried in his neck as he wraps his strong arms around me. I floated in subspace, and M reassured me. His excellent aftercare was what enabled me to continue being completely open with him.

Anon, it sounds like you and your partner are giving this a lot of thought, for which I commend you. And I say this to all our readers: aftercare shouldn’t be an option, it should be a requirement. If you have one ounce of respect for your partner, whether it’s an hour of fun or a lifetime commitment, take care of that person. Tell them thank you for getting your rocks off. Ultimately, we’re sharing a connection. Honor it.

Yours in sexual matters,

xo Heather




Dear Heather:

Is it hard keeping track of both persona’s?  Nikki seems to
disappear quite often so you are obviously the dom.  Just an observation.



Dear Anon:

This question made me chuckle a little bit, because I have a hard enough time keeping track of my own shenanigans. If I had to keep up with Nikki’s too…dear Lord, I’d never have time for anything else. The truth is that Nikki and I are two very separate, real people. She is my best friend, and I met her at the same time that I did my Master. In fact, in the early stages of our friendship, we joked about being a threesome. Like the Three Musketeers but naked and fucking. Oh, and not French. The specifics of our meeting are the subject of an upcoming post. You’ll get all the juicy (we like orgasms!) details soon. We “disappear” because both of us have demanding personal lives.

As to the Dom part of your observation, Nikki and I are both submissive in the bedroom. I’m submissive out of it when M is around, but most of the time we’re headstrong, stubborn and independent women. As Nikki has written in her post about eDoms, one shouldn’t make broad assumptions based upon the label “submissive.” This advice applies to all sorts of labels generally speaking, don’t you think? All of us are complex, contradictory humans.

Thanks so much for your question!




____________ xoxoxoxo_______________


From M.R. via Twitter:

Neighbors watching “adorable” grandchild. Child is loud very early in morning. Proper response: loud sex or VERY loud sex?


Dear M.R.

Because a child is involved, I recommend loud sex. That way the grandparents can offer a somewhat plausible explanation (“They’re moving furniture!”) but still get the fucking point.



  1. wednesday says:

    just wanted to stop by to tell you that i love you ladies! *mwah* – wednesday

  2. Hi Heather. You will notice an increase in your followers on Google Plus. I have over 12,000 followers which Google Plus passes on some of the power eventually. Use your power wisely Heather. 🙂 Cheers Chris Burgess

  3. I have a question for you that I don’t quite know how to ask, so I will be as polite as I can.

    You are a rare treasure of a woman, and as a man that loves anal sex I have been hard pressed to find a woman that even remotely enjoys it. It’s usually seen as taboo, or nasty even though I know all of the ways to keep it sanitary. So here is my question. Are women who enjoy anal really so elusive, or am I not looking in the right places? I admit, even men’s gully holes are starting to look good to me at this point.

    • Heather Cole says:

      Dear Dark Passenger,
      First of all, thank you very much for the compliment. I appreciate it. 🙂

      Secondly, I think your question is an intriguing one. Check back with us this week, and I’ll post an answer for you. Thank you for commenting!


  4. Anon says:

    Dearest Heather,
    I’m a pretty kinky person, and I’d like to meet like minded people, but having been brought up in a small conservative town, I don’t know where to go. Could you help me with ideas about how to explore my kink?
    Your response and advice will be much anticipated and appreciated.
    Thank you, Anonymous.

  5. H.H. says:

    Hi Heather, I recently saw your interview with Kayla Lords about her new book. We were wondering if you’d be interested in a similar one with us for our book: Match, Cinder & Spark – Nymphomania and the Single Girl. Thanks, Lo & HH

  6. DP says:

    Dear Heather,

    I am writing to you out of sheer frustration and a dire need for some direction. I desperately require a woman’s insight. As you know, the majority of women out there, or at least most of my girlfriends, are perfectly content living with “once-in-a-while sex” and just won’t/ don’t get it. I need some perspective from a reasonable and sexually open minded woman!

    The background: I am a sexually spirited creature. Not like the kinds of women that pretend to be, in order to impress a man in the beginning of a relationship, but I actually DO love sex. I love all of the wonderful things that come with the package too. Intimacy, pleasure, pain, openness, knowing someone on a deeper level, the challenge, discovery of ones deepest inner desires and of course, am a firm believer in sex as stress therapy. Needless to say, if I have to wait more than a couple of days without sex, I struggle. I am told that I am an attractive woman, and get hit on a fair bit.

    The beginning: I met a wonderful guy. The real deal. Someone you fall in love with and eventually marry. Someone who makes you laugh and brings out the best in you. Before we started dating I’d heard rumours that he was a bit of a “freak in bed” and I’ll admit that it did pique my curiosity and may have nudged me closer to him, despite my strong desire to remain single after my divorce! He pursued me for a long time and eventually I gave in – the sex was spectacular! He wasn’t quite as naughty as id hoped but he certainly enjoyed the rougher aspect of sex and that I loved. I enjoyed how utterly comfortable I felt with him sexually and intimately. Best of all, he was coachable! We continued to have great sex – daily sex and life was good! The relationship progressed. Work stress melted away… If anything, the stress fuelled some steamy sexersize episodes. We were perfectly compatible and he kept up! That was a breath of fresh air. It was always wet and wild and usually accompanied by multiple orgasms. I thought i’d found myself a unicorn! Yay me!

    The problem: Let me start off with saying that he is uncircumcised. Although not my preference, not normally an issue but in his case, the birdie was too big for the cage, if you know what I mean. He has really tight foreskin. So much so, that the skin will not pull back when he is erect. Only in a flaccid state. I had no idea that this was a thing. I remember it raising a concern for me in the beginning but it never seemed to cause a problem. So, que sera sera. Well, after about a year or so, he began complaining about pain every once in a while after sex. I felt bad for him and bought him special creams I thought could help (zinc ointment etc). The pain became more frequent and eventually unbearable for him. His foreskin would tear, bleed and then scab which caused even more pain if we had sex again. This resulted in us trying to wait until it was healed before having sex again. The poor guy. I wanted to help him but couldn’t do anything. Nothing changed on my part, I still got as wet as ever – squirted, orgasmed etc. I even stopped doing my kegals thinking that might help in the short term. The problem persisted and became so frequent that it seemed to be happening all the time, or he became less tolerant to the pain. Either way, It became difficult to handle. I started the inevitable interrogation of myself – is this a legitimate problem or is it an excuse? Could he be cheating? Was he still emotionally and mentally committed? I asked myself all the normal questions – everything was cosher. I was however, invariably initiating sex and getting shut down – this had never happened to me before – ever! I wasn’t even sure how to handle it. I tried to mask my disappointment and be understanding, supportive and caring. All the things that a good girlfriend should do. Eventually I got tired of being turned down and started becoming less diplomatic about my frustrated rants. I remember thinking, “what a baby, I had 3 kids out of this vagina and didn’t cry this much, plus I was back on the band wagon much earlier than recommended!” The arguments became more about him not wanting to address my needs and that there were other forms of intimacy he could try so that we wouldn’t lose the connection we had. I even left subtle hints about threesomes and pursuing sex clubs to keep the flame going but he had zero desire to participate – likely because he was feeling a little less of a man. These types of conversations only caused tension so I finally pleaded with him to see a doctor. I said that we could not keep going on like this and that there needed to be something that could be done. I grew so frustrated and couldn’t understand how a once perfectly operating penis could all of a sudden, have such a problem. After much research and a doctors examination, he told me that his family doctor believes that he has a rare condition where a flap of skin has grown over time and is making the already tight foreskin, even tighter. Apparently this is causing the problem. He was referred to a specialist who could only see him… *Gulp* 6 months later!?? I was horrified. You want me to wait- 6 months??? I was infuriated at the medical system, i even began to question whether he was telling the truth and had actually even gone to the doctor. During one interrogation, I even caught him in a blatant lie about cream he was supposed to pick up as per the doctors orders but didn’t. Some nonsense about a side effect he was worried about. It just became too much. I tried to “turn off” my “downstairs” to flick the switch and stop being so needy. I should have had a funeral for my vagina. We are now into our 5th month of waiting and the damage is devastating! The odd time we have sex its awkward and uncomfortable. It’s over before it begins. It’s sad. I do a better job myself as I’m sure he does too. Because he has become a little depressed over all of it, he has also gained a lot of weight so that makes it even more challenging. To cap it all off, regardless of how much I keep telling myself this is not my fault, my self esteem and confidence has taken a massive blow! Now let me just say that this is so horribly ironic and that if I wasn’t in physical pain over it, I might even appreciate the irony – that a woman who loves sex and has been accused of being a nympho, is now facing this sort of dilemma …with the love of her life. Fuck you Murphy! Truly!! Murphy’s law is my nemesis! The relationship has began to take a very difficult turn and as much as I try to be patient, understanding and supportive, I have a burning desire to get fucked – hard – it’s killing me! I haven’t cheated although admittedly the thought has crossed my mind lately out of pure frustration. I catch myself day dreaming and then give my head a shake. I will remain faithful but I try to stay away from any temptation, any men who have hit on me or tried to get in my pants over the years. Old flames .. All of them – for fear of not being able to control myself. I am dying here. I feel like a hollow empty insecure shell. Like a Ferrari that has been left under a tarp in a garage only to be started once in a blue moon but not actually driven. God, I know that sounds lame but hell… What else can I say. I NEEEEED sex. The lack thereof is causing serious bitterness which is causing a whole new set of problems. It’s like a vicious cycle. Oh, it also happens to be slap bang in the middle of a massive career change for me. I have started my own business which of course is overly stressful and man oh man – I could really use the damn stress relief – the outlet, now more than ever!!!

    My question: Now that I have completely overwhelmed you and possibly even grossed you out with way too much information (for which I am so sorry) I really need your help. Please provide some insight. What the hell do I do? Keep waiting and hoping that we can get this sorted out? That he goes for surgery and then we just get back to our normal sexual selves? Can we even rekindle what we had after such a blow? How long does that take? And how do I cope in the mean time? How do I support him during a difficult time like this? How do I keep myself from cheating when every man is staring to look like a giant walking penis that is tormenting me because my vagjna feels like it is drying up and shrivelling away to nothing?? I have visions of tumble weeds … TUMBLE WEEDS for gods sake! Or… Just tell me I’m being an insensitive asshole. That I should stop having needs or at least have an easier time repressing them. That I should put him first for the sake of love??

    Thank you for taking the time to read my question. I look forward to your insight.


    • Heather Cole says:

      Dear DP: Thank you for your question. I think it’s the longest I’ve ever received. 🙂 There’s a lot to consider here, and I’ll be posting my answer in the next couple weeks. Hugs! ~Heather

  7. L says:

    Hi Heather.

    I just discovered this wonderful little jewel online while researching sub and bdsm and what it actually meant. As you can probably tell i’m not in the lifestyle..though..i think i’d like to be.

    Before i post the question, or rather the request (which im sure you get a million of those, but trying never harmed anyone) let me give you some background on myself.

    I come from a very conservative country in Europe. My parents (bless their hearts) are ok as far as being open goes, ok for the society in which i grew up in. That being said sex was never discussed in my familly. Ever. It was not even discussed at school, the most we ever got as far as sex ed was a lady telling us at 17 about our periods. Everything i learned about sex and sexuality came from a late night radio show hosted by a psychologist.

    I lost my v-card very late compared to other people my age froma cross the pond. And i only had 2 brief experiences untill i met my current bf with whom i’ve been involved with for almost 5 years now. He is from a very different society as far as being sexually open goes. And there lies the krux of the problem. Our sex life has been shaky at best. On the one hand he has been the only guy to get me off, on the other i don’t exactly have a comparison. Add to that the fact that my libido is near zero. It’s very rarely there, and though i have tried seeking medical help, all i got were shrugs and a very “comforting” deal with it.

    I know it’s a sore point for him, but he has accepted me like this…i haven’t accepted myself. I hate my body for this, im 28 and i feel like im at the end of my sex life, or that it died at it’s infancy. I tried everything, watching porn, breathing exercises during sex to try and stimulate and relax myself, but still 9 times out of 10 i don’t reach orgasm. I always always try to make sure he does, but it’s feeling like a chore.

    Recently i started trying to read erotica, thinking maybe it will help me figure out what it is that does turn the motor on, and i stumbled on bdsm (no not 50 shades of scary). I found that some of the things, emotions, situations described do turn me on to the point that i almost reach orgasm just by visualising it, and putting myself in those situations, and made me wonder if maybe this is it for me, maybe this is what i need. I tried telling this to my partner but, i don’t think he took me seriously, add to that that my upbringing is making it extremley difficult to open up about these things, even to him. My hands are shaking even as i write this, and it’s anonymous.

    My guy, he isn’t into this at all. He said he would try anything, but i know him, and he would not be able to be dominant in the way that would make the whole knees weak-mouth dry kinda feeling. It would be forced and just…fake.

    My question is…how do i find out? What do i do? I know about munches, i read aboutt hem, but i don’t think there are any here. I need someone who is in the scene that i can talk to, and figure things out. I’m afraid of all the things that can go wrong, especially for a sub and especially for someone as tiny as me. What do you reccomend? How can i exlore this, safely, not just through books?

    Please help,

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