According to Wikipedia, kink is sexual practices that go beyond normal sexual boundaries, but what is perceived as normal? We like what we like. Why does it have to be abnormal? For someone who likes anal sex, that’s normal, and for someone who only likes missionary sex, that’s normal.
*shudders*
I recently asked a Dom how long he’d known he was kinky and he quickly pointed out that there was a fundamental flaw with my question. He doesn’t consider himself or his desires kinky, or deviant, or even alternative. He said that everything is a power exchange and whether people choose to admit it or not is irrelevant. His words made me severely weak in the knees.
Everyone’s version of normal is different just like everyone’s version of kink is different. I like to be spanked barehanded until I’m bruised and in tears. I like nipple torture and breath play, biting and being restrained just to name a few. Some people may consider that to be on the low end of the kink totem-pole and I’m fine with that. It’s not a contest that wins us colorful badges to be pinned to our leather cuffs during a bonfire ceremony. Is Heather kinkier than I am? Abso-fuckin-lutely she is. I know that she likes to be flogged and whipped until blood is drawn. I also know I can’t handle that and I’m not ashamed to admit it. Something else that I’m not ashamed to admit is that hot candle wax on my clit hurts like a motherfucker. I found that limit accidentally by the way. Don’t ask.
Trying to find where you fit in can be a struggle because lines appear to be so clearly drawn. If you’re not a sadist, a masochist, a dominant, a submissive, or a fetishist, what are you? This self-discovery seems to be terribly difficult when someone of the dominant nature is in the beginning stages of self-realization. Some Doms struggle with the thought of inflicting pain on a willing submissive because it goes against everything men have been taught since boyhood, and that’s ok. Nowhere does it say that a Dom is required to be a sadist. Likewise, a sub doesn’t have to be a masochist. The only requirement, and it’s more of a recommendation really, is being open to experimentation. It’s the same thing your mama said as you stared in horror at the plate of liver and onions on the table in front of you. How do you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?
Even though I’ve been submissive most of my life, my limits are still being determined. Re-enter the candle wax. Accident or not, I found a limit and whether it’s hard or soft remains to be seen. One thing I do know without a doubt is that fisting is a hard limit for me. No fucking way is someone going to stick their entire hand in my vagina for two reasons:
1.) What is the point?
2.) OW!
Don’t even get me started on anal fisting…
The biggest mistake you can make when finding your way is limiting yourself. Don’t let the lines intimidate you to the point where they become immovable barriers. Move through them slowly while adding bits and pieces to your goodie basket that will fit you, not Joe Blow three doors down because he said that’s the way you have to be.
Discovering your submissive side is just as challenging. Whether you’re a newbie or just curious, it’s best to test the waters before you dive in head first which brings me to the subject of eDom’s again. Yes, yes, I know I attempted to rip eDom’s new assholes a week ago, but a good eDom can play an integral part in revealing a sub’s soft limits in a completely comfortable environment. Grant it, banding your own nipples isn’t the same as having clamps placed on them by masculine hands while being told what a good girl you are, but it’s a good way to ease into it. And that is the only eDom compliment you will ever hear from me.
As with anything, kink is what you make it. It’s a part of my life that can be tailored to fit my needs perfectly. I’ll never judge and I’m open to anything except a pure vanilla relationship for the rest of my life because…
fuck that.
I agree about fisting. Um, hell no my vagina won’t go.
I totally want that on a T-shirt.
[...] I would never say that you are or aren’t kinky. I’m beginning to agree with the Dom that Nikki referenced. Why call it kink? My sexual practices are perfectly “normal” from my [...]
And again so much here that reminds me of myself and also of my Dom. He is of the firm belief that ALL relationships involve some sort of power exchange, it is the nature of all human interaction.
As for on-line kink I actually think it can be a very good place to start as it allows you to explore yourself mentally before launching into it for real. The key though is not to get trapped behind your computer but to eventually step out and find someone to actually touch you… then a whole new level of learning can begin.
Mollyxxx
You’re absolutely right, Molly. The problem with eDom’s, in my opinion, is that the majority have no real life experience. They’ve read enough to allow them to talk the talk, but that’s as far as it will go. But as we agreed, it can be a very good and safe place for a new sub (or even a budding Dom) to dampen their feet.