I tend not to write publicly about my breakups. Instead I retreat inside myself to analyze and ponder and nurse my wounds. Being a blogger means that pieces of my life experience are on display for complete strangers to examine, but I try to choose carefully what I reveal. As much as I want to hold your attention, my darlings, I want to protect the people who are intimately involved with me. I also want to shield my bruised heart.
I’ve been learning some hard lessons lately, one of them being about criticism and judgment. OK, that’s two things, but you can see how they’re related. I’d like to point a finger and write about how I’ve been judged by my nearest and dearest, but really, I’m guilty of this exact thing.
Boy Scout and I parted ways amicably. We both knew it was coming, and ironically, we had one of our best conversations the night we decided to be just friends. For the first time in our short relationship, we communicated exactly what we felt. We shared our thoughts freely. It was liberating, and at the same time, sad that it took the end of our romance to really begin communicating well. I even tweeted that it was the best breakup ever, because I felt like we were starting a new chapter to be better friends. Boy Scout was looking for a new submissive and who better to give advice than his old submissive? No, don’t answer that.
It wasn’t until a week or so later that I caught myself saying something critical about the new slave that Boy Scout was considering. He had shared a few things that they were doing, and I called Nikki to bitch about the girl. I was being catty, and I knew it. My belief about BDSM being a unique journey for everyone seemed to fly out the window as soon as Boy Scout started discussing one of his new partners. I observed my mouth and tongue forming the nasty words, but I didn’t stop judging.
It wasn’t until LH asked me point blank if I was jealous that I actually took stock of my feelings. It wasn’t jealousy. The tasks that Boy Scout was giving her wouldn’t have satisfied me. I didn’t envy her sitting in a restaurant with her panties stuffed in her mouth. The mouthful of silk would have irritated me, not inspired my juices to flow. No, the problem was my damn ego.
I’m better than her, a voice whispered in the back of my mind.
The dark side of my competitive spirit was to use criticism and judgment to make someone else, the person who “took” my place, appear less. I was being petty and mean. I didn’t know Boy Scout’s slave at all, and it was none of my business how they conducted themselves. Everyone was consenting in their power exchange which was the most crucial element. As for the rest, I just needed to shut the fuck up about it. I was breaking all my personal rules about respecting others’ relationships even if I didn’t understand them, and I felt embarrassed. And yes, I was ashamed of my behavior.
As it is with the synchronicity of the universe, it was soon my turn to be scrutinized, and the biggest criticisms were coming from some of the people I cared about the most. In a fringe community like BDSM, I’m always surprised that we can be so judgemental of one another. Just as I judged Boy Scout and his new slave, people were critiquing my new M/s dynamic with LH. The real punch-in-the-emotional-gut part was that there was some truth in their judgement, and that’s what I’ve been looking at in the darkness of my breakup cave. I had a mirror held in front of me, and I could see the parts where I truly failed. I got so caught up trying to defend myself against all the criticism flying around that I didn’t see the heart of the problem until it was too late. I was so busy trying to meet others’ expectations that I neglected to voice that my own needs were being trampled or disregarded. It was a colossal breakdown on all sides.
I have learned the hard way that compassion defeats judgement. And when we’re trying something new, like a new relationship or a better way of communicating, there are going to be times where we stumble and fall flat on our faces. Boy Scout and his new slave have every right to figure out their new relationship and create it in ways that suit their unique needs. They’re going to have hiccups and challenges and fights, but it’s not my place to referee that or comment. I have a new found compassion for the beginning stages of consideration; I have a new perspective and empathy for those of us living the M/s dynamic in general. Because we’re not born experts. We try, we fuck up, and we get up and try again. Hopefully we do it better the next time.
This is very interesting because I felt a lot of the same when I found out my ex wife was dating someone else and I met the guy for the first time picking up my son from their place. The strange part was not that I was jealous of him, I mean, what was to be jealous of? His missing teeth? His double wide trailer?
No, I found myself getting bitter towards her because apparently now she was some domestic goddess, cooking all the meals and watching the kids and driving to work – shit she never did when we were together. I was genuinely pissed off that I was with her for 15 years and I was the one that had to watch our son, I had to cook because she still sucked at it, and I was the taxi driver because at the time we divorced, she was 34 years old and still had her learners permit and refused to operate a car because she was scared.
Now, three months after moving in with this guy she’s Wonder Woman?
It irked me because I was with A at the time (and to be honest with you, we were picking my son up 3 days after we had gotten married) so it really shouldn’t have been anything to get mad about. A is a wonderful woman, she’s responsible and mature beyond her years, everything X wasn’t. Why was I upset? Because I had that twinge… That feeling that even though I took the best care of X that I could, she was just fine without me. I had no problem moving on after we split, I needed to or else I would have gone insane. But to see her tout her accomplishments since we left, that stung.
As it turns out, X has always and continues to be X, a human peacock. When no one is looking, she’s just a normal person who see things her way, but when eyes are on her, she opens her feathers and shows off how majestic she is, never realizing that her quills are nothing more than a pretty display and nice to look at, but you’re still a bird. She’s the same person she always has been. All her new found abilities? Just like the feathers, it was just something to distract the eyes.
Jaye – Thanks for your comment! You have some great insight into X and your reactions. I’ve been thinking about my own “twinges.” And what I’m most upset about is that I was so concerned with making others feel OK with my new relationship that I didn’t stand up for myself. I wasn’t assertive or advocating for my needs or pointing out that the issue wasn’t what I was doing with this *other* person. I’ve been mad at myself for being a doormat, and I acted out by projecting my shit on poor Boy Scout and his new slave.
But I totally understand about an ex moving on and being amazing for the next person. Boy Scout wasn’t the right Dom for me, but he’s perfect for the next girl. You’re right… there’s a twinge in there too. Maybe you’ll be feeling compassion for X’s new guy when the peacock starts pecking. Trust me, I’m a farm girl. Peacocks can be ill-tempered beasts. xoxo
Helloooooooooo darling!!!!
How are you doing? I’m sorry to read that you have broken up with that fella, hope you are ok. I;m sure there’s a long line of handsome beaus just waiting to meet you.
I’m writing to let you know that I’m feeling much better and will start blogging again fairly soon. Hubert’s writing career is taking off and his new play is getting rave reviews, well one rather good one. He sends his love and will be in touch with all his news.
Hope you and Nikki are rocking and raving and hope to speak soon.
hugs
Clamidia xx
DARLING! How are you?? Thank you for the sweet words. I can’t wait to see you out and about in the virtual world! Give Hubert my very best and HUGE congrats on his play. That’s amazing!! xoxoxo ~Heather