I don’t consider myself an overly emotional person. I’m not clingy, and I’m not a sappy romantic. I even had my tear ducts surgically removed in 1989, so I never cry. Like ever. Lately, though, I’ve been feeling out of sorts. Maybe even a little displaced. I confess it’s been tough, but I’ve kept most of my heavy heartedness to myself, not wanting to give Mr. K or Heather the impression that I’m selfish or God forbid, needy. I can assure you I’m neither. But I am human, and the dip in communication from them both left me feeling like the rug had been pulled out from under me in one swift motion, knocking me off balance.
When Mr. K is super busy with work, our communication downshifts from constant to no more than a few hurried check-ins a day at best. For the most part I’m easy, a simple XO giving me the assurance that I’m in his thoughts. Our communication is the lifeline that connects us between visits, so sometimes it takes me a moment to adjust to the shift. But I always do. And I never feel slighted or worry that he loves me less. I know that if he could, he would spend every spare moment wrapped in my arms and legs. But life doesn’t work that way. We have responsibilities to take care of and lives to lead. I recognize when his thoughts drift toward work and sometimes it’s hard, but I give him the space he needs to focus. It’s one of the reasons he’s labeled me the Best Girlfriend Ever.
Heather has always been there to talk me through these adjustment periods, and last week was particularly challenging as I faced the possibility of not seeing Mr. K all summer. But our communication had changed too. Most of her time was now spent with her Sir and in my mind our conversations seemed to dwindle and feel rushed. Between writing, work and LH, her plate was full. I worried she would think I wasn’t happy for her and LH if I voiced how I felt, so I kept my thoughts under wraps.
She knew something was wrong though, she could hear it in my voice. She later sent a text message asking if I was ok, saying I sounded sad. And she was right, I was a little sad. I was feeling the distance between the two of us and dreading the upcoming drop in communication with Mr. K, but I was doing what I did best. I was protecting the people I love. I was protecting Mr. K from the onslaught of my feelings, not wanting to add to the pressure he was already under. And I was protecting Heather, afraid of damaging our friendship.
I eventually replied, telling her I was fine when I really wasn’t. I was in a very weird place. I felt as if I was losing both of them at the same time, even though neither was going anywhere. It turned out Heather felt the disconnect too, and she didn’t like it any more than I did. She said as amazing as LH is, our friendship is sacred and she would start stepping away from work/writing/LH more to talk with me. Then somehow our conversation turned to bloated Narwhals, pits filled with pancakes, and quotes from Silence of the Lambs, swapping ‘lotion’ for ‘syrup’. I know it sounds really fucking weird, but it made total sense to us. Partially because we know how the other thinks, and partially because we drink a lot.
Anyway, making the decision to tell Heather how I felt was hard for me because talking about my feelings is not my forté. It never has been. Like math. We’re best friends forever though, and that means we talk about everything; the good, the bad, and the ugly. It’s in the soulmateclone handbook. I’m still adjusting to Mr. K’s busy schedule, but that’s to be expected. I reminded him that we made it through last summer, and I meant it when I said we’ll make it through this one too. We’ll just have that much more to look forward to when I finally get my hands on him again. And as for protecting him from my feelings, I’d say that cat’s pretty much out of the bag now. Fucking cats…
