I love Dan Savage, so when Zen sent me this link today, I eagerly read to see what Dan had to say in this letter regarding a woman’s sister and her new slave: SAVAGE LOVE Letter of the Day
Clearly the focus of Dan’s response was about the sister’s assertion that her coming out as a Domme to her family was similar to someone of the LGBTQ community revealing their sexual orientation. In this regard, both Dan and I are in agreement. I don’t think it’s the same thing at all. In my experience, it was a thousand times more difficult for me to tell my mother that I was bisexual and in love with a woman than it was to tell her I was kinky. Maybe at some point down the road I will choose not to be in a M/s dynamic. I can never not “choose” to be bisexual. It’s my fervent wish for public tolerance when I hold my girlfriend’s hand at a concert, and I hope that someday our government recognizes our rights as a couple some day. I don’t expect that sort of recognition from the law for my BDSM lifestyle. (Although it would be nice for my state to acknowledge and honor that I’m consenting in writing to a caning.) But contrary to what Dan wrote, I’m not looking for permission from the general public to have sex in front of them.
That’s where Dan and I disagree. I don’t think that a Master/slave dynamic is all about kinky sex. Of course it’s a huge part, and naturally, there are dynamics where that is the primary focus of activity. What lies at the heart of a M/s dynamic is obedience. Some of us hope for love, trust and loyalty as well, but above all there is obedience and submission. Humiliation can play a part, sometimes a big part, but all of the Masters and slaves that I know act like traditional couples everywhere. Because here’s the kicker, the power exchange exists in every day life in all sorts of couples, kinky AND traditional. As much as we get off playing our roles of Master and slave, we also want to have a life beyond our play space and that means complying with society’s rules, not to mention the law.
What’s unclear in the letter is if the sister was bringing her slave in his latex gimp suit with a collar and leash or if they were attending the family gathering in reindeer sweaters and khakis. Was she going to ask him to get her more stuffing or was she going to dump the stuffing on the floor and order him to lick it off her shoe after she stepped in it? I have a lot to say about the gimp suit and stuffing humiliation, because through my own experiments with submission in public, there is a boundary when my fetish in public forces you (a passerby) to participate. The latter isn’t consensual which is a huge no-no in the BDSM community. She shouldn’t force her parents to safeword over the green bean casserole, because she’s making the slave her footstool. And that’s the biggest question here for me: was she forcing her kink on others?
I understand wanting acceptance from those nearest and dearest to you. I wanted the same thing from my mother when I first told her I was kinky, but I told her my definition of kinky in broad strokes. I also sent her a to help her understand where I was coming from. However, I don’t tell my mom the naked details about what I do with Zen, my traditional bf. I’m just as reticent about describing my role as a slave. What I do in the privacy of my bedroom is saved for you, my darling Vagina readers. Mama can always subscribe to our RSS feed.
~Heather
