I love Dan Savage, so when Zen sent me this link today, I eagerly read to see what Dan had to say in this letter regarding a woman’s sister and her new slave: SAVAGE LOVE Letter of the Day
Clearly the focus of Dan’s response was about the sister’s assertion that her coming out as a Domme to her family was similar to someone of the LGBTQ community revealing their sexual orientation. In this regard, both Dan and I are in agreement. I don’t think it’s the same thing at all. In my experience, it was a thousand times more difficult for me to tell my mother that I was bisexual and in love with a woman than it was to tell her I was kinky. Maybe at some point down the road I will choose not to be in a M/s dynamic. I can never not “choose” to be bisexual. It’s my fervent wish for public tolerance when I hold my girlfriend’s hand at a concert, and I hope that someday our government recognizes our rights as a couple some day. I don’t expect that sort of recognition from the law for my BDSM lifestyle. (Although it would be nice for my state to acknowledge and honor that I’m consenting in writing to a caning.) But contrary to what Dan wrote, I’m not looking for permission from the general public to have sex in front of them.
That’s where Dan and I disagree. I don’t think that a Master/slave dynamic is all about kinky sex. Of course it’s a huge part, and naturally, there are dynamics where that is the primary focus of activity. What lies at the heart of a M/s dynamic is obedience. Some of us hope for love, trust and loyalty as well, but above all there is obedience and submission. Humiliation can play a part, sometimes a big part, but all of the Masters and slaves that I know act like traditional couples everywhere. Because here’s the kicker, the power exchange exists in every day life in all sorts of couples, kinky AND traditional. As much as we get off playing our roles of Master and slave, we also want to have a life beyond our play space and that means complying with society’s rules, not to mention the law.
What’s unclear in the letter is if the sister was bringing her slave in his latex gimp suit with a collar and leash or if they were attending the family gathering in reindeer sweaters and khakis. Was she going to ask him to get her more stuffing or was she going to dump the stuffing on the floor and order him to lick it off her shoe after she stepped in it? I have a lot to say about the gimp suit and stuffing humiliation, because through my own experiments with submission in public, there is a boundary when my fetish in public forces you (a passerby) to participate. The latter isn’t consensual which is a huge no-no in the BDSM community. She shouldn’t force her parents to safeword over the green bean casserole, because she’s making the slave her footstool. And that’s the biggest question here for me: was she forcing her kink on others?
I understand wanting acceptance from those nearest and dearest to you. I wanted the same thing from my mother when I first told her I was kinky, but I told her my definition of kinky in broad strokes. I also sent her a to help her understand where I was coming from. However, I don’t tell my mom the naked details about what I do with Zen, my traditional bf. I’m just as reticent about describing my role as a slave. What I do in the privacy of my bedroom is saved for you, my darling Vagina readers. Mama can always subscribe to our RSS feed.
~Heather
I have to agree, i think it is awful appropriation to claim being kinky has some equivalence with being LGBTIQA. It always smacks of the worse kind of me tooism of privileged white people.
I want the law to recognize the primacy of consent, so that my Master is never in fear of prosecution for beating me. That tho is an issue far wider than our particular kink, he does not after all need to beat me, if informed and enthusiastic consent were at the heart of the law around sex, then rape cases would look very different.
Again whilst I think the law on what is considered extreme pornography in th UK is fuckwitted, the bigger issue of state censorship and consent are what matter far more than my desire to watch a fisting or watersports video. (Also as a feminist the situation we have where men are allowed to do things on film women are not is one I see as reinforcing Victorian ideas around women).
There is just one thing I would like to say and that is the use of the term slave, I think we need to stop using it, ethical BDSM is not a particular thing, but it should be and to call something consensual slavery because someone wishes to emphasise thiet limits (or lack of them) is to me one of the sad, self absorbed things about BDSM.
I explore this further here.
http://itsjustahobby.wordpress.com/2012/02/26/sub-or-slave-or-human-being/
Jemima101 – Thank you for your comment! You articulated something that I’ve been thinking about a lot. I agree that the BDSM community needs a better word than “slave.” In my part of the US, casually referring to myself as a slave in front of African Americans is highly offensive. Under the best of circumstances it’s a loaded word with all sorts of unwanted association. The further I dive into my submission, the deeper I explore my M/s dynamic, the more I see how I am NOT a slave by definition. My rights are many. I would like to find an alternative label that communicates the unique depth of my submission and service. What do you say instead of “slave?”
Oh lord i had not even really considered how offensive it must be to those of a heritage that involved slavery!
i simply say sub, the use of slave is to me on of those heirachies we are terrible at in BDSM, where a slave is more committed than a sub who is turn is more committed than someone who has never read screw the roses.
What is after all the difference between a sub and a slave? Contract, time, ceremony of binding, wearing a collar permanently? I can think of people who have all or none of these.
And there is my ego, Jemima101. I recognize what you’re saying about the BDSM hierarchies, and that many of us are out to “prove” that we’re more something or other than the next kinkster. Which is why I cling to the word “slave” in a way–like it communicates to others that this is an important core part of me. However, it’s ONLY my ego. I’m going to have to think of another term. You’ve inspired me.
i know i use the term collared sub around more formal people, which is of course my ego and desire to be accepted as “serious” about this thing that we do. Would that term work for you?
It might. I’m mulling it over.
I was discussing our conversation with my girlfriend last night, and she observed that in her scale of Dominance to submission, there are three levels of submission in her way of thinking: bottom, submissive, slave. But that Top and Dom/Domme hold the same degree of dominance at the other end of the scale. It started me thinking even more about labels and how we rank things. Great food for thought.
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