Dear Nikki,
I have a really great group of friends who know I’m kinky. It’s an amazing feeling to finally be myself without worrying about what others think. My friends have been very supportive of my kinky endeavors and are very open about sex themselves. We love to sit around and talk about things that would make most people’s ears hurt, but lately when I bring up sex, one friend in particular changes the subject. The first few times it happened I thought I was reading too much into it. But now she clearly takes control of the conversation or clams up altogether and I feel like she’s judging me. Should I confront her about her attitude change?
Baffled in Baltimore
Dearest Baffled,
Coming out of the kinky closet to your friends takes sizeable gonads, my kinkalicious friend, so let me give you a big high five for that brave moment. And I agree with you wholeheartedly. It is amazing when you feel safe enough to let your hair down among friends, sharing the parts of you that normally require a super secret password to unlock. It’s like you can finally breathe. This newly found freedom, however, comes with the responsibility of establishing boundaries that everyone is comfortable with.
I remember the hot wave of relief that rolled through me the first time I divulged my kinky nature to my friends and they didn’t hunt me down like the village ogre wielding pitchforks and buckets of holy water. It was both terrifying and exhilarating, and to my surprise, a few of them unveiled their own little juicy box of lifestyle secrets. I no longer had to hide my kinky tendencies and that level of comfort is a fan-fucking-tastic feeling. So I empathize about wanting to spew the contents of your kinky wishlist to your accepting friends.
It sounds like one of them, at least, has had her fill of your sexploits, and she may be trying to clue you into the need for a subject change by hijacking the conversation. I understand your focus may be on sharing every delicious detail of your kinky sexcapades with your friends and you may not be thinking about limits outside of a BDSM scene, but you need to keep boundaries in mind as they relate to friendships as well.
Balance plays an important role in any type of relationship. It’s all about give and take, and if you try to make your sex life the primary topic of conversation with your friends, you’re doing all of the taking and none of the giving. And by giving I mean listening to what they have to say about their partners and what’s going on in their lives too. You’re assuming that everyone is interested in hearing the particulars of your kinky lifestyle, and I have a sneaking suspicion this assumption is what is making your friend uncomfortable. I highly recommend you put the brakes on the sexy talk, otherwise your friend may redraw the boundaries of your friendship to include less of you in her life.
Have a heart to heart with your friend. Ask her what is bothering her and be prepared to listen, offering an apology if you feel it’s necessary. Don’t apologize for being who you are (never apologize for that), but for monopolizing the conversation and forgetting to listen. Then maybe smoke a peace pipe, slam a shot of tequila or whatever you agree on, and get back to the give-and-take that good friends experience. Don’t get me wrong though, if your audience is open to it, you can talk about group sex and slapping your partner’s cock until the cows come home. Just remember to ask what’s new in their lives, and maybe talk about the blowout BOGO sale going on at the grocery store. Or what a douchebag your best friend’s ex-husband is.
See? It’s all about balance, baby.
*hugs*
Nikki
I’m delurking now, so hi! I really like this blog, good and interesting writing all around. =)
I have just begun to explore the kinky world, and I have only told one friend about my new found interest. Partly because she is the closest friend I have and partly because of this subject. I know that she will ask me to shut up if/when she have gotten enough of my ranting. Still, I try my best to change the subject when I believe I have talked enough about something, be it books, family or BDSM.
I wholeheartedly agree that balance is important, but it can be a bit hard to find sometimes.
Raven – I agree that it can be hard especially with something so exciting like KINK! As with any skill, we get better with time trying to balance it all. Keep reading and talking though, and you can always come here and chat too. I’m so happy that you decided to delurk!
What have you been reading?
Absolutely, kink is exiting and fun and sometimes it’s very hard to stop talking about it, but I guess I will get better at the balancing with time. I will without doubt continue to read and talk, and maybe come over here and chat. =)
I’m not sure what kind of reading you are referring to. If it’s the books I mention; I read fantasy, vampires, werewolves, magic and that kind of thing. If you are referring to kink related stuff; quite a bit of blogs and other stuff on the web. I haven’t gotten to buy any books yet.
Hi, Raven! Thank you for reading and commenting! And welcome to the kinky side of life!
I apologize for my lateness to the comment party. I try to be good about it, but I suck. Like REALLY suck. So please don’t ever think I’m ignoring you, because I’m not. I just suck.
*hugs*
Nikki