Hey Nikki,
My relationship is great. He is the sweetest and most loving man I’ve ever met. There’s just one problem. In my opinion there’s not enough sex happening. He’s the only man to ever make me orgasm. Hell, I’ve never even made myself orgasm. Sure, I’ve masturbated, but I always just get bored. I’ve often wondered if I should get a vibrator, but I don’t know the first thing about them. I understand that his sex drive is not as high as mine. I understand that we can’t be having sex all the time. So, my question is do you think getting a vibrator would help? If yes, there are so many kinds, where do I begin? I’d love to go out with my best gal pal and pick one out, but I don’t have any close female friends. Please help me.
Hugs,
R.
Oh, R. How I wish this was a conversation that we could have over a cup of coffee–half caff, almond milk latte with a shot of coconut–because heart-to-heart girlfriend chats are uber awesome.
Falling in love with someone whose libido doesn’t run parallel to yours is fairly common, and that’s okay. I mean, variety is the spice of life, right? A varying sex drive doesn’t have to be a pothole on the road to happiness, because there are so many ways to satisfy yourself with or without your partner. All you need is a little open-mindedness and a whole lot of honest communication about your needs, and your partner’s needs.
You’ve probably heard the saying “It’s not about the destination, it’s about the journey.” Well, I agree with it, mostly, but let’s be honest, sometimes we just want the fucking destination. It doesn’t make us selfish or uncaring–it makes us human. And whether it’s with their penis, fingers, tongue, or a toy, a lot of men derive a great deal of pleasure simply from the act of pleasing their partner. An open line of communication is imperative. If you tell him I NEED MORE ORGASMS, I would be willing to bet he’ll be all over it. Heh. And a vibrator, I think, could definitely help bridge the gap between your libido and your partner’s. When you find the one that you’re comfortable with, you can bring yourself to orgasm alone or while your man watches you pleasure yourself, which is always incredibly hot. And he can please you with the toy even if he’s not in the mood for a full-on romp.
There is a veritable smorgasbord of vibrators on the market, and it’s easy to succumb to over-information. There are bullets, finger massagers, G-spot vibrators, eggs, Rabbits, wands, vibrating cock rings and dildos, smoothies, anal/prostate, and many different styles of clitoral stimulators. See what I mean? Mind…blown.
Before embarking on a quest for the perfect Battery Operated Boyfriend, I suggest you think about the stimulation your body responds to the best. Is it clitoral stimulation? Vaginal penetration? Both? If it’s clitoral, the vibrator world is your oyster, because anything that vibrates can be used to coax your love lava into flowing. Most vibrators have varying speeds of intensity, and some, like the Hitachi, shouldn’t be used too often, in my opinion. I’m a super-huge fan of this magical orgasm stick, but it only has two speeds:
- Holy Mary, Mother of God, and;
- The Clit Destroyer
With that having been said, remember that our bodies tend to adjust to the stimulation we provide it, which can possibly make it more difficult to orgasm by manual stimulation. So if you notice reduced sensation after using a vibrator for an extended period of time, back off for a little while to let your body re-assimilate to the personal touch.
The Rabbit is another one of my personal favorites because it provides wicked clitoral AND vaginal stimulation. The vibrating rabbit ears tease the clitoris toward orgasm while the gyrating shaft that is filled with rotating beads throw you screaming into oblivion. It’s SO dreamy. I mean, if you’re into that sort of thing, of course.
Lubricant isn’t a must with a vibrator, but I do recommend it, especially if your love cave isn’t good and juicy before insertion. And like vibrators, there are a plethora of lubricants on the market to choose from. Except during anal play, you can rarely go wrong with a water based lubricant because it’s both body safe and toy friendly.
If you have a reputable adult toy store near you, I highly suggest a field trip. And including your partner in the naughty shopping excursion will likely stiffen his manhandle. Look at the toys together, tell each other in explicit detail what you will do with it when you get home, or into the car. It’s like foreplay in public. Again, if you’re into that sort of thing.
I would totally go with you if we were neighbors, because vibrator shopping with girlfriends is also super-fun.
Hugs,
Nikki
I would just like to add an agreement from a male perspective. There are times where I have pushed off and away from sex, not because I didn’t want to give my partner pleasure but because I found the act of getting off to be too much of a bother. Especially when we are using condoms, it can be difficult to reach orgasm and I’d really rather not. Now if Mrs. Carcosa wants me to go down on her for a while, play with her nipples, or even just hold her while she uses the vibe on herself then I am all in.
It took me more maturity than I would like to admit to stop worrying about how other people have sex and put my concern into how may wife and I want to have sex.
Jon – I think that’s an important revelation that lots of men don’t get when they’re younger. 1) that it’s perfectly fine if a person has difficulty attaining orgasm-that this doesn’t have to derail everything completely, and 2) people have different libidos-you’re not going to come every time she does or vice versa. And it’s all normal. What’s most important is how you make it work within your relationship. Thank you for sharing your experience.
If you want to see how amazing vibrators can be without the porn aspect check out clayton cubbets “hysterical literature” series of short videos. In the videos women are brought to orgasm by a hitachi magic wand while reading a passage from a book of their choice. They are only shown from the waist up.
Great article as always Nikki