If you follow me on Twitter, you’ve probably figured out that M and I parted ways last week. It’s the most devastating break-up of my life, and at some point I’ll write about it. Right now, though, I’m too deep in it to know where to start. There are not enough words to describe losing my Master, dearest friend and lover all at one fell swoop. I’m the walking wounded, someone with a gaping hole in their my chest. Like a zombie but prettier and with better shoes.
My world has been reduced to accomplishing the basic tasks of living and caring for my daughter. Much of it is accompanied by tears, and the best way I can describe it is feeling like I’m mourning a death. But I’m getting out of bed at least.
My sexual desire has dwindled to nothing, and the thought of being part of a bdsm scene makes me hyperventilate. The man who identified my submission as a gift and who taught me that kneeling could be a powerful act is gone from my life. It feels like he took the key to my sexuality with him. In theory I know that this is temporary. One day I will want both those things again, and I’ll kneel for a different Master. Excuse me for a second while I throw up…
It’s an odd thing to not feel sexy or desirable or horny. Don’t get me wrong, there are plenty of days that I don’t feel one of them. But I’ve never had it all go away at once. Those feelings have fled, and I have no inkling of when they’ll return. I haven’t touched my vibrator or myself. My bed has become the place where I cry myself to sleep, not a place of love and fantastic sex.
B is coming to visit next week. My handsome B with his kindness and warmth and understanding. I want to be a good girlfriend. I want this visit to be like our last with lots of sex and love and laughter. But I’m afraid that I can’t. I’m afraid that he’ll hold me and I won’t be able to stop sobbing.
I talked about my lack of a sex drive for the first time a couple days ago. I explained to B that it wasn’t that I didn’t want to have sex with him, I just don’t want to have sex at all. Great explanation, right? Very reassuring. But he was understanding and wonderfully supportive. He said that he wanted to be with me regardless of whether or not we had sex. I felt better after he said it, but there was a whisper of doubt in my head. What if your sexual feelings never come back?
I trust that everything will return to normal at some point. Everyone is telling me that, even though I can’t feel it with any certainty. I know the words to say and the actions of flirting and sex, but I have none of the powerful emotion that fuels it. It’s like holding someone’s hand in the dark. I know that the darkness can’t last forever, but I can’t see the pinprick of light in the distance yet. I can only grasp the hands around me and hold tight and wait for the sun.