Oh how I love me some sweet Jenny Lyn. If she’s vanilla, I swear I could eat soft serve every damn day. And she’s funny as the dickens too. *huge sigh* If y’all missed her post yesterday, git yer ass back there and read. After you fall in love with her, you’ll realize that we have to fight over her. Preferably in chocolate pudding with lots of “breaks” for…you know…resting and stuff.
But I digress!
This post is supposed to be about all the crazy places I’ve had sex and well…I haven’t been that crazy with location. Jenny Lyn with her wild vanilla ways has me beat hands down! In fact, you’ll read my list and be amazed at how decidedly humdrum it is. Just don’t fall asleep.
1. In a 4Runner outside a bar – The man in question was a chemist. We hung out at the same neighborhood pub, and he was wingman to this horribly awkward guy who hit on my roommate. Later I learned that Mr. Awkward humped like a bunny which just added insult to my roommate’s vagina injury. Mr. Chemist and I hit it off as we commiserated over the impending disaster of his friend and my roommate playing tonsil hockey. One thing led to another and we ended up in the back seat of his truck, LL Cool J blaring on the stereo. It was cramped and messy and amazing. Every time I hear Back Seat I get a smile on my face.
2. Pay-By-The-Hour Motel north of Quito, Ecuador – I studied abroad my senior year of college, and I studied a lot: the men, salsa dancing, the men. I lived with a host family, so any shenanigans had to be conducted apart from my bedroom, only a few steps away from where mami and papi slept. In hindsight the motel was probably a bad choice, or a tacky one at the very least.
There were a string of motels north of the city that charged by the hour and catered to the dozens of prostitutes that lined the streets of the tourist district. I ended up in such a motel with a date. The bed was circular and could easily have accommodated the entire Ecuadorian soccer team. And bonus, we had the convenience of ordering off a long menu of items: food, condoms, lube, toys, booze etc. He simply marked what we wanted on the order slip, shoved it through a slot in the door and then a buzzer sounded when our order was ready.
And that’s all I’m going to say about that.
3. Camper Outside My Parents House – Maybe my list should be called “Stupidest Places to Have Sex.” Mom and Dad, my apologies for what you’re about to read.
It was the first time I had anal sex. I had recently graduated college and was dating another recruiter from a rival college. He met my family and we went out for dinner. He and I got tipsy and I had the BRILLIANT idea of having sex in the family camper, because no one would know we were having sex. Because I was a jackass and thinking with my nether regions.
Anal sex was phenomenal! However, I didn’t realize that my ass wasn’t the only thing being pounded. One side of the camper was completely off the ground because of the force of our fucking on the other side which sunk the supports into the ground. We didn’t even notice that we weren’t level. Over the breakfast table my father asked, “you guys have fun last night?” and nodded to the window where everyone could see the lopsided camper.
I’m going to go die of remembered mortification now.