I’ve accepted that I’m kinky. I’m proud of it and talk about it openly. But that wasn’t always the case. When I was a teenager, I wondered why I was so different from other girls my age. Why I wanted the things I did and why the word “no” never crossed my lips. I had no one to talk to about the desires I had and no one to guide me. I was reckless, not caring how my actions affected others. Or myself for that matter. My sexual exploits earned me the reputation of a slut and I accepted it as fact. My behavior eventually caught the attention of the town bad boy and like gasoline and fire, we were a dangerous combination. I like to think it was my sparkling personality that drew him to me like a moth to a flame, but that’s unlikely the case.
Like me, he was different. Control seeped from his pores and I could feel his strength in the air around me. I could feel it in the way he dug his fingers into my flesh, the way he wrapped my hair around his hand. I knew I belonged to him and I felt safe. But there came a time when the line into non-consensual territory was crossed and he used the very things that attracted me to him as means to cause me pain. No matter how many times I said “no” or pleaded with him to stop, he hurt me.
Beyond my unhealthy relationship as a teen, I considered myself the aggressor when it came to sex. For years, I used sex as a way to replenish some of the control that had been taken from me over and over again. But the sliver of control I took from each sexual encounter never really left me feeling satisfied. So I sought more, always feeling like something was missing.
The pieces of my life that I’d always questioned began to fall into place just a year ago. I joined Twitter to promote my writing and as I added more followers to my list, I became part of a clique whose conversations were laced with sexual innuendo or were downright raunchy. It didn’t take long for me to realize they were kinky and as they tweeted about riding crops and floggers, I retreated to the sidelines. I didn’t fit that mold. At least I thought I didn’t. But the more I watched the conversations fly, it hit home.
Holy motherfucking shit.
I wasn’t a bystander. I was on the team.
I poured my guts out to Heather and she helped me sort through the viscous chunks of my life that still had the tendency to bleed like fresh wounds. Suddenly, gray areas that felt like gaping holes in my soul were being filled in with the answers about who I was. Who I always had been. I am a submissive woman and I finally understood that I was never weak, that it took an enormous amount of strength to place myself in the hands of another. But even with this newfound identity tingling every sense that I possessed, I didn’t dive into kinky endeavors without lots of research. I became a sponge, soaking in every word from books on D/s relationships and I asked experienced kinksters tons of questions before the palm of a hand ever touched my bare ass.
I was ready to be on my knees with my wrists bound behind my back knowing that I wasn’t an abomination, but I needed a play partner to do so. I created a brutally honest profile on a dating site expressing my needs and within days, Mr. Kryptonite was hot on my heels. He claimed to be the Dominant I needed, saying all the right things as he wooed me. I found no obvious red flags. I’d read the books and was mentally prepared, but reading and doing are two totally different things. I breathed deep and even got a little teary-eyed as I gave myself to this man who promised to hurt me. In a good way. His spankings were precise and the sting of each slap shot through my body tearing into my brain. The realization that I liked the pain he was inflicting was earth shattering. I was finally at peace with myself, and I wanted more.
That was my first experience with bdsm after “coming out.” And even though I was high with the anticipation of what lay ahead of me, I didn’t fly into it blindly without a safety net in place. I gave Heather the name of the hotel and the room number. She passed the information along to a friend who lived an hour south of me just in case I didn’t check in with her as we’d agreed beforehand. She was prepared to call the police if necessary.
It worries me when I see people jumping head-first into the lifestyle without an understanding of it on the front-side. I want to hold their hands between mine and say, “honey, slow down.” I want to lift their chin with my finger and look into their eyes saying, “you need to read. A lot.” I want to shake them by the shoulders and shout, “what do you mean you don’t know what a safeword is?!”
I’ve heard complaints about all of the rules and protocol and blah, blah, blah. And it’s true. There’s a lot to learn and it can be overwhelming. As with anything though, rules are in place for a reason. In the case of bdsm, they exist for your safety so quit your bitchin’.
This should be required reading for anyone dipping their toe into the lifestyle. Doubly so if their intro to it was an unrealistic presentation like 50 Shades.
Thank you, CJ. And there are so many others popping up that I’m equally as apprehensive to read. Especially if they are as you said, unrealistic, and poorly written as 50 Shades.
Couldn’t agree with the comment above more. It takes a while to come to terms with your sexual appetite, likes, dislikes and lifestyle, it isnt all 50 shades (I genuinely anger at the words) But your honesty is insightful, helpful, an incredibly well informed. Too many people put themselves in situations they dont understand and havent an idea of the consequences of. I had a friend who tried choking for the first time with a belt a guy from a club, she ended up in hospital after passing out, with a thoroughly bruised neck and having damaged her airway – on a ventilator. It happens.
Thank you for commenting, Cara! I’m so sorry to hear about your friends experience. I do hope she’s recovered well. And yes, things can go very wrong very fast. There are so many wanna-be’s who think that just because they’re Alpha, they’re Dominant. There is a big difference. Kink in all forms requires self-evaluation, open-mindedness and research. Lots of research.
Woo damn, this really hits home for me, because I’m exactly in that same place right now. Having just finally admitted it to myself that I *am* kinky, that I always have been, I feel all of these things.
Until surprisingly very recently, I’ve been telling myself that there are too many things wrong with me, and that I must not be made to have any good sexual experience. But after finding you two, this blog, Tiffany, and all the others on Twitter, I started to feel like I really belonged for once. Maybe, just maybe, I *can* enjoy sex and enjoy what I want.
Realization hit me over the head, but it also soothed into me, until everything just felt right. I’ve “come out” to myself, my mother, and my best friend who is so close we’re like twins. My mother was worried that I’d rush head first to experience all the things. But I’m lucky to have been surrounded by so many genuinely awesome people. I am doing my research, and thinking deeply. I have no idea what I really want since I have never had any real experiences. But anyone who just rushes into any kind of BDSM without preparing themselves, without safety measures, and holy shit without knowing what a safe word is…? I’m so glad that won’t be me.
And you, Nikki and Heather, have had a large impact on all of this for me. You’ve helped me solidify the fact that I should continue to be careful and do my research. So thank you. <3
Brittany – Thank you so much for commenting. Nikki and I think about you and your journey into kink A LOT. We know that you’re smart and insightful and surrounded by good people. We want to see you succeed in finding your way. Not that you’ll never mess up, because we learn from those mistakes, but we want you safe. We love you! xoxo
Gah, Heather! You made me cry – in the best possible way, I assure you. It’s so foreign for me to have so many people who actually are there for me and know what I’m going through and still be willing to give me the support and confidence I need. To hear that you guys actually think about me and where I am? It means so much to me. I want to hug you both so much! (And hopefully I can!)
We love you, Brittany. And we’re watching you. In a non-stalkerish kind of way.
<3 <3
I am absolutely content with you watching me.
I have a friend who found herself in this situation with a guy. They’d gone out a few times, he seemed nice. She’d met some of his friends and family, they seemed sane. She’d discussed desires, expectations, and limits with him. Nothing about him was setting off alarm bells. So she allowed herself to be naked, tied up, and alone with him, without having set up a safe call. He proceeded to barrel past one of her limits, and ignore her repeated use of her safeword. My friend got lucky. She was able to talk him into untying her so she could pee, and she grabbed her clothes and ran. But her story could easily have had a more tragic ending. Play safe, people.
CJ, thank you! Everyone should know your friend’s story. Thank goodness she got away, and thank you for telling it here.
Holy SHIT this gave me chills! It also made me realize how lucky I’ve been with some of my escapades. This is truly a horrifying story. I’m so glad your friend was able to get away. And you’re right. It could have been much worse.
Dating myself here, but in the days of bulletin board style chat certain posts could be made into “Stickies” that would appear at the top of each board and never scroll off over time and new posts. This should be a “stickie” and yes, the entendre of this is not lost on me.
I have always insisted that the submissive has all the power in the D/s dynamic. One word can end everything and NOW. That’s fucking power. Also, it takes a lot of effort, strength and resolve to completely let go, to be, allow others to do as their perverted whims feel. There is immense power in that surrender. And don’t even get me started on the whole “Its not true submission if there are safe words” bullshit.
A wonderful, important post.
Ha! You said, “stickie.”
Thank you, Scot. And you’re absolutely right. Surrender is power. I know that now.
I think you might have just written my exact situation…and thankfully, I’m going in to my first experience with a plan…and an agreed upon safeword. Every person who finds themselves to be a submissive should read this before their first encounter.
Good luck, Kayla! I hope your first experience is amazing and blows your pants off in a good way. Let us know how it goes! xoxo
Good luck, Kayla! And way to be smart about it. It’s so easy to think with parts other than our brains. Have fun and as CJ said, play safe!