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September, 2013

  1. Friday Links (with some penis twerking)

    September 20, 2013 by Heather Cole

    It’s raining here at Vagina HQ, not quite the auspicious start I wanted for the weekend. But it’s all the more reason to stay inside and check out our weekly findings around the web. I tried to come up with a unifying theme to describe Friday’s links, and all I could think of was “PENIS AND VAGINA.” That about covers it, so enjoy yourselves.

    And for the record, I did really tell Nikki that I was “da bomb.” In fact, I said it twice. It makes her eye twitch.

     

    Heather’s finds:

    Just what the heck is polyamory? You and my mama can discuss. I’ll send cookies. Y’all can blame Zen for sending me the link, because he’s dating TWO Heathers.

    Sir warned me that I would spend too much time getting this girl to deep throat perfectly. He did not lie. Dammit! Stop choking already, anime girl!

    Do you have the courage to “Be Beautiful” for 30 days? This woman did.

    “Lick the pole, handsome boy! LICK IT!” Um, only watch this video if a.) you love men in briefs with super fine bodies or b.) like watching penises flop around during a twerking dance-off. Because who doesn’t love a flopping penis in brightly colored undies?!

         I’ll never forgive you for making me watch that.

         Pfft. You’ll forgive me because I’m *da bomb*. Yeah, I said it.

     

    Nikki’s faves:

    You get a squirt! You get a squirt! EVERYBODY gets a squirt! But probably not. – Squirting: Why It May Never Happen to You

    Fun Vagina Facts – I read this article under the assumption it would be fun, because you know, it has “fun” in the title. It wasn’t fun, and I didn’t laugh even once. Mostly what I wanted to do was pussy punch the dude who wrote it. Maybe it’s because my vagina is nearing its “spew forth” time. Or maybe it’s because he’s a douchebag. It’s a toss-up.

    Everything is Samuel L. Jackson’s Fault – Best motherfucking role model EVER.


  2. The Missing Tea Strainer or Kink in the Afternoon

    September 18, 2013 by Heather Cole

    Master had been specific in his instructions, and he had relayed them carefully to Miss so that every detail could be satisfied. As with all his tasks he wanted her to succeed, but she also knew that any failure on her part would be met with swift correction. Those were never good days. Stifling a shiver, Miss hurried down the main stairs, one hand trailing the polished mahogany banister. Her slippers were almost silent against the thick Persian rug. The closer she came to the kitchen, the stiffer her posture grew. By the time she faced the others, she no longer resembled her master’s companion that occupied the upstairs.

    Miss stalked along the line of domestic staff as they stood in readiness for afternoon tea. The master of the house had expressed a desire to take his tea by the lake, and his staff had scurried to rearrange the repast from indoors to out. Miss was responsible for coordinating them all, and she tugged at their skirts to make certain they hung properly. She pinched the tender sides of underarms to make certain they paid attention and fired questions in rapid succession, expecting a nod of agreement before she had finished the sentence. Her attitude was one of military precision, and the intensity of her inspection made the scullery maid devote some thought to fainting.

    “You need a hat, Marguerite, or the sunset will turn your complexion ruddy,” Miss scolded. “Master dislikes his girls looking like farmhands. You have the cello, I see. You’re going to play Bach’s concertos, yes?”

    “Yes, Miss,” Marguerite replied with a curtsy.

    “And you have a stool to sit upon?” Miss thrust a straw hat into Marguerite’s hand and gave her a pointed glance.

    “Yes, Miss. But I’ll need help carrying it all out to the lake. It’s difficult managing the cello and bow in addition to the stool.”

    Cold blue eyes stared at Marguerite as a silence grew between them. Miss stared at the girl as if she had never before in her life encountered such a bold specimen. Embarrassment stained Marguerite’s cheeks a deep red, and finally she dropped her eyes to the floor in defeat. She should have known better than to mention it and risk Miss’s temper.

    “I’ll… I’ll somehow manage it,” Marguerite stammered.

    “Of course you will,” Miss replied and briskly rubbed her hands together as if she were dusting off a bug.

    Next in line was the scullery maid, and Miss surmised from the woman’s quivering body that something had gone amiss. “Did you assemble everything as instructed?” she asked.

    “Yes, Miss,” the scullery maid said. “I have the tea service and the linens, the hot water and the tea, of course.”

    “Excellent. Then we’re ready to adjourn to the lake?”

    “Well, there’s a slight problem.” The scullery maid’s eyes squeezed shut, and Miss heard her inhale deeply. “I can’t find the tea strainer.” Out came the girl’s breath in a rush.

    “What do you mean you can’t find it? We use the damn thing every day. How on earth could you lose it?”

    “I don’t know, Miss. I swear I don’t. Yesterday I washed it and put it away in the cupboard just as I do every day.” She wrung her hands. “I swear, Miss. I’ve searched the kitchen top to bottom.”

    The expression on Miss’s face could only be described as a gathering of thunderclouds, but when she spoke, her tone was low and quiet. Her hand lashed out like a snake to grab a fistful of the scullery maid’s auburn locks, and she yanked the maid’s head back to expose her throat. Whimpering, the maid clutched at Miss’s skirt with frantic fingers.

    “Now see here, girl. You are going to find that tea strainer in the next ten minutes or Master won’t be able to have his tea. If he can’t have his tea, he will take it out of my hide. Your failure becomes my failure. And the tender skin of my backside is worth more than you’ll ever earn in your worthless life. Mark my words, girl, if I must bear the lashes for your mistake, I will deliver them to you with none of Master’s restraint or benevolence. Do I make myself absolutely clear?”

    The maid was crying now, great sobs wracking her chest.

    “Don’t waste our time with tears. Go find the strainer.” Miss released her, and the maid staggered. Clutching a handkerchief to her red nose, the scullery maid dashed out of the room.

    Miss sighed loudly and threw up her hands in disgust. “I swear, Marguerite, even if she finds the stupid thing, I may still string her up as an example. I can’t have you girls thinking that this sort of thing is acceptable.”

    “No, Miss,” Marguerite murmured.

    Thank goodness she only had to play the cello.

    afternoon tea aged


  3. TGIFL aka Thank Goodness It’s Friday Links

    September 6, 2013 by Heather Cole

    ‘Tis the season of back to school, and I’ve had schoolgirl uniforms and rulers on the brain. Thanks to Michael at Blossom and Thorn, I have some sexy images that are fueling my preoccupation. As he said in the comments, I’m already on the principle’s naughty list. It’s an art form, people. <bows> Speaking of school, guess where this 1950’s “game” came from… a grade school textbook! Which just makes me think that my grandparents’ single beds were pure subterfuge. And wow… grandparents having sex… MOVING ON NOW…

     

    Heather’s Picks:

    I promised myself I wouldn’t comment on the Miley/Beetlejuice incident, but I have to . I mean, it’s Kirk and his few facial expressions. DON’T TRY TO RESIST THE KIRK!

    Pandas are smokin’ the ropes. Don’t tell my mother!

    The bullies of Goodreads are getting a lot of attention lately. I hope it incites a policy change, because bullying is unacceptable under any circumstances. There is a canyon-sized difference between giving constructive criticism based on reading someone’s work and trashing it just because you can.

    Nikki’s faves:

    Teaching Good Sex – Every high school needs this teacher.

    Wait, men fake orgasms? – I don’t get this because if it’s not messy, somebody’s got some ‘splainin’ to do.

    Alyssa Milano’s Educational Sex Tape – The only thing I learned from this is a man wearing a shortie robe is never okay.

    Shades of Grey 23 Funniest Quotes – If I ever compare orgasms to the spin cycle on a washing machine, bitchslap me, please.

    Get F*cked – “The world will be a better place when more men take it up the ass.” I can’t love this hard enough. And oddly, I feel like singing.

    Happy Friday, y’all!

    *boob smoosh*

    ~Heather

     


  4. We Play Well with Others

    September 4, 2013 by Heather Cole

    Last Saturday was another first for LH and me. Although we had both attended play parties held by local kinksters, we had never gone to one as Master and Slave. Armed with buffalo chicken dip, raw veggies and a 30 lb toy bag, we headed over to the beautiful home of a kinky couple. The RSVP list featured 100 people at least, and I was a bundle of butterflies with thoughts of meeting new folks and having a public scene with sir.

    Once I plunked down the food, I was relieved to see familiar faces in the crowd. LH and I said hello to the people we knew, and I introduced myself to the hostess. In some ways, the play party looked like any other kind of party except there were naked people and others in fetish wear or lingerie. There was the usual party chitchat and sometimes a spontaneous spanking. As we walked through the house, we were able to peek at other scenes. I saw a Domme with her submissive in a sex swing, and I was a voyeur at a double-penetration scene. One of my favorite things to watch was needle practice for a future demonstration. The submissive stood with her back against a St Andrews cross as needles were inserted in a neat row down the side of her torso. I got goosebumps watching them. I found needles equally captivating and terrifying which is why I preferred to be the observer. Another turn around the room and LH was inspired to play. And to my surprise he brought reinforcements.

    LH chose an upstairs bedroom decorated in shades of pink, but any thoughts of cupcakes were banished by the large metal tripod erected in the middle of the room. A steel bar hung at the top, and he instructed that I strip as he pulled out my leather cuffs. I watched him and my co-Top of the evening, Kuma, begin pulling out their toys. I didn’t have the opportunity to see much, because LH slid the blindfold over my eyes. My hands moved automatically to grip the cold steel bar, and my awareness became focused only on the things I could hear and feel. Kuma asked what my limits were, and I couldn’t hear LH’s response. My nerves got the better of me and I blurted out, “no punching please.”

    “And let’s keep her face pretty.”

    It was a joke that LH liked to make, and we all laughed, but I couldn’t stop a flare of anxiety. My master would keep me safe, but he was also the one who enjoyed hurting me the most. The tension between my trust and my nervousness strung through my body, my muscles quivering from the strain. There was a soft shushing noise, and I felt the keen edge of a knife arc across my back. A second knife traced the line of my breasts, twisting its way to my nipples as I stood completely still. I was afraid to breathe as the blades danced against my skin. I was caught between laughter and fear, and then a knife found its way to my mons. I stopped breathing altogether as I felt metal scrape near my clit. “Maybe I’ll give you that trim you’ve been asking for,” he murmured.

    The knives disappeared, and the first blow was a hand to my ass. I jerked with surprise, making the metal jingle on my cuffs.The bare-handed spanking rapidly crescendoed until my ass was burning hot, and finally I couldn’t hold still any more. I shifted to the side to make the next hit glance to the side and sighed with relief when it stopped. There was no respite, because the fronts of my thighs were then hit with something small, round and hard. At the same time, LH’s rattan cane reacquainted itself with my ass. I could recognize the feel of that damn thing anywhere. Both men hit me repeatedly, and I was caught like a butterfly in a net. Finally LH leaned close to my ear and gave me permission. “You can dance,” he said.

    No sooner had he said the words, but I picked up my feet. I squealed and turned, trying to find relief from the beating. Suddenly warm hands grasped my nipples, and I went completely still. Chest heaving, I shook my head although I didn’t speak a word. Nipple torture was a favorite for LH, and mine were highly sensitive. I was going to have a strong reaction, and I dreaded it as much as I anticipated it. When I played in public, I tried to reign in my deeper emotions. In other words, I tried to keep my shit together for the most part, keeping the play light and fun. Nipple torture, however, managed to break through any safety walls I might have had in place. My reactions were visceral and immediate, and although I offered my breasts willingly, I also braced myself for the emotions that would bubble to the surface. I felt the familiar pressure of clover clamps, and tears leaked from under the blindfold. The worst pain wasn’t the clamping itself, it was the pain after my nipples were released. Kuma asked if I was done, but LH said I only needed a moment to regroup.

    He was right. The heavy weight of LH’s arm snaked around me as his hand found my clit. With a few expert turns of his fingers I orgasmed, my nose buried into the crook of his neck. “You’re my good girl,” he said. My heart soared at the praise, and as the golden undulations of my orgasm faded, I knew that I wanted to continue, to please sir as much as myself.

    The next round of blows came from a heavy-duty rubber crepe turner and a leather paddle. The individual strikes blurred together as the pain built. The intensity was overwhelming, and then I heard LH exclaim with surprise. My weight dragged against the restraints as I tried to catch my breath, and the most excruciating pain lanced through my nipple. The pain felt piercing like a needle, but I knew that LH wouldn’t attempt such a thing during an impact scene. A sob was ripped from my throat before my mind could process what was happening.

    “It’s ok,” LH murmured, catching my body against his. “We’ve had an intense week.”

    He was right. My dog had been put to sleep, and my ex-husband had revealed his marriage plans. I had every right to sob my fucking guts out. And I did. Kuma eventually took LH’s place, his deep voice a comfort in my ear. He then left to get me some water and LH decided it was a good time to end. He unhooked my cuffs and wiped the tears from my cheeks as I began to gather myself.

    The release of intense emotion I experienced was an echo of my week. Our scene gave me the opportunity to focus solely on physical sensation, the pain disintegrating the leash I kept on my feelings. In my day-to-day life, I had to stay level-headed and positive for my child and work. But for this one sliver of time, I gave up control of my body and did the same for my emotions. I didn’t know how it would all play out, but I trusted the Dominants in the scene to usher me through it safely. I felt no embarrassment for coming apart, and instead, I sat in a haze of giddiness and satiation. A broad smile spread across my face, and I thanked my tormentors. As I looked into their faces, I could tell that the shared energy of our scene had been good for all of us. Damn good.

     


  5. VOTE FOR VAGINA ANTICS TOP SEX BLOGGERS 2013!

    September 2, 2013 by Heather Cole

    It’s that time of year for shameless self-promotion and on-my-knees begging. Oh wait… I do that all the time.

    <cough>

    That’s right! It’s time to vote for sweet Rori’s prestigious TOP 100 SEX BLOGGERS OF 2013 and we would love for Vagina Antics to make the list! In 2012 we set the list on fire at #26, a spectacular ranking for our first year. I’m still glowing. Would I be completely obnoxious if I said that I’d like to make the top ten? FINE! Call me Obnoxious Heather, and please vote.

    CLICK HERE to vote and instantly earn our eternal gratitude and admiration.

    *boob smoosh*

    ~Heather