“What do you want out of it?”
Heather and I were discussing the possibility of my first scene when I visit her next month when the question popped up. I couldn’t give her an answer, and the truth was that I really didn’t know. The query forced me to take a hard look at myself which can sometimes be as excruciating as a beatdown from a gang of hoodlums. Heather challenged me to don my waders and venture carefully into the treacherous swamp of my feelings which she knows is never an easy task for me.
What do I want? Do I want to see how I fare in the hands of a sadistic Top wielding a riding crop? Or perhaps the bite of leather as the flogger is thrown against my bare flesh? Of course that’s what I want, but that’s a surface desire. It’s superficial, and I knew there must be a deeper need. I just had to uncover it.
I thought about her question for days, not entirely sure where to look for the answer so I started with the obvious. I picked apart the different components of my personality, individually examining what each one needed. It was something I had already devoted a lot of time to as I became comfortable with my newfound identity that labeled me as a switch. This time I examined my dissected innards from a different angle, trying to determine what I was missing. I recognized that the submissive in me had the driving need to please, freely giving up control while my dominant side lay in wait, craving the rush from the return of that power. It was a delicate balance that required a steady flow of trust to remain healthy. And trust is something that doesn’t come easily to me.
Then I remembered a conversation I recently had with Master Cecil about trust. He said that he could determine the amount of trust by a hug. If a person relaxes into him completely, it’s unquestionable. Before leaving The Woodshed that night I gave him a hug, and I had to ask myself if he could feel my trust. Did I melt into him as Heather had the night of their amazing scene? I didn’t know. I’m guessing I tried but was unable to let go of the control I needed to feel safe. Don’t misunderstand, I trust Master Cecil. I just have a difficult time giving up complete control. Then it struck me. Surrendering absolute control outside of a sexual dynamic is what I long for. I desperately need to let the dominant facet of me slumber and not wonder when she’ll wake up rejuvenated, rallying for control.
I was pleased that I’d climbed inside of myself, digging through memories and feelings that are unpleasant and erratic without ending up on the floor curled into a fetal position. I know my inability to let go completely is a result of the crusty scab that formed over an old relationship that left me emotionally disfigured. When my high school boyfriend greedily took the power I gave him over me, he used it to cause me pain that I’ve never fully recovered from. I realize it’s time to let those wounds heal and take back all of the power I gave him. But in order to do so, I need to give every ounce of that power to someone else. Someone who will respect me and honor the gift of my submission. Someone who won’t abuse it and will return the power to me.
In light of my revelation, I had to ask myself another question. How will I react when I give up all control for the first time in ages? Will I be afraid? Will there be an outpouring of emotion as harbored anger is conjured up and released? Or will I end up a sobbing mess? Honestly, that is something that can’t be foretold. And because of that uncertainty, I refuse to scene with anyone, hard or soft, without the security of Heather close by. She is my safe haven. She knows my demons by name, and she knows how to exorcise them.
I don’t know if my first scene will be in North Carolina, or if it will happen close to home. The one thing I am certain of is that when it does happen, I’ll know exactly what I want to take away from it with no room for doubt. It feels good to be able to say that the answer came from within me, from pages of my life that haven’t been read in a long time. And knowing that I pieced it together on my own is incredibly satisfying. It’s reassurance that I’m growing as a person. It’s reassurance that I’m human.
But all of this is so hard!
I applaud you for thinking it through in this way… work like this is difficult stuff, particularly when you realize there’s no tangible proof of a “solution.” This requires a lot of self-trust and risk that most people aren’t ready to engage in. (who, me?)
I wonder though, about this: “I desperately need to let the dominant facet of me slumber and not wonder when she’ll wake up rejuvenated, rallying for control.”
Do you think that part of you will slumber? Or is it an issue of negotiating her when she stirs? Do you have a plan for how you might handle it *if* she starts to wake?
Not as if I’d have any answers, but I’m curious to see if you might.
D, did you stomp your foot when you said that?
I’m still flailing, but you have certainly given me more to think about. I had the idea that when I give up complete control that she won’t wake because it will be what I need. Now though, I’m wondering if I need a back-up plan.
I really like to overthink things, but I must admit that I shy away from doing it with purpose or focus like you have done in this post.
I am with you on total control – it is a desire, but is it actually possible to do? And in a one-off? I don’t know. Also, as long as I am asking questions, once you go there, will you ever want to do it again?
Nice post.
PS – I just noticed the upper right hand note that all content is fiction unless otherwise noted. Is this that? It is good if it is, but inquisitive curious minds like to know.
Hi, Kitty: Thanks for reading. In this case, Nikki spilled her guts in their entirety regarding this topic. What you see here is really what she’s working on at the moment. We have some flash fiction here and there, and you’ll be able to find those fiction pieces easily. Nikki and I speak our truth. Er…write our truth. Yup, this lunacy is our own.
it will come when the time is right and with the right person. they always say the the time is here and now but those 2 things intersect every second, choosing your time and when is yours.