RSS Feed

May, 2013

  1. A Different Kind of Collar

    May 24, 2013 by Heather Cole

    I’ve written before that I take my Master/slave contract seriously, and I probably considered it more thoroughly than I ever did my marriage certificate or vows. I thought that the contract was the biggest step and that a collar would be the icing on the cake. We had signed our contract weeks ago, and although collars had been discussed, sir hadn’t made any decisions.

    He offered me the silver pocket of fabric wrapped in a white, satin ribbon, after a particularly long session of anal sex. We were both sweaty and covered in bodily fluids. I felt a wide grin spreading across my face as I opened the present. I knelt on the floor in front of him, my clothes hanging off me in sweaty abandon. A round, blue box was revealed and inside was a ring. It was composed of a wide, polished band of silver with a silver bead in the middle, pierced by a silver ring. Sir gave me a Ring of O for my birthday.

    Sir told me I could wear it on any finger that fit, but he said that his preference was my left hand. The position of the ring felt significant, and even though he didn’t say it out loud, I knew he thought so too. I stared at the silver on my hand, letting the weight of it sink into me. The last thing I had worn on my left hand had been my wedding rings. I could feel something welling up inside me, but I tried to ignore it. I was ecstatic–overflowing with joy. And I felt the echo of something else… a warning.

    The ring was bait in a trap. And the echo of warning was a reminder of what I had sacrificed years ago for a different ring from a different man. Everything felt like a jumble, but I took a deep breath and reminded myself that all my safeties were in place. I had a safeword and a contract, and my voice and my strength. I wasn’t a victim this time, and sir wasn’t here to hold me back or try to make me into a different person. If anything, our dynamic was setting us free to do amazing things together. Things we had been fantasizing about and hoping for.

    As I stared at the ring, I realized that I also had something to lose. Frankly, I had something to lose since sir and I met for our first scene. Our relationship, my feelings for him…all of it had been building since our first email exchange. The ring seemed to solidify all these feelings, bringing them home in a way that I had been avoiding. I expected sir to be the one that had commitment jitters, not me.

    Sir herded me upstairs with the promise of a shower. I gently washed his body as he talked, my tension draining away under the hot, staccato spray. There were no emotional walls between us, and when I wound my arms around his neck, I whispered how grateful I was that he had found me. There was no relationship that would guarantee me a perfect happy ending, and I would be the biggest fool if I stayed on the sidelines because I was too afraid to try.

    I would have absorbed him into my body in that moment, merged our spirits in the same way that our bodies fit together. Water droplets clung to his eyelashes as I stared up at him, and he said, “I will protect you and take care of you.”

    “And I’ll do the same for you,” I said.

    I saw his intentions for us in this silver band, his commitment to me and to our future. We called it “our game” but its meaning was more akin to “our life.” A life together. He gently moved my body so that I was leaning against the back of the shower. I thought of more things I could say, more promises I could give, but my words were lost the moment his mouth touched my clit. I lovingly memorized the path of his spine to the curve of his ass as pleasure spiraled through me. I had time, I told myself. Time to tell him everything.


  2. Judge Heather

    May 15, 2013 by Heather Cole

    I tend not to write publicly about my breakups. Instead I retreat inside myself to analyze and ponder and nurse my wounds. Being a blogger means that pieces of my life experience are on display for complete strangers to examine, but I try to choose carefully what I reveal. As much as I want to hold your attention, my darlings, I want to protect the people who are intimately involved with me. I also want to shield my bruised heart.

    I’ve been learning some hard lessons lately, one of them being about criticism and judgment. OK, that’s two things, but you can see how they’re related. I’d like to point a finger and write about how I’ve been judged by my nearest and dearest, but really, I’m guilty of this exact thing.

    Boy Scout and I parted ways amicably. We both knew it was coming, and ironically, we had one of our best conversations the night we decided to be just friends. For the first time in our short relationship, we communicated exactly what we felt. We shared our thoughts freely. It was liberating, and at the same time, sad that it took the end of our romance to really begin communicating well. I even tweeted that it was the best breakup ever, because I felt like we were starting a new chapter to be better friends. Boy Scout was looking for a new submissive and who better to give advice than his old submissive? No, don’t answer that.

    It wasn’t until a week or so later that I caught myself saying something critical about the new slave that Boy Scout was considering. He had shared a few things that they were doing, and I called Nikki to bitch about the girl. I was being catty, and I knew it. My belief about BDSM being a unique journey for everyone seemed to fly out the window as soon as Boy Scout started discussing one of his new partners. I observed my mouth and tongue forming the nasty words, but I didn’t stop judging.

    It wasn’t until LH asked me point blank if I was jealous that I actually took stock of my feelings. It wasn’t jealousy. The tasks that Boy Scout was giving her wouldn’t have satisfied me. I didn’t envy her sitting in a restaurant with her panties stuffed in her mouth. The mouthful of silk would have irritated me, not inspired my juices to flow. No, the problem was my damn ego.

    I’m better than her, a voice whispered in the back of my mind.

    The dark side of my competitive spirit was to use criticism and judgment to make someone else, the person who “took” my place, appear less. I was being petty and mean. I didn’t know Boy Scout’s slave at all, and it was none of my business how they conducted themselves. Everyone was consenting in their power exchange which was the most crucial element. As for the rest, I just needed to shut the fuck up about it. I was breaking all my personal rules about respecting others’ relationships even if I didn’t understand them, and I felt embarrassed. And yes, I was ashamed of my behavior.

    As it is with the synchronicity of the universe, it was soon my turn to be scrutinized, and the biggest criticisms were coming from some of the people I cared about the most. In a fringe community like BDSM, I’m always surprised that we can be so judgemental of one another. Just as I judged Boy Scout and his new slave, people were critiquing my new M/s dynamic with LH. The real punch-in-the-emotional-gut part was that there was some truth in their judgement, and that’s what I’ve been looking at in the darkness of my breakup cave. I had a mirror held in front of me, and I could see the parts where I truly failed. I got so caught up trying to defend myself against all the criticism flying around that I didn’t see the heart of the problem until it was too late. I was so busy trying to meet others’ expectations that I neglected to voice that my own needs were being trampled or disregarded. It was a colossal breakdown on all sides.

    I have learned the hard way that compassion defeats judgement. And when we’re trying something new, like a new relationship or a better way of communicating, there are going to be times where we stumble and fall flat on our faces. Boy Scout and his new slave have every right to figure out their new relationship and create it in ways that suit their unique needs. They’re going to have hiccups and challenges and fights, but it’s not my place to referee that or comment. I have a new found compassion for the beginning stages of consideration; I have a new perspective and empathy for those of us living the M/s dynamic in general. Because we’re not born experts. We try, we fuck up, and we get up and try again. Hopefully we do it better the next time.


  3. I want to see you cry

    May 7, 2013 by Heather Cole

    My head wasn’t in our game, and I didn’t have a lot to say. I felt like I was waiting for something, perhaps an idea that would set free the heavy weight of emotion that sat in my chest. Or a word from sir that would unlock the chains I had wrapped around the unfamiliar sadness. I was grappling to understand the source of my upset, and even though I knew that I needed to concentrate on our game, I was stuck.

    We began on my bed, missionary position, and I suggested that he take off his button down shirt. The shirt was stiff, a barrier, and I needed skin on skin. I lay on top of the quilt, my naked body sprawled over the precise squares of blue and red, waiting for him to disrobe. When he returned, though, the tone of the game had changed. His expression was serious, the smile gone from his eyes. Resolute was the word that came to my mind, and I knew we would be exploring new territory between us. The thought made me nervous.

    He grabbed my left breast first, one large hand forming it into a fleshy mound. His other hand drew back and slapped my nipple. The pain made me gasp. It was sharp and immediate, and I barely had time to prepare for the next slap. I struggled to cope with the pain and maintain my position. My nipples were on fire as the edge of his hand dragged forward and backward over my sensitive skin. Breast torture wasn’t new to me, but sir’s intense focus on hurting me was.

    I intuited that he was thinking about slapping my face, but I hadn’t convinced myself that he would actually do it. I assumed he played like this with his other partner, but we had never specifically discussed it. Part of me was still shocked that he would want to slap me. It’s an ingrained premise that we don’t hit the ones we love which was why my brain stumbled over the thought. I had always wondered what a face slap would feel like but never had the experience.

    I almost didn’t see it coming, his open palm hitting the fleshy part of my left cheek and the backhand catching my right cheekbone and nose. It hurt more than I had imagined, the pain bright and stinging, and I saw stars for a moment. Tears welled in the corners of my eyes. I wouldn’t meet sir’s gaze as I tried to marshall my breathing.

    “Are you afraid of me?” he asked as his cock plunged into me.

    “Yes, sir.”

    For the first time I was. Not in a way that made me fear for my well-being, because I could always say “red.” I could use my safeword and the scene would halt, and I would be swept into sir’s arms for comfort. But I wasn’t ready for comfort. I loved the feeling of anticipation of the next slap while fearing it at the same time. I winced instinctively as he drew back his hand, but there was no way I wanted our scene to end prematurely. Whatever was happening in this moment between us was working loose the vice-like grip I had on my emotions, and I wanted to ride this out for the fulfillment of us both.

    When I could meet his eyes again, our game had shifted but it was because of me this time. My engaging, willful self went into the background to be replaced by my slave self. My slave self is calm like the eye of a storm, watchful and enduring. She welcomes suffering and submits over and over again. I wouldn’t describe myself as passive when I’m in this place of deep submission, but I’m less verbal and more watchful.

    Sir grabbed my face, keeping eye contact. “I want to see you cry.” He slapped me again, and I did exactly as he commanded. “Now you feel like my slave.”

    I remained silent until I asked permission to come, but even my orgasm was a quiet one. Finally sir pronounced himself finished even though he was still hard. I let him roll me onto my side, and his arms came around me.

    It took me awhile to come back to myself. Sir held me and murmured soothing words. He described the change in me when I mentally stopped struggling to comprehend the fact that he wanted to slap me and merely endured his attentions instead. Through our conversation I gradually resumed my usual persona. I agreed that our experience had been amazing, and I reassured him that the slapping had been a great experience. Because believe it or not, even sadists need reassurance that they’re not terrible people for wanting to hurt you. The intensity of our interactions had ushered me into the deepest part of my submission, and even though I enjoyed playing in the deep waters, it took me awhile to disentangle myself from the murky depths.

    Something emotional had shaken loose during our scene. The sadness that I had felt before was now in full bloom. Its exact definition and cause were still vague, but I could now embrace it. It rapidly became clear to me that the chains I had weighing down my emotional morass were now in pieces, and I was feeling it. ALL of it.

    “You seem so sad,” he said when he kissed me goodbye.

    “I am, but I don’t know why yet.”

    “Please tell me when you do. I want to talk about it,” he said.

    “We will,” I promised.

    I always try to keep my promises.

     


  4. Slave Hunt

    May 4, 2013 by Heather Cole

    slave hunt

    I was naked, my wrists encircled by thick leather cuffs and tied high above my head with rope. The sun was hazy behind the clouds, and a slight breeze caressed my naked breasts. I could see stretches of bare skin beside me, another naked woman tethered to the same wooden post. She shrieked as she shied away from her tormentors, and I glimpsed a modified cattle prod skim her upper thigh. I made a mental note to include cattle prods on my list of hard limits at next year’s Slave Hunt.

    There were a dozen of us tied to whipping posts, our hard limits printed on white cards above our heads. Mine read: no penetration, no food, no glitter, no Wanderella’s diamond plated broadsword (which was a moot point, because Wanderella had a heavy duty rubber paddle the size of my torso instead.) Everything else was encouraged, but I wasn’t afraid for my safety. LH would be with me most of the time at the post, and my girlfriend was there too. Plus I had the safeword “asparagus” that would halt everything if I became overwhelmed. No, I didn’t pick it.

    The beauty of the slave hunt was that it was the closest I could get to being hunted and captured without being in any real danger. Bounties were offered by the submissives, we were turned loose into the woods, and sadists with paintball guns hunted us. It didn’t matter that I had signed a waiver, declared my hard limits and wore a paintball mask for safety reasons. My survival instincts kicked in hard when the air gun signaled an end to our lead time. The feeling is primordial–fight or flight. Adrenaline shot through my veins and I ran.

    The hunting ground was a small section of woods on a private property, and there were few places to hide. My sneakers made little noise against the thick layer of pine tags, but my breathing was hot and loud inside the mask. I had a moment right before we were signaled to run, a feeling of crystalline awareness of internal preparation. I was readying myself, and despite the jitters I experienced on the surface, my body was preparing physically and mentally for subspace. Whether it had been conscious on our parts or not, LH had been training me for this hunt. Every scene we had gave me more experience, and as he tested my limits, he gave me the skills to go deeper and adapt better. It was our first public outing as Master and slave, and I wanted to make him proud. More importantly, I wanted to prove to myself that “pain slut” wasn’t just another pretty title.

    I had no intention of winning my heat. I wanted to avoid a paintball welt by surrendering, happily giving up my cinnamon rolls to my captor (not a euphemism). My real goal was the whipping post and the strangers that wanted to torture me. Anyone could touch me as long as they honored my limits. My true challenge was whether or not I could manage the pain they were eager to inflict.

    LH began my warmup at the post with his flogger. The rhythmic thud of the leather against my back lured my brain into silence and pushed me into the quiet place where I go in a scene. When Angel stood beside me, one of the post monitors, I barely registered her request to play with me. Her crop smacked my thighs as she smiled up at me. I think she said I was pretty right before her teeth sank into my left breast. I exhaled loudly through my nose, and I had a second to adjust before she let go and grabbed my nipple between her teeth. The exquisite pain of teeth cutting into me stole all coherent thought. I moved with her as she pulled to the left until I felt another set of teeth fasten on my ear. I was suspended on a gossamer thread of pain, rendered immobile.

    “Why aren’t you moving?” Angel demanded.

    “Because I have her ear.” The voice was a deep rumble behind me.

    She looked at me and grinned. “What do you want to lose–your ear or your nipple?”

    “You mean I have a choice?” I asked.

    The sadists laughed, releasing me, and I forced myself to breathe and move back into position. Pain lanced through my abused ear and nipple, but I refused to take stock of any injuries. This was just the beginning. The air held a carnival-like feeling, and a crowd of people surrounded the posts, talking and heckling. I had forty-five minutes to endure before the next heat was bagged and brought into camp. I permitted myself to scan the crowd to find my girlfriend, and she smiled at me in encouragement. I could do this.

    The man who grabbed my ear, Kuma, struck me with a rod that came from a set of Venetian blinds. I didn’t know that’s what it was until later. Caning, regardless of the material, can offer a sharp, cutting pain depending on how it’s applied. It can steal your breath and deliver a pain so sharp that you’re jerked to the surface like a trout from the water. I tried not to anticipate the strike, which would lead to fear and cause me to lose subspace, but focused instead on my body’s reaction. My mantra was “accept the pain and disperse it.” Kuma’s voice was low and soothing as he hit me, and he asked LH if I normally “dropped” this fast. For a second I was confused, but then I realized he was referring to the fact that I was already in subspace. I was in the zone. There were shrieks all around me, but I couldn’t watch anyone for long because a different man began florentine flogging me.

    I had been introduced to him earlier in the afternoon. He had an open smile and a leather duffel bag overflowing with floggers, canes and other toys of torment. He had a beautiful whip that he showed me, and watching his hands caress the tan hide made me think decidedly explicit thoughts about other things those hands could do. When he asked to play with me at the post, I practically orgasmed on the spot. It was my first florentine experience, but really, that man could use anything on me and I’d be thrilled.

    “Wow. You can take that?” he asked after hitting me with a silicon rod sporting a glittery rainbow core.

    I didn’t turn to look over my shoulder at him, trusting LH to gauge my reactions. When LH said, “yes she can” there was another blow to my ass. And another.

    At one point he and LH both had floggers and were hitting me at the same time, and I had the stray thought that it had become a fun competition. Who could hit Heather the hardest? I rocked forward on the balls of my feet from the combined impact, and I did a mental scan of my body. Nothing hurt too much, but I could feel the heat radiating from my abraded skin. LH’s hand came to rest at the base of my neck as his other hand moved between my thighs. His fingers rubbed tight circles over my clit until I was gasping, begging him to let me come. I leaned into him and let the orgasm take me, my mind and body overwhelmed by sensation.

    Eventually LH gave me over to my girlfriend, because he wanted to check on his play partner. It was a relief to hear Liri’s voice in my ear when she told me what a good girl I was. I wasn’t screaming or protesting. When I saw the grin on her face, though, I knew it wasn’t over. “I can’t believe they’re neglecting your tits,” she said.

    That woman slaps tits harder than any dude I know.

    After I was taken down from the post, I floated high on endorphins and the pleasure of a job well done. Eventually I found clothes, and LH and I delivered my cinnamon rolls and chocolate chip cookies to the sadist who captured me. He sent me the nicest thank you note:

    “It was quite nice slinging a real woman over my shoulder and carrying her up the hill. The cinnamon rolls are beyond fucking amazing. Like mouth watering bliss in a sticky cinnamon bun. Amazing skills right there. Thank you so very much for such a treat.”

    The entire day was a treat–a glorious day of firsts. I participated in my first hunt. I had my first public scene with new players, and we attended our first community event as Master and slave. I’m sure it must seem odd to some people that I would derive such pleasure from public submission and pain. I couldn’t tell you why that works for me, but I’m pleased as punch no matter how you slice it. I’m a pain slut, y’all. It’s what we do.