There has been a lot of talk about labeling sexuality lately, mine and Mr. K’s in particular. We’re always changing, it seems; evolving. One of the questions we’ve pondered is, “are we considered swingers since our playtime with other couples is really more of a tangled heap of body parts than merely swapping partners?” We’ve also mulled over, “are we true BDSM switches? Or are we simply primal?”
Who the fuck knows anymore? But more importantly, why does it matter? To be frank, it doesn’t.
I find the concept of labels baffling. In general, I feel like they’re unfair, tend to dislike them immensely, and work hard to keep them from sticking. In my past, I’ve been hurt by labels, and I rebelled against the stigma as I tried to make them fit the way I wanted, on my terms. Yet in the context of BDSM, I find I need a label to define who I am; the things I like.
See? Confusing.
It’s no secret that I’ve had sex with women. I quite enjoy it, and people who know this about me are quick to assume I’m bisexual. Maybe I am, by all intents and purposes, but for my comfort, the label is too cut and dry. It just doesn’t fit well. I don’t have the desire to date women, nor am I sexually attracted to them. However, given the opportunity, I will fuck a lovely lady in a hot minute, but only if Mr. K’s supervisory penis is within grasping distance. When I explain this, I’m usually met with lots of wide-eyed blinking, and when I label myself as heteroflexible, because ‘sexually fluid’ isn’t one, I see more of the whole deer in the headlights thing. It’s really not that complicated, though. Well, in my mind it’s not.
Wikipedia defines heteroflexibilty as a sexual orientation or situational sexual behavior characterized by minimal homosexuality activity despite being primarily heterosexual. This differs from bisexuality.
For the majority of people, I think defining their sexuality is relatively easy. They either distinctly identify with a certain sexual orientation or they don’t. It can be pretty basic stuff, but for those of us who flow over the lines, labeling identity can be a complex choice and widely misunderstood.
When I began writing this blog post nearly two weeks ago… Oh stop. Have you not read The Method to My Madness? It ain’t pretty, y’all. Anyway, I had the idea that explaining my sexual fluidity would be easy peasy. And it was when I started, but then it took all kinds of turns into how the defined lines of different orientations tend to blur for some kinksters, in my opinion. Before I knew it, I found myself constructing a picket sign with “Can’t we all just get along sexually?” written in sparkly glitter.
Clearly, I’d drifted way off course.
To put it simply: I like to fuck women, but I need Mr. K’s penis close by or inside me to do so…I am the dominant one… I feel submissive…
Wait, what?
And the course shifted again. I didn’t even see it coming, but there it was in bright blue neon flashing lights with a purple outline. It was so bright, so sharp it blew up because the revelation was that powerful. Like Dirk Diggler in Boogie Nights.
Oh, stop judging me. Like I would ever pass on an opening like that one.
But what the fuck? When I feel submissive, it’s only to Mr. K, not to the women we play with. I am the dominant one, dammit!
<stamps foot>
Seriously, though. I’m not sure why I’m naturally dominant when it comes to women, but I am. And honestly, I don’t know how I would respond to a woman who wasn’t sexually submissive.
Would I fight for dominance over her? I tend to think I would, and Mr. K agrees.
“Unless I told you otherwise,” he said.
I saw what he did there, which led me to believe he’s known this about me for some time.
Well played, Mr. K. Well played indeed.
The thing is, I’ve always been the dominant one with the sexy ladies we’ve played with. Hell, their husbands too, for that matter. I’ve seen the recognition in the way they look at me, felt it grow thick in the air between us, and I’ve fed heartily from the power of it. Mr. K has even said witnessing the control I have in those moments is what gets him off when we play with other couples.
God, I love that man.
When I have my wicked way with a woman, though, I don’t dare to climb inside of her head, taking great pleasure in seducing her thoughts with my words in the way I do Mr. K’s. That need doesn’t surface. What I give her is purely physical, but what I take runs very deep.
The intense desire to please him blooms inside me under his watchful eye. I feel the heat of his gaze memorizing every flick of my tongue between soft, slick folds, every plunge of my fingers into the depths of her wanton mound as I bring her to orgasm. He is proud of me; proud that I am his. I sense his love for me, his pride. It swells– takes my breath and washes over me. It’s an amazing high.
With all of that having been said, I’m not any one thing, sexually speaking. I flow freely in the moment, doing what feels right, whatever it may be. I am THAT girlfriend– the best one ever, according to Mr. K. He allows my sexual fluidity, encourages it and that, my friends, I wouldn’t have any other way.
You know how much I love labels. 😉
Seriously, I think the BDSM/world loves its jargon as much as any other group or discipline (heh) of like-minded people. Maybe we should all also come with Nutrition Facts, too.
You’re right, Corey. We do seem to love them in the BDSM context.
It does not seem that difficult to understand to me.
Hugs to you, dear Gooblaster.
Lovely post, as usual! <3
Just my two cents:
Labels are only important and useful for a personal purpose. They can help YOU understand who YOU are more deeply. They shouldn't be used to shove other people in boxes, but rather only to investigate and recognize who you are so you can allow yourself the freedom to be you.
…if that made any sense at all. I feel like I just threw up a bunch of crap.
Basically, I love you because you're full of awesomeness. *smooshes*
You are absolutely right, Britt! Labels should always be for personal use, but we all know how that goes…
Also, I love you bunches! *boob smoosh*
[…] heteroflexible and the detest of labeling a fluid sexuality […]
I’ve never accepted the term “heteroflexible” as it is widely used in Fetlife & elsewhere. Does it convey the idea that one is really hetero but will “dabble” in other directions? In practice, it means that a guy might let another guy blow him but won’t reciprocate, or a woman will let another lick her pussy but won’t return the favor. The label seems like “one-way” sex to me.
Dave,
It seems to me your thoughts on sexuality and relationships are fairly limited.
If you will re-read the title, you will notice I said what it means for ME. In both theory and practice, the defined sexuality, whatever it may be, can be exhibited however it pleases the person who chooses it. And heteroflexibility does not simply mean “one-way” sex. It’s defined as situational sexual behavior. Its broad and can mean many things. Again, for the person who chooses the label to decide, not you.
Great post as always, Nikki. Hypothetical question, because I have a lot of potent fantasies in this area. If Mr. K told you to submit to another woman, would it turn you on?
Thank you, Emily!
That’s an excellent question, and to be honest, I think I would struggle greatly with submitting to another woman. Or anyone who isn’t Mr. K, for that matter.
I agree, labels are useless and you should keep doing what pleases you from time to time.
But your post leaves me wondering if you are actually turned on by women, or turned on by performing for Mr. K. And does sex with a man under his watchful eye turn you on in the same way?
Well, since neither appeal to me without Mr. K’s presence, I’m going to say it’s performing for him I find so enjoyable.
The problem with labels is they leave so much out. Ideally they’re a tool for communicating how we prefer to behave, but is telling people that I’m a submissive, bisexual, poly woman really helpful? I already want to qualify two of those words, so I’ve given up on labels and opted for letting people make assumptions.
Labels DO leave so much out, Jill! I say fuck them.
[…] What Heteroflexible Means for Me […]