In my defense, it was Britt’s fault. All of it. She knew the heavens would open and a chorus of angels would sing when she tweeted the photograph of Anal Whore undies. She knew I would be blinded by tears of joy as I said, “they’re so beautiful.” She knew she was sparking a mad mission to find the aforementioned Anal Whore undies. She also knew I would not rest until Anal Whore was written across my ass. She knew it ALL.
See? Totally Britt’s fault.
The hunt began immediately. I scoured every corner of the internetz for them, but Google was defiant, refusing to give me what I’d asked for. Instead it mocked me with a plethora of links that would take me to anal whore porn, anal whore wearing underwear porn, and anal whore smoking wearing underwear porn. Google hates me, obviously. Mr. K even joined in on the search because hellooooo, ANAL WHORE UNDIES. He looked hard. Heh…hard. *ahem* Even though I’d be willing to bet I totally won in the “Jesus Fucking Christ” department.
Exhausted and dismayed, I decided designing my own was the only way I would own a pair of Anal Whore undies. I scanned Cafe Press for undies– *blech* I perused Zazzle– what do you mean you don’t sell undies? But then I found them, I created them, and hysterical laughter ensued. Sort of like Dr. Frankenstein, but with WAY better hair, according to Heather.
A few days later, I ran past the teen to my bedroom, ignoring her inquiry about the small package I clutched to my chest. I locked the door behind me and kicked my running shoes off as I tore open the plastic with my teeth, dumping my new Anal Whore undies on the bed. I couldn’t help but squeal with delight when I saw them. They were pretty, they were pink, and they were mine.
<more hysterical laughter>
Finally naked except for my Anal Whore undies, I set up the tripod at the end of my bed and shoved the stacks of laundry I’d been folding out of view.
Mom?
What?
I need those pillowcases.
Now? You need them NOW?
What are you doing?
I’m working on, um, something. I’ll bring you the pillowcases later.
I set the timer on the camera and lunged for the bed, stretching out into my best cat-like pose as I waited for the shutter to click. I knew it would be the first shot of at least 112, so I wasn’t terribly surprised when I’d only captured half of my ass in the frame. Hey, taking selfies is hard, y’all. I studied my error and calculated the corrections, moving the camera a little to the left. I set the timer and I dove again.
Mom?
*motherfucker*
WHAT?
We’re going to play basketball.
Okay.
When do you want me home?
I don’t care.
*click*
Huh?
Six.
Okay, bye.
*click*
Logically, I should have waited until the kids were in bed to stage my home photo shoot, but because I have the patience of a gnat, there wasn’t a snowball’s chance in hell of that happening. And it was going well, sorta. But with the boys heading outside, there was a very real possibility they would spot me through the blinds, mostly naked and on my knees. I mean, I could have closed them, but the lighting was perfect. After a few (hundred) more shots, I got what I wanted and emailed the final photograph to Mr. K. I believe his immediate response was fuck me that’s hot, or something like that.
Feeling all warm & fuzzy about the smile I’d put on Mr. K’s face and the bulge in his shorts, I redressed, put the camera away, and refolded the laundry on the bed. And when I took one last glance around the room before opening the door, it seemed as though I’d never been there, because I’m a ninja. But mostly because I’m anal. Heh…anal.
Note to self: in the future, wash Anal Whore undies separate from the other household inhabitant’s laundry. <face palm>
Cute! Do they come with a tan line too?
Haha! Nope. Tan line not included.
Love the panties
Thankfully my teen is used to such crazy behavior from me. but yeah, I can picture trying to take pictures of the anal whore panties :D. Makes me think of my “princess” panties
Thank you!
She knows me well enough to know I was up to something.
Nikki,
There are remote shutter releases available for a number of cameras that just fit into the flash shoe and plug into the camera. You won’t have to run to beat the timer…smirk
I MUST HAVE ONE!
Very nice!
Thank you!
Patience of a gnat! Ha! Love it!
And I love your panties…more so because you had to go through so much just to have them.
It’s so true, Kayla. Patience is not my strong suit. Neither is math.
Oh, Nikki! This is hilarious and awesome and your ass is SPECTACULAR!!
Thank you, sugar! When I about it afterward, I was like holy hell. Did I really do that??
Brilliant, hilarious post – and the knickers are totally rad too
xx Dee
Thank you so much, Dee!
*hugs*
Nikki
giggling away cos I recognise so much of this…kids just dont understand the sacrifices we make! LD
And that was a lot of laundry to re-fold! It was totally worth it, though.