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Emotional Baggage, Meet the New Guy

November 13, 2012 by Heather Cole

I was curled up beside him when he told me about her, a submissive who wanted a discreet affair. With my head on his chest, listening to his heartbeat, I tried not to freak out. I stopped talking, my afterglow dissipating as her presence filled the small spaces between our naked bodies.

My relationship with the Boy Scout was only four weeks old, and I was still in the stage of giddy excitement where I always wore makeup and he had yet to see me wear the same outfit twice. We had our full disclosure conversations and knew who the other was dating and fucking, and he had already met my girlfriend. The last thing I wanted to do was be demanding or difficult or, God forbid, high maintenance. In the darkened bedroom after our first time as Dominant and slave, no way in hell was I about to give words to my thoughts. That’s when my emotional baggage opened up and I felt those old wounds being pushed. Old arguments, old tensions; they filled my head and I started to panic.

I confess that I can be competitive and jealous, but I’ve learned to use it as a roadmap to indicate what I really want. When I feel the green eyed monster creeping up behind me, I take a hard look at my interactions. Do I need to ask for more time with my partner? Do I need more communication? If something with my partners gives me a twinge, I’m constantly asking myself why. I have learned the hard way that I can’t compromise honesty or transparency. It can be uncomfortable and exhausting plumbing the depths of my feelings, but I knew coming out of my last poly dynamic that I needed to change some things about myself if I wanted to build healthy, fulfilling relationships in the future.

I pondered what the Boy Scout had shared with me regarding the sub and tried to define what were remnants of old relationship triggers and what was currently raising my hackles. I even called Nikki to bounce some ideas off her. She observed, “the only time you worry about other women is when they’re submissive.” She was right, dammit. So being the giant organizational whore that I am, I sat down and wrote out my fears. I even numbered them. Seeing it in black and white, it was obvious that there were two main concerns swirling through my brain; I require complete honesty and transparency from myself and my partners and the Dom who may someday own me can only own and collar one slave and that will be me.

It sucks shit to have to communicate to your sparkly new boyfriend that you have demands, that I prescribe to a poly construct but that doesn’t mean that everything he does is just peachy keen with me. Or that we’re just beginning to explore our D/s dynamic but partnering with another submissive is out of the question for me. It sucks even more to have to bare an ugly wound from a previous relationship to the person you’re attempting to impress with your wonderfulness. I had to say something though. If I was quiet and suffered in silence, I would be choosing a well-worn path to heartbreak. Those damn mile markers are tattooed into my heart, so I hit send and waited to hear back that my fears were outrageous. I waited for the Boy Scout to turn tail and run.

I’m reading through our ensuing text conversation and am amazed even now. We ended up on the exact same page, and he confirmed that it was OK to not be OK. He would rather have me say I couldn’t do something than gloss over it and have it blow up later. I was so relieved that I may have cried a little bit. (But I was home alone so it didn’t count!) I’m writing this post with a lighter heart, and I can even say the following with a steady voice. I require that if you’re going to be in my bed and in my heart I need absolute honesty and transparency between us and with our partners. And if this slave is going to her knees and gifting You with her submission, she must be the only one wearing Your collar. Wow, I rather like the sound of that.


12 Comments »

  1. Dumb Domme says:

    I’m confused! (and I have questions.)

    – Is Boyscout okay with you subbing/bottoming to Liri?
    – Can Boyscout play with someone else as long as they aren’t subbing to him?

    • Heather Cole says:

      Excellent questions, D!

      Liri tops me in a scene, but we don’t have a D/s element to our relationship outside of the dungeon. Just last Saturday, she showed Boy Scout “how the ladies do it” and they ended up co-topping me. Holy gourd, it was amazing and I have the bruises to show for it. Their sadism takes very different forms, and he loves watching me with others. *blush*

      I’m fine with Boy Scout playing with other submissives (and he does) as long is it’s not as a more established/permanent secondary relationship as part of our poly dynamic. He has other girlfriends, and I’m fine with that as long as they don’t identify as BDSM submissives and need a D/s component to their relationships. It’s the ownership aspect that I want for myself. It’s my inner slave brandishing a sword and saying, “There can be only one!” (Forgive the Highlander reference)

  2. Dumb Domme says:

    You know, you might need a sort of visual aid for readers to helps us keep everything straight. 🙂

    All of what you explained makes sense to me. And it sounds like co-topping is great fun for all parties involved!

    Never, ever apologize for jazz hands or Highlander references. They are always appropriate. 🙂

  3. Brittany says:

    Oh, FeeFees. Silly bitches, ruining all our fun.

    But this was a very good thing! NEVER compromise honesty, no matter how vulnerable it leaves you. Because it will always be worth it, one way or the other. Either he’s amazing (like he is) and accepts what you have to say and works with it, or he doesn’t – and saves you a hell of a heartbreak down the road.

    I, too, am guilty of having kept my concerns quiet because I’m embarrassed/not confident enough/want him to be happy, etc, but our battle wounds have shown us how stupid that is.

    Love! Also, I am picturing Boy Scout in a uniform…that’s not fully a uniform…caning you…*goes back to ogling pictures* I’ll reply to you at some point.

  4. Liri says:

    OH MY GOURD, HE’S YOUR BOYFRIEND?

    I’m having flashbacks to my second date with M. You remember when I looked at him and said, “You mean we’re DATING?!?”

    Sometimes having a new partner shoulder part of the weight of your baggage, at least for a little while, makes it easier. Then later on, you open up that bag and somehow all those pairs of dirty panties have transformed into a sexy set of lingerie.

    xoxo

    • Heather Cole says:

      You always know the perfect thing to say. sigh… Yes, I remember VERY WELL you and M falling in love. I loved watching you, and how you both make it work is something that teaches me good ways to do poly. xoxo

  5. I can’t thank you enough for sharing your experiences, both good and bad. I tried very hard for ten years to be monogamous and I was always miserable. I’m still learning about myself, but am very grateful to learn from afar from such an open and wonderful woman such as yourself.

  6. Phil says:

    Into every life a little sun must shine.

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