If you follow me on Twitter, you’ve probably figured out that M and I parted ways last week. It’s the most devastating break-up of my life, and at some point I’ll write about it. Right now, though, I’m too deep in it to know where to start. There are not enough words to describe losing my Master, dearest friend and lover all at one fell swoop. I’m the walking wounded, someone with a gaping hole in their my chest. Like a zombie but prettier and with better shoes.
My world has been reduced to accomplishing the basic tasks of living and caring for my daughter. Much of it is accompanied by tears, and the best way I can describe it is feeling like I’m mourning a death. But I’m getting out of bed at least.
Most days.
My sexual desire has dwindled to nothing, and the thought of being part of a bdsm scene makes me hyperventilate. The man who identified my submission as a gift and who taught me that kneeling could be a powerful act is gone from my life. It feels like he took the key to my sexuality with him. In theory I know that this is temporary. One day I will want both those things again, and I’ll kneel for a different Master. Excuse me for a second while I throw up…
*deep breath*
It’s an odd thing to not feel sexy or desirable or horny. Don’t get me wrong, there are plenty of days that I don’t feel one of them. But I’ve never had it all go away at once. Those feelings have fled, and I have no inkling of when they’ll return. I haven’t touched my vibrator or myself. My bed has become the place where I cry myself to sleep, not a place of love and fantastic sex.
B is coming to visit next week. My handsome B with his kindness and warmth and understanding. I want to be a good girlfriend. I want this visit to be like our last with lots of sex and love and laughter. But I’m afraid that I can’t. I’m afraid that he’ll hold me and I won’t be able to stop sobbing.
I talked about my lack of a sex drive for the first time a couple days ago. I explained to B that it wasn’t that I didn’t want to have sex with him, I just don’t want to have sex at all. Great explanation, right? Very reassuring. But he was understanding and wonderfully supportive. He said that he wanted to be with me regardless of whether or not we had sex. I felt better after he said it, but there was a whisper of doubt in my head. What if your sexual feelings never come back?
I trust that everything will return to normal at some point. Everyone is telling me that, even though I can’t feel it with any certainty. I know the words to say and the actions of flirting and sex, but I have none of the powerful emotion that fuels it. It’s like holding someone’s hand in the dark. I know that the darkness can’t last forever, but I can’t see the pinprick of light in the distance yet. I can only grasp the hands around me and hold tight and wait for the sun.
I’m not going to phone in a “It will get better” or “You’ll rediscover your sexual self and it will be even better” comment.
I’ve been devastated. I know Rock Bottom. I lived there for a while. It sucks.
The only thing I can add is that, as much as it does suck, it is rock bottom. There is only up. May take a long time, but its the direction you’ll go.
My Leigh found me on my way up, and pulled me out. Will you find one, or they find you? Who knows? But it can happen.
In the interim, chocolate cake and wine…
Scot – I was just sitting here wondering when I was going to cry today. Well, your words did it. You’re right, rock bottom is the bottom. I love that you and Leigh found each other. It gives me hope.
Oh Heather, I hadn’t picked up on the events of last week… So sorry to hear how hurt and sad you are. Park the sex stuff. You’ll be ready when you’re ready. Grief and hurt and anger and all those other emotions have their own timescale.
I remember losing my Top – it hurts. And it heals. In your own time.
hugs, Anna x
Thank you, Anna. I appreciate your kind words. xoxo
I’m so very proud of you for writing this. It’s a form of catharsis, whether it feels that way or not. I hope it also helps to know you’ve got lots of friends who are pulling for you to get through this darkness. But first you have to mourn the loss. Remember, there’s a reason why we feel heartbreak. It reminds us that we’re human, and that we have the capability to love and thus love again. You will. *Hugs and kisses*
Jenny, I trust that you’re right about the catharsis. I felt like it *should* feel freeing or helpful somehow, but I’m still feeling like the walking dead. It’s a step towards “better,” right? Thank you for the comment. xoxo
Many hugs.
Hugs and kisses, Benny.
I was there with you two months ago.
It hasn’t stopped hurting, but the gets different, and sometimes different feels a little bit better.
Now I’m at the point where I’m really looking forward to being single for awhile. Forever? not so much. But for some time it will be fun.
hughug.
Sadey, I’m ready for different. And thank you for sharing your experience. It helps to read it. I feel the flutterings of hope.
OK, i know i should say something like it will be ok…or the pain will stop, or give it time…….but I say pull out the little red dress, put on some make up, go to the bar and drink until you find yourself dancing on the table top……
I understand that we must go through the emotions to be done with them…but sitting around a crying is not productive. You are smokin hot, great in bed and many other things i can list but wont. Any man( top, master or whatever terms you use) would be grateful to have you. You have to remember…anyone who walks out of your life was not meant to be there. So look forward with anticipation and zest to what wonderful things( including a man) are coming your way……because you have made room for them to come…..
Believe it or not, Devasha, a guy friend of mine gave me a very similar pep-talk. Thank you! I think I may be feeling like busting out that red dress soon. You’re the best! I love your words, and I’m tickled to find them here. I can’t wait to see you again soon. xoxo
[...] an emotional wreck. I was a slave who had just left the service of her first owner and Master, and I was barely managing to keep myself together. The man who had been the center of my universe for over a year, my closest friend, lover and the [...]