Dear Heather:
My partner and I are beginning to explore more dominant/submissive roles in the bedroom. We’re experimenting and like to switch who is dominant, but she really gets off submitting and allowing me to do “whatever I want.” We have a couple fantasies we’d like to enact, and we have our safewords picked out. I was wondering if you have some suggestions about what we should (or shouldn’t) do as beginners to kink.
Thanks,
Anonymous
Dearest Anon:
First let me say congratulations! Exploring and being open sexually to the needs and desires of your partner (and knowing yourself) are a wonderful start. Keep up the good work, because open communication in the bedroom is crucial to a fulfilling sex life. Choosing a safeword is also important. Remember, if there’s a gag involved in your fantasy or the person submitting can’t vocalize for some reason, make sure that you have a hand signal that acts as your safeword.
What I can’t stress enough is aftercare. That’s right…AFTERCARE. My darling Anon, if you don’t know what the hell I’m talking about, don’t fret. Many people don’t know about this crucial piece of good sex play. Aftercare is so important that absolutely everyone, regardless of sexual preferences, should practice it. What I’m saying, Anon, is that those moments after your fantasy has run its course, when you’re together in the aftermath of orgasm glow and bodily fluids, hold her close and tell her how fucking amazing she is. Personally, I think everyone should do that after sex. Heaven knows that I didn’t do it enough in my twenties. If I could, I’d go back in time and thank every one of my sexual partners. Even that quickie in the bathroom.
In the world of kink, aftercare is supposed to be the last part of every scene. In fact, many submissives include it in their negotiation of a scene as an essential aspect of their play. After the excitement and fun, the resulting vulnerability for a submissive can be scary if they’re not tended to after the scene. Some submissives want to be held and stroked, others want to be left alone and untouched until they’re out of subspace. It can be anything really, just make sure you ask your partner what she needs after all is said and fucked…er, done.
Here’s an example: Last month M celebrated my birthday with me, and I had a special, super-intense scene which I had requested. M likes to surprise me, and not only was this scene longer than usual, but not one kind word escaped his lips. I was beaten in my most tender places. He took a cane to my thighs if I cried, and I swear he left me alone for what seemed an eternity. (I was blindfolded and tied so time was unreliable.) At the end of my birthday scene, I used my safeword because I had convinced myself that M hated me. His mindfuck was that superb. I was physically and emotionally undone. Imagine a puddle of crying goo. That was me.
As soon as the safeword was out of my mouth, I was unhooked from my bonds. The blindfold came off, and I curled into the fetal position on the bed. I was sobbing into my hands when I felt the bed dip behind me. M slid his arms around me and held me, murmuring that I was such a good pet for enduring what I did. That he was proud of me and loved me. Gradually I stopped crying and relaxed into his embrace. I have a favorite position with my arms tucked to my chest and my face buried in his neck as he wraps his strong arms around me. I floated in subspace, and M reassured me. His excellent aftercare was what enabled me to continue being completely open with him.
Anon, it sounds like you and your partner are giving this a lot of thought, for which I commend you. And I say this to all our readers: aftercare shouldn’t be an option, it should be a requirement. If you have one ounce of respect for your partner, whether it’s an hour of fun or a lifetime commitment, take care of that person. Tell them thank you for getting your rocks off. Ultimately, we’re sharing a connection. Honor it.
Yours in sexual matters,
xo Heather
Outstanding important advice! As much as the BDSM community has railed against a certain book, I am convinced it will empower people to open their minds to some of the darker aspects of their sexuality. I’m also convinced the vast majority of these will be bad experiences, especially for the submissive, in that they will only focus on the surface and not what makes WIITWD so special.
And your scene description was lovely…
Thank you, Scot! I agree with your assessment of those exploring submissives. And let’s face it, no one is a great Dom right out of the gate either. If people would only read about the BDSM subject before acting! But I’m preaching to the choir…
I have strange thoughts on aftercare. With some, I’ve wanted it. With others, not so much. I should write about this…
And, then again, I’m an oddball. This is great advice for people in a loving relationship.
I’ve had a lot of sex where aftercare wasn’t a part of it. Like I said, that quickie in the bathroom wasn’t conducive to a snuggle. Plus, I didn’t want one. But I should have thanked the guy. It was an awesome orgasm.
hahaha
I just had to read this post again because of how beautiful your birthday scene is written.
After sharing such intense passion, aftercare seems like a necessity that can be easily overlooked. Another fantastic piece, Heather.
Thank you, Brittany! I’m so glad you liked it. That scene was one of the best birthday presents I’ve ever received, and I always worry that my words won’t do it justice. Your compliment means so much! xo