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Posts Tagged ‘online dating’

  1. The Dating Dilemma

    August 3, 2015 by Nikki Blue

    kissing

     

    As she cruised OKCupid with her own dating agenda, a friend of mine came to a screeching halt on a profile that brought me to mind. Excited, she said the suited-up piece of younger man-candy wore a mask over his eyes, touted that he was into “50 Shades type stuff,” and listed a guide to anal sex as one of his favorite books.

    Everyone but me, it seems, is ready for me to date.

    “You could have fun with him,” she said. “And he’s wicked-cute.”

    Of course I rolled my eyes dramatically, but still, I had to chuckle at her enthusiasm. I told her that it wasn’t enough to even make me quirk an eyebrow. And it wasn’t. If anything, it made me resist the idea of dating again that much more.

    That Christian-Grey-wanna-be-type is part of the reason behind the tightly wound ball of anxiety in my stomach when it comes to dating. I know they’re out there, so many of them, waiting to exact their so-called dominance. Thanks, but no thanks. I’d rather stay home on a Saturday night alone, drinking vodka out of my Queen of Everything coffee cup while binging on Netflix.

    I’ve actually given a lot of thought to the idea of dating lately. Not actually doing it, perse. It’s more like I’ve taken every common reason not to date I’ve ever heard and adopted them as my own. And there are a laundry list of them. Reasons like I don’t have the time to write an irresistibly witty profile, my focus is on work, I want to lose a few pounds of fluff first, I have a mountain of junk mail to shred, and people are stupid. Okay, so they’re more like excuses than legitimate reasons, except for the last two, but what it all boils down to is the idea of dating makes me nervous.

    When my marriage imploded four years ago, I didn’t date–I fucked. I had no idea who I was or what I wanted, but I was finally free to sift through the complex pieces of my past–my confusing sexual history–to make sense of who I was, who I had always been. And I did make sense of it, mostly. I didn’t want a relationship, and I damn sure didn’t want love. Then I met Mr. K, a play partner turned boyfriend who unlocked a door deep inside of me that I never knew existed, and for that, I will be forever grateful. Over the next three years, we indulged each other’s fantasies. We fucked with abandon and we loved hard, but did we actually date? It’s hard to say.

    What is ‘dating’ today? But more importantly, what is dating when you’re 45? Do you connect online and make plans to meet at a coffee bar? A wine bar? A pressed juice bar? And how does a sex blogger date? When is the appropriate time to say “Hey, man-I-possibly-like, I write about sex ON THE INTERNET, and you too can read every kinky detail of the group sex, anal sex, and sexy sex I’ve had!”

    See what I mean? Total anxiety.

    Most of my friends clearly don’t understand my worries when it comes to dating, or me for that matter. They say things like “You should just go to the places where your people go.”

    I’m sorry, what? Where my people go? What the fuck does that even mean? Or I’m told how hard dating is because someone always seems to have this one friend who is drop-dead-gorgeous and can’t get a date, but it’s probably because she’s so beautiful.

    True story.

    I’m pretty sure that translated into “You’re ugly and will die alone.”

    There’s always the old-fashioned way of dating, or happenstance, I guess. But I refuse to go out with anyone I meet in a bar. Been there, done that more times than I can count. It rarely develops into anything beyond a one night stand, maybe two. Those days are long gone for me. And I can’t meet people through business outlets since I work from home and most (all) of the men at the events and luncheons I attend are gay. And in the grocery store, I’m too focused on condiments to really notice anyone who might try more than once (3 times) to strike up a conversation with me, apparently.

    I love this bottle of BBQ sauce so much that I can’t possibly notice you or even say hello to you, handsome man passing by me three times in the aisle. -Heather

    Oh, stop judging me, Heather.

    But seriously, when it comes to new things, I’m all for giving it the old college try. Sashimi? Sure! Peeing in my mouth? Of course! Dating? Wait, what? I watch my single friends go through the motions of online dating, the string of disappointments, and I’m like nah, I’m good.

    Truthfully, I know why I’m hesitant to date again. They’re called feelings and I’m super protective of them. It’s incredibly difficult for me to open up to people; to trust. I don’t do it lightly. Have I been jaded by my past experiences? Probably, but I know that’s something I need to work on. I know who I am this time around, though, and I know what I want. I want first date jitters, butterflies, and hand-holding. Am I a bit of a romantic? Abso-fucking-lutley. But most importantly, I want to not only feel like a priority, I want to be a priority.

    I could go on forever about the things I don’t want in a relationship and partner attributes that make me throw up a crucifix shouting “Be gone, demon!”, but I think that’s the problem. I spend so much time focusing on what I don’t want, it’s holding me back from making myself available to the things I do want, if that makes any sense.

    I took time off to take care of myself in a healthy way after my relationship with Mr. K ended, which is something I’d never done before. I took a lot of time, actually, and by doing so, I let wounds breathe and heal instead of recklessly covering them up with booze and unfulfilling sex as I’d done in the past. It was one of the most responsible decisions I’ve ever made and one I’m damn proud of. But I’m afraid I’ve reached the point where my time off has become another excuse to hide behind. For the most part, my heart is open to dating again, I think, but my head is still working to catch up. It’s getting there, slowly, and one day soon, I’ll finally take that step forward into the dating pool, and when I do, I’ll refuse to settle for anything less than extraordinary, because I fucking deserve it.

    Category Dating | Tags: ,,,,,,,,, | 13 Comments

  2. Do’s and Don’ts of Unicorn Hunting

    July 25, 2015 by Nikki Blue

    Unicorn

    I’ve done my share of unicorn hunting and believe me when I say that searching for that perfect fit for your threesome is exhausting. And it’s frustrating as hell. The countless hours I’ve spent courting prospective playmates only to have them flake out when our date drew near is time I’ll never get back. Most weren’t even unicorns at all, it turned out. Instead, they were attention seekers with no intention of following through with their juicy promises. They were all bark and no bite, which is a terrible shame because I like biting, a lot.

    Anyway, now that my FetLife profile no longer says that I’m in a relationship, it seems the tables have turned the hunter into the hunted. I’m not cool with this, and I can assure you, my kinky friends, that I am no unicorn. And I’m fairly certain that the reason behind my aversion to being the plus one between the sheets is my need for a significant amount of control, or it’s that whole topping from the bottom thing. That, though, is a can of worms I’ll save for later.

    So, if you are considering a unicorn quest of your own, here are my top tips to start you off on the right foot:

    Choose the appropriate site – Don’t assume that every unattached woman on FetLife is open to being the delicious center of your naked sandwich–it’s offensive. Joining a site like Swing Life Style will exponentially improve your odds of a successful search.

    Read the profile – Regardless of whether the unicorn of your naughty dreams is listed on FetLife or Swing Life, don’t skim over her profile. Read. Every. Fucking. Word. Look for consent that she is open to receiving such an invitation. If it specifically states at the top of her profile in italics that she is not looking for a Dom, a sub, or a play partner, don’t ignore her statement and message her anyway certain that you will be the one to change her mind. *eye roll*

    Don’t copy/paste – Look, people aren’t stupid and most can tell a copy/paste message from the get-go. Unicorns know how bait-casting works, but even though she’s not the only one you’re fishing for, you need to make her feel as though she is.

    Prepare for rejection – It happens, and in this case, silence speaks volumes. If days pass and she hasn’t replied to your message, she’s not going to, so don’t send another asking if she’s given any thought to a sweaty meeting. Don’t ask for her email, her phone number, and for fucks sake, don’t tell her how sexy she is with a lengthy mmmmmm—that’s harassment, jerkface.

    Timing – Unicorns need time to prepare for a sexy romp with a couple–they need to feel safe knowing their limits will be respected. Don’t make plans to meet for an introductory drink with the assumption she will get naked with you an hour later. It rarely works that way.

    Most importantly, be respectful, be patient, and don’t be a douche. ~Nikki  

     

    Hello, it’s your friendly neighborhood unicorn here. Unlike Nikki, I’ve only been on the side of the hunted, and I prefer to keep it that way. Yup, I like complementing a couple as a willing third in the threesome. True, I was *this close* to being the filling of a man-meat sandwich, but that was unusual for me. I’m most comfortable in a supportive role to the main couple. And this brings me to my first piece of advice:

    There are Different Breeds of Unicorn – We all have our different definitions of the label ‘unicorn,’ which typically corresponds to the qualities one is hunting for. “I’m dreaming of a unicorn who is ____ and has _____ and who is totally into _____.” The trick is finding that unicorn who also desires the qualities that you possess. The mythical part of the equation is that the unicorn will always give/contribute to the threesome without asking for anything in return, like emotional or physical gratification. Sweeties, that is a myth. Unicorns want to get off too. The truth is that we come in all genders and sexual tastes, and guess what, we unicorns have our own personal preferences about who we cavort with. For example, I can’t unicorn with anyone without my Dominant’s permission, so even if I’m attracted to a couple and want to play, I have to clear it with my sir. If the couple isn’t cool with my protocols, the entire thing is a no-go. Sometimes you luck out and can find a tasty third to your twosome on a hookup site. Everything can look perfect, but understand that the unicorn may be scrutinizing you as much as you’re checking out them.

    Just Because You Found A Unicorn, It Doesn’t Mean They Have to Fuck You – Hey, Mr. Married Guy Who Wants a Chick to Seduce His Wife, I’m talking to you. And everyone else. But mostly to you. You may have a boatload of unspoken expectations regarding the unicorn you found, Mr. MGWWaCtSHW, but that doesn’t mean she has to comply with your irritating unspoken/sort of articulated plans for her and your wife. CONSENT is a huge, important part of unicorning. It’s an important facet of relationships in general, but in this specific scenario—and I can’t say this enough—unicorns don’t have to fuck you if they don’t want to. Even if I slept with you and your partner just last week, there is no written rule that says I have to do so again. And if you attempt to manipulate me into complying based on the fact that I ‘did it before,’ I will knee you in the balls on my way out of the door. No means no, and if it seems like I’m teetering on the edge of a rant, it’s because this has actually happened to me and it PISSES ME OFF.

    Communicate and Be Safe – Nikki referred to this earlier. If you’ve started a dialogue with a unicorn regarding the possibility of a threesome, be clear about your expectations and what you want from the encounter. Everyone should discuss their limits, the things that are OK to do and those that are out of bounds. It’s really important for unicorns, regardless of gender, to feel safe in a situation. They may be saying positive things leading up to the big night, but if for any reason they don’t feel safe or don’t want to continue, they should bail. (see #2) There are ways to do this politely, and the sooner you, the unicorn, know it’s not going to work, the faster you should notify the other party. But there is never any time when it’s acceptable to coerce or threaten someone into compliance.

    A Gentle Approach – Why do you think medieval literature insisted that only a virgin could lure a unicorn out of the woods? Because we are special! If you go clomping through the forest with your armor, a pack of dogs, and 30 knights from the round table, I can promise you that every unicorn within miles will be hiding from your loud ass. In other words, if you are a M/F couple looking for a F-unicorn, for the love of all that’s holy, DO NOT have the M of your couple approach the F-unicorn first. Even dudes with the best of intentions come off as sleazeballs. And your message shouldn’t be titled: “I’m looking for a playmate for my wife.” Bring your computer over here, because I’m gonna barf on it. Your rates of success will increase if the female part of your couple reaches out to the female unicorn first. Even if the woman doesn’t really know what she wants, or if it’s her first time with another woman, her saying exactly that will be better received than a man reporting it second-hand.

    Sometimes Things Don’t Work Out Like You Thought They Would – Oh group sex… you are such a wily and capricious activity. The more people you add to a sexual situation, the more chances you have of things going differently than planned. Sometimes this is totally awesome. Other times, not so much. Just keep in mind that your “unicorn” is actually a human being of flesh and blood. They’re there to participate in your fun, but that’s no guarantee that everything will be rainbows and cupcakes. Sometimes it doesn’t work out that way. But if everyone communicates about what they want and how they want it, your rate of success will be even better

    Remember: be safe, communicate like crazy, and keep an open mind. Some day, your unicorn will come. Er, you’ll come with a unicorn. Wait… ~Heather

    Category Group Sex | Tags: ,,,,,,,,, | 4 Comments

  3. Online Dating: Finding What You Want

    July 6, 2015 by Heather Cole

    Online love button on the keyboard. Toned Image.

    When venturing into the world of dating, it seems like the activity can be broken down into two primary categories. You have your standard, traditional form of dating that can begin with something as simple as a casual coffee, then graduate to dinner, and possibly more. Then there is the more casual, dare we say recreational, style of dating–the hook-up. Both types of interactions offer aspects that might suit certain people and turn away others. Regardless of which you choose, there are some fundamental rules y’all should be following when looking for potential matches online.

    First and foremost:  READ THEIR DAMN PROFILE. Don’t skim it. Don’t just look at their photo on the profile and decide they’re the penis or pussy of your dreams. (By the way, don’t ever make a photo of your love log or love cave your profile pic–even if it’s your favorite part of your anatomy. Yes, we said ‘love log.’) Read every word they’ve written. Hopefully they’ve mentioned the qualities they’re looking for in a prospective date, one of which should be they type of relationship they’re looking for–something casual, long-term, or somewhere in between.

    Casual dating brings to mind non-commitment–a sense of freedom. You aren’t attached solely to one person, but instead can go as you please, meeting and dating as many people as you like. It’s this carefree, relaxed nature that some individuals prefer. Furthermore the term “no strings attached” implies that sex is the main focus of the encounter. It’s a hobby to some, and there’s nothing wrong with that as long as everyone is upfront and communicates their objectives. Finding singles who want no strings sex can prove as challenging as meeting the mate of your dreams, but for different reasons. In both instances you have to do some research on the person (it’s called Google, y’all) to ensure that you’re not dealing with a psychopath, and regardless of whether you want to see them again or not, play responsibly and ALWAYs practice safe sex.

    Secondly: Send a grammatically correct, interesting first message. It doesn’t have to be long, but you should comment or include a fact that you learned about them based on reading their entire profile. Even if it’s only to hook up for one night of wild monkey sex, make that first message count.

    Do THIS: “Dear Wild Monkey Sex Man: As it turns out, I happen to share your passion for bananas. I would love to talk to you about it sometime. Do you text? xxxx”

    DON’T do this: “How RU”

    And definitely don’t do this: “What’s up?”

    And really don’t do this: “Kneel before me and worship my ____!”

    Third: Be upfront about what you want in a relationship or in your sexual encounter. This circles back to our first topic. Throughout the search process, being honest about the type of person you’re searching for will save everyone time (and a massive headache) in the end. Even if your focus is sex, be open to discussing the characteristics that you want. Are you looking for a certain size? Height? Ability to enact all of the Kama Sutra? Talk about it or you’ll never have a chance at finding what you desire.

    What? You don’t want to talk about your expectations? While many find it difficult and embarrassing to discuss what they might like to try with a partner, it will be easier to bring up your wildest fantasies with someone who is a match for your experiences. You can both pitch ideas back and forth and find out more about yourself sexually and emotionally. You never know, you may discover a few things about yourself in the process.

     

    Category Dating | Tags: ,,,,,,, | No Comments

  4. A Field Guide to Hunting Unicorns

    May 2, 2013 by Nikki Blue

    Pink Unicorn

    According to the Urban Dictionary, a unicorn is a bisexual person, usually (though not always) female, who is willing to join an existing couple, often with the presumption that this person will date and become sexually involved with both members of that couple, and not demand anything or do anything which might cause problems or inconvenience to that couple. They are mystical, magical creatures, and the pursuit and capture of them can be quite tricky. For Mr. K and I it has been a time consuming and incredibly frustrating safari, and it seems we’ve encountered one disappointing let down after another. There were times we considered giving up the search for a unicorn altogether, questioning the legitimacy of their existence.

    We’ve been hunting them for awhile now and contrary to popular belief, most unicorns don’t have tell-tale marks separating them from the masses, making them easy to spot. They’re not covered in glitter, and they don’t wear pink leather chaps. They are masters in the art of camouflage, and they blend in well among soccer moms and business professionals. There are also different species of unicorns and it’s impossible to distinguish where they fall until you’ve already invested a significant amount of energy into learning their manner. Are they a true unicorn whose knowledge of the Unicorn Handbook is not to be trifled with? Or are they newbies with a holier-than-thou attitude when answering your sext?

    Mr. K longs to experience the magical properties of a unicorn. He wants to pet one and play with it and watch it bow its silky nose in deference to my kick-ass unicorn domination skills. Although I want to fulfill the fantasy for him, sifting through all of the fakes and wingnuts is exhausting, y’all. So, if you’re considering your own quest for the elusive unicorn, the following may save you wasted effort and a tremendous headache. Oh, and bulk up on patience because you’re gonna need it. LOTS of it.

     

    • Unicorns see in magic color vision, so when meeting one for the first time it’s best to wear colors that hold their attention, such as pinks and purples.

     

    • Unicorns love Skittles because they’re the colors of rainbows, obviously.

     

    • Some unicorns are attracted to shiny things and designer bags.

     

    • If a unicorn makes excuses about meeting face to face after sexy emails have been exchanged, or disappears altogether, they’re a dude.

     

    • When the unicorn’s cell phone in their profile photo has an antenna, odds are good that the selfie is WAY outdated.

     

    • Tasers work best in the apprehension of unicorns. They’re more discreet and less bloody than crossbows or so I’ve heard.

     

    • If a unicorn asks to move into your home as a nanny to your kids before ever setting eyes on you, she may have inhaled too much glitter over the years and is now cray-cray.

     

    • If a unicorn says that all play must be bareback because of her “allergy to all condoms,” RUN.

    Last week, I had a lunch date with a unicorn Mr. K and I recently met on a swinger site. We made arrangements to meet at a neutral location and I wore white jeans because hello, white jeans. And because the myth of unicorns states that they’re lured into captivity by a virgin dressed in white.

    Virgin… *snort*

    Anyway, I chatted with the unicorn about failed marriages, kids, careers and alligators. Her confession that she likes rope play surprised me and I might’ve purred when she said she is submissive in the bedroom. She was, however, quick to point out that she doesn’t like pain, which was a broad statement that I felt needed clarification. Does she consider nipple clamps pain? Spanking? Tit slapping? Being tied to a chair and forced to watch Twilight repeatedly?

    “Define pain.”

    She laughed when I asked, saying all of the above were acceptable except for anything that would leave marks. And sparkly vampires. She’s funny, she has quite a bit of swinging experience, and seems to have a firm grasp of unicorn-ing. She also understands that when Mr. K is in town our time together is precious and she respects that. She is looking forward to meeting us both for a drink to see if they click too.

    The perfect unicorn doesn’t exist (except for my soulmateclone), and the idea of a perfect one is an unattainable fantasy. The right unicorn is a reality, though, and both the hunter and the unicorn should be selective, taking the necessary time to make sure the situation is a good fit for all involved. Is this unicorn the right one for us? Only time will tell for sure, but right now we’re waiting patiently with our family sized bag of Skittles, and when all systems are go, we’ll cast our magic net made from pure fairy dust. Organic, of course.

     

    Category Group Sex | Tags: ,,,,,,,,,, | 9 Comments

  5. Plays Well With Others

    June 13, 2012 by Heather Cole

    Me: [picks up pen] [scribbles recklessly] Bisexual, thirty-something, divorced, mother-of-one seeks a bisexual female for friendship and lady-loving*.

    *means that I would like to learn the arts of lady love. I have very little practical experience with women aside from the occasional stolen kisses as a young girl and drunken breast caresses at parties in high school. But that doesn’t stop me from lusting, from yearning. OH THE YEARNING!  [crosses out last sentence. Note to self: shouting doesn’t attract the ladies.]

    Warning: I’m frickticulously complicated. I think about everything which means that I will think about making a move on you a hundred times before actually doing it. I also demand a variety of different beverages at breakfast. Coffee, water and a bloody mary for starters.

    In fact, you should probably only answer this ad…

    [Writes second note to self: will this be a personal ad? A dating site? A placard outside the neighborhood deli?]

    …if you want to have a lot of sex, albeit beginner sex, because my situation involves two boyfriends.
    Yes, you read that right.
    One of whom is also my Dom.
    Yes, you read that right as well.
    And both of them live long distance.
    Yes…complicated…

    Perhaps you’ll understand better when I explain that I love my male partners, one of whom is kinky and who is helping me explore and expand my kinky self. They both know about my wish for female companionship-sex… [why do I sound like an 1800’s governess when I say that?] …and we talk about it. Quite a bit. And for the record, I won’t proceed with any of this if one of them objects. Yes, they’re that important to me.

    I feel like now is the time to explore my bisexuality, because I’ve denied it for years and years. I love women; I love their curves and soft skin, how they move and how they think. Why shouldn’t I act on it? Maybe I can take action with you? [Crosses out last sentence. Meaning unclear and generally too pervy-sounding.]

    I refer to it as “companionship-sex” because I suck at casual sex. I’m absolutely no good at not caring. [Note: this should probably go under the warning part.] I would like us to be friends and genuinely enjoy hanging out together. Ideally you would meet both boyfriends and like them. Not liking them is bad. Very bad. [Crosses out last sentence as sounding too Godfather-ish.]

    So about the companionship sex…this is what I envision: you come over for dinner and a movie. I make the world’s best chocolate cake, by the way. Maybe a bottle of wine? One thing leads to another and we end up making out like horny teenagers on the couch. [Thank goodness you can’t see how red I am writing that!]  The couch is very uncomfortable, generally speaking. I apologize in advance. Eventually we graduate into the area where I have no practical experience except for my lovely Liri making me orgasm… [you can read about that adventure here] …which ultimately leads to orgasms all-around!

    What I can offer: a lively sense of humor, the company of an aging and mildly retarded greyhound, medium tits, round ass (perfect for spanking), loyalty, intelligence and a willingness to learn. Also, I will cook you into a stupor given half a chance.

    Please don’t reply if you make loud mouth noises when eating, think Mittens Romney is anything other than an alien parasite or believe that food is irrelevant to joyful living.

    Please DO reply if you think nerds are sexy, have an undying passion for beverages and have read The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society by Mary Ann Shaffer and Annie Barrows.

    xo Heather

    Category Polyamory | Tags: ,, | 16 Comments

  6. The Twitter Hook-Up: Part 2

    February 3, 2012 by Heather Cole

    Heather

    I’ve written this post a hundred times in my head and deleted it just as many. I even imagined speaking the words to you over the phone so I could hear your voice one last time, but I knew I’d cry. I’m a fool in a lot of ways, and I see my mistakes like a neon yellow brick road stretching behind us. Hindsight being so fucking clear and all. My heart is bruised and my ego in tatters, but at least the anger is gone. Now I can sit down and put these words to paper. This is what I wish to say to you while staring into your gorgeous blue eyes, my hand cupped against the scruff of your cheek.

    Twitter was still new to me when you sent me a Direct Message. We had a few back and forth jokes to boast about on our Time Lines and some light flirting, but I was still surprised by your message. You’re a witty man. You think fast on your feet, and our conversations were playful and fun. Our banter was a beacon in the dark days of my disintegrating marriage.

    We swapped war stories about our exes, and I called you more than once in tears over some new hurt and the worries for my child. The uncanny part was our mental connection. You filled my thoughts, and my phone would vibrate moments later with a text from you. We were tender, raunchy, funny and generous with each other, and it took no time at all for my Twitter crush to shift into overdrive before I could find the safety brake.

    You were one of the first people I told about M. I was a nervous mess before I revealed this secret part of me and held my breath as I waited for you to return with a verdict. You hinted that we needed to have a serious talk. As the days stretched into weeks, your silence spoke volumes. I watched my phone obsessively, waiting for the text or call when you would finally communicate with me about it. About us.

    There’s no point in dredging up every moment, every step where I knew something wasn’t right but didn’t want to look too closely. Despite my disappointment, you continued to make me laugh. I soaked up your attention like basking in sunshine, a glimpse of light peeking through the clouds. You felt right in my heart, and I leaped into the feeling without a glance at the rocks below me. I can’t apologize for that part. I loved you. In fact, as I’m typing this, I still feel love for you.

    The promises you gave me that I was the “only one” were unnecessary. Freeing myself from the cage of my marriage meant that I wasn’t about to plunge into another commitment. I didn’t care if you were dating or fucking other women. What I asked for was honesty. So when I found out that your trip to see me also included fucking two other women, I was…

    I was standing in my kitchen, staring out the window without seeing a thing. I was crying, but it was in relief. Relief that I could let go of your judgment of me. Finally we were on equal footing.

    Then the anger arrived like the hot blast from a furnace. I called Nikki at midnight and left her a twenty minute message about what I had learned about your other relationships. Let me be very clear about this. I wasn’t pissed that you sandwiched my visit between two others, I was pissed because we didn’t use a condom. My only partner had been my husband, and you swore that you didn’t have any others. I was too excited about oral sex and an impending orgasm of epic proportions to insist. THAT is inexcusable. I’m at fault too, and I’m still kicking myself that I jeopardized the people I love the most with something so careless. When there are multiple partners, my dear, you use a fucking condom or show me the goddamn test results that you’re clean. I’ll gladly show you mine.

    Even after the emotion had washed away, I didn’t want to let you go. I think it was the vision of our potential that kept pulling me back to you, and the fact that you appreciated aspects of me that had gone unnoticed for years. Never mind that we could set a bed on fire by orgasms alone. So I stalked your TL like an obsessed detective, trying to piece together subtweets and imagined context. I combed through your mentions to scrutinize the avatars, remembering a time when you used to respond to my comments. I was unable to let go, so I made myself suffer the connection in true masochistic fashion. Until now.

    Nikki’s advice was to punch you in the nuts, and at one point, I would have delivered it with ninja-like accuracy and maniacal glee. Luckily for everyone involved (especially your future lovers) I’m not in that place any more. Instead, I wish you the best. I see you for the amazing man you are, and at the same time, see that I can’t afford to be entangled in your lies. I hope you find whatever it is that you’re looking for on your TL and the women that flock to it. Since I know for certain that you’re not looking for an STD, use a condom next time. The next vagina thanks you.

    Category Sex | Tags: ,, | No Comments

  7. The Twitter Hook-Up: Part 1

    February 1, 2012 by Nikki Blue

    Nikki

    With all of the social media outlets at our fingertips today, it’s no wonder that some people view Twitter and Facebook as viable hook-up options. Personally, the only thing I use Facebook for is to find out who died so I can strike them from my Christmas card list ASAP. Nothing turns me into a raving lunatic faster than wasting stamps. Well that and stupid people.

    Anyway.

    Unlike mega dating sites eHarmony and Match.com, the anonymity of Twitter lends a certain boost of confidence to behave like an impossibly over-sexed porn star. Especially since a hefty percentage of Twitter hook-ups are nothing more than dirty direct messages and text fucking with the occasional Skype screw. You can claim to be anyone or anything you want, and no one will be the wiser. All you have to do is say you’re a Sex God and suddenly you’re a Sex God.

    The challenging part is weeding through the bullshit, and there is a ton of it. It can be overwhelming, and at times, invisible until you’re ankle-deep. There are the wanna-be’s who’ve tried to dom me on my TL. It always makes me quirk an eyebrow because a true Dom would find that behavior deplorable. Just ask one.

    There are also the players who think they have all the bases covered as they haphazardly juggle multiple playmates, not realizing that their TL reads like a laundry list of bad deeds. Unfortunately, neither do some of the women who fall into the carefully laid trap. Try to run that game on me, and you’ll get a swift punch in the nuts.

    Then the unexpected happened when I discovered an unlikely match. Well, he discovered me and when he told me his age, I just knew I was going to hell. There was no way I could take this guy’s avatar seriously, but I couldn’t stop staring at it either. And so our innocent flirtation began with subtle innuendos and polite tweets simply saying, “how’s your day gorgeous?”

    Then the DM’s began.

    In this situation, most people would assume the DM’s blasted full speed into all-out raunch, and I’m not going to lie and say that they didn’t. In the midst of them though, we took a chance and exchanged numbers and pictures. Some dirty, some not. The conversations turned deeply personal and little by little, the protective layers slowly peeled away, exposing the real people behind the fabricated personas. That’s when we began to spend hours on the phone talking about our lives, laughing about everything imaginable, and yes, making each other cum repeatedly.

    All pretenses of a customary courtship were set aside, and we fell fast and hard because the nervousness of looking perfect and how our body language was perceived wasn’t a concern. It doesn’t get any more honest that Skyping in pajamas and no make up. It’s all what you make it. Now would I go out on a second date with him that way? HELL no, but by the time we’d reached the point where Skype was the natural next step, we’d already crossed so many boundaries it didn’t matter anymore.

    Geography can be a big hurdle, but only if you make it into one. That’s the beauty of flying the friendly skies, people. My Twitter beau and I have shared our fantasies about our first meeting, the anxiety and the lust that will consume us. I imagine with all of the hot phone sex and emotional coalescing under our belt, we’re sure to be asked to leave the airport terminal for inappropriate behavior. The best thing we can do at that point is seek privacy as quickly as possible, put out the ‘Do Not Disturb’ sign and fuck each other’s brains out.

    Over and over again.

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