According to the Urban Dictionary, a unicorn is a bisexual person, usually (though not always) female, who is willing to join an existing couple, often with the presumption that this person will date and become sexually involved with both members of that couple, and not demand anything or do anything which might cause problems or inconvenience to that couple. They are mystical, magical creatures, and the pursuit and capture of them can be quite tricky. For Mr. K and I it has been a time consuming and incredibly frustrating safari, and it seems we’ve encountered one disappointing let down after another. There were times we considered giving up the search for a unicorn altogether, questioning the legitimacy of their existence.
We’ve been hunting them for awhile now and contrary to popular belief, most unicorns don’t have tell-tale marks separating them from the masses, making them easy to spot. They’re not covered in glitter, and they don’t wear pink leather chaps. They are masters in the art of camouflage, and they blend in well among soccer moms and business professionals. There are also different species of unicorns and it’s impossible to distinguish where they fall until you’ve already invested a significant amount of energy into learning their manner. Are they a true unicorn whose knowledge of the Unicorn Handbook is not to be trifled with? Or are they newbies with a holier-than-thou attitude when answering your sext?
Mr. K longs to experience the magical properties of a unicorn. He wants to pet one and play with it and watch it bow its silky nose in deference to my kick-ass unicorn domination skills. Although I want to fulfill the fantasy for him, sifting through all of the fakes and wingnuts is exhausting, y’all. So, if you’re considering your own quest for the elusive unicorn, the following may save you wasted effort and a tremendous headache. Oh, and bulk up on patience because you’re gonna need it. LOTS of it.
- Unicorns see in magic color vision, so when meeting one for the first time it’s best to wear colors that hold their attention, such as pinks and purples.
- Unicorns love Skittles because they’re the colors of rainbows, obviously.
- Some unicorns are attracted to shiny things and designer bags.
- If a unicorn makes excuses about meeting face to face after sexy emails have been exchanged, or disappears altogether, they’re a dude.
- When the unicorn’s cell phone in their profile photo has an antenna, odds are good that the selfie is WAY outdated.
- Tasers work best in the apprehension of unicorns. They’re more discreet and less bloody than crossbows or so I’ve heard.
- If a unicorn asks to move into your home as a nanny to your kids before ever setting eyes on you, she may have inhaled too much glitter over the years and is now cray-cray.
- If a unicorn says that all play must be bareback because of her “allergy to all condoms,” RUN.
Last week, I had a lunch date with a unicorn Mr. K and I recently met on a swinger site. We made arrangements to meet at a neutral location and I wore white jeans because hello, white jeans. And because the myth of unicorns states that they’re lured into captivity by a virgin dressed in white.
Virgin… *snort*
Anyway, I chatted with the unicorn about failed marriages, kids, careers and alligators. Her confession that she likes rope play surprised me and I might’ve purred when she said she is submissive in the bedroom. She was, however, quick to point out that she doesn’t like pain, which was a broad statement that I felt needed clarification. Does she consider nipple clamps pain? Spanking? Tit slapping? Being tied to a chair and forced to watch Twilight repeatedly?
“Define pain.”
She laughed when I asked, saying all of the above were acceptable except for anything that would leave marks. And sparkly vampires. She’s funny, she has quite a bit of swinging experience, and seems to have a firm grasp of unicorn-ing. She also understands that when Mr. K is in town our time together is precious and she respects that. She is looking forward to meeting us both for a drink to see if they click too.
The perfect unicorn doesn’t exist (except for my soulmateclone), and the idea of a perfect one is an unattainable fantasy. The right unicorn is a reality, though, and both the hunter and the unicorn should be selective, taking the necessary time to make sure the situation is a good fit for all involved. Is this unicorn the right one for us? Only time will tell for sure, but right now we’re waiting patiently with our family sized bag of Skittles, and when all systems are go, we’ll cast our magic net made from pure fairy dust. Organic, of course.
