I’m a very sexual person and I’m not embarrassed or ashamed to admit it. I talk openly about the things I’ve done, the things I need, and the things I want. I readily admit that I was just fourteen years old when I gave my virginity away to a twenty-two year old married man. Should I have waited until I was older and had a better understanding of the value of my virginity? Probably, but there’s nothing that can be done to change it now. That infinitesimal speck of life experience is what has made me who I am today, and that I wouldn’t alter for any amount of do-overs.
With all that being said, I now have a thirteen year old daughter. A daughter who is smart and beautiful, and holy Jesus is she a hard-headed, pain in the ass. She has exhibited no signs of being boy crazy, and trust me, I know the signs well. She’s a watcher, and she doesn’t ask questions. She figures it out on her own and that’s not always a good thing.
The other day I checked the history on the computer as I often do, to see what she’s been up to besides spending an ungodly amount of hours liking stupid status updates on Facebook. When how to be really good at sex popped up in the list of visited sites between Woozworld and YouTube, I felt like I’d been kicked in the gut.
Holy fucking shit.
I shouldn’t have been terribly worried because the google search landed her on Redbook Magazine. Seriously, how much are they going to teach her? That’s like the Disney channel compared to the naughtiness Heather and I write about on Vagina Antics. I began to wonder what aspects of her would most resemble me. It wasn’t easy having such a strong yearning for sex when I was a teenager. It was confusing, and I made a lot of mistakes while trying to figure out why I was so different from the other girls my age. I also earned myself a scandalous reputation in the process. The worst part, and most dangerous, was committing the better part of my teens to a single relationship that fulfilled my desires yet nearly killed me.
My first knee jerk reaction was to jump online and purchase a chastity belt. My second idea was to lock her in the garage for the duration of puberty, but then I realized I’d have to let her out to shower and use the bathroom and that’s just way too much work. And then, of course, there would be the “concerns” of Family and Children’s Services. I hear they kind of frown on that sort of thing.
After I calmed down and began to think rationally again, I saw an opportunity to talk to her about sex when most kids her age are learning about it from their friends the way I did. Am I going to divulge details about blow jobs and rimming? Fuck no, but I want her to know that she can count on me to give her the best answers I can, no matter how ‘icky’ they are to her. She was embarrassed when I confronted her and tried to deny it was her curiosity that got her busted. I assured her that I wasn’t angry, but if she continued to lie about it, life as she knew it would cease to exist because I’d take her phone, her iPad, and her TV. Then I’d make her tell me how cool I am every day for a week. If I can’t have a little fun with it, what’s the point?
If she turns out to be a sexual being like me, so be it. We do share the same DNA. I can’t shield her, but I can educate her. My job at this point is to try to keep her from making the same mistakes I made. I’ll be supportive, and most importantly, I’ll tell her that if she does decide to have sex before she’s ready to handle the responsibility that comes along with it, her kidneys will fall out of her vagina. Because when it comes down to it, I’m a good mom.
Why aren’t more mothers as sensible as this?
One of my good friends has gone through this same thing with her daughter who is sixteen now. she’s told me the stories of having to deal with this as well as dealing with the girl’s stepmother. The stepmother (the EVIL stepmother) once asked the mother to lie to the daughter and tell her that sex is actually really painful so it would scare her into not doing it.
I don’t understand this mindset of lying and terrifying kids away from sex when it doesn’t work. All it takes is one time for them to figure out how good it is and all that bullshit goes out the window and now they KNOW you lied to them.
I look at this as my window of opportunity to open a dialog about sex. I want her to feel comfortable and unafraid to come to me. I learned the hard way. I don’t want that for her.
Oh, and the EVIL stepmother needs to be bound and gagged (not in a good way) and run over repeatedly with a car.
I love your reaction and desire to talk to her. So many parents shy away from that conversation. I am 31 years old and never had any kind of sex conversation with my mother. I think she’d be horrified if I even brought it up today.
I never had “The Talk” with my mother either. I think she figured if she avoided it, I wouldn’t have sex. Guess I showed her, didn’t I?
“Experience is the cruelest teacher in that it gives the test first, lesson second”. Your PhD in teenage sexual angst will help her avoid the tests you either passed or failed, depending on your vantage point…
PhD in teenage sexual angst?! I LOVE it! I want that on a matted and framed diploma in my vagina’s office.
Your vagina has an office? I can only imagine what you must see in your mind’s eye when you go to Staples!
Of course. It’s our first step in Vagina Domination.
I waited until I was 28, mostly because of religious shame and oppression of female sexuality. I’m grateful for a therapist who was kind and helped me work through a lot of issues, but nothing is ever clear. I wish my mom would have talked to me about sex instead of leaving it to the church and the ‘abstinence only’ public education system in Texas.
Brava for you and your bravery to use that PhD in teenage sexual angst for good
Thank you for your comment Courtney. Female sexuality is a beautiful thing, but it can be a treacherous road with religious interference and social condemnation blocking the way. They REALLY teach ‘abstinence only’ in school? Shame on them. And as far as my bravery goes, booze helps. *hugs*