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Ask Heather – Why oh why

January 21, 2013 by Heather Cole

Dear Heather

I do have a question for you though and I hope you don’t mind me asking and feel free not to answer it, but I’m just trying to understand the Sub thing more. So……

I can understand giving yourself up as Sub to a Dom in a sexual context, but I find it harder to understand how, as an obviously strong and self-assured woman, you keep that going in your day-to-day life.

I’m referring to the situation when you and your fella are at the table and you miss a message from him and are mortified that you missed it and want to put your head in his lap.

Please don’t think I’m disapproving of this, but if someone had have done that to me I’d have told them to feck off and stop bossing me about. Sooooooo my question is….. what is the motivation for living the Sub life as a lifestyle choice as opposed to a sexual episode thing?

Is it that it’s an instinctive feeling that dominates your being? Where does the feeling of satisfaction at being beholden to someone come from?

Sorry if this sounds rude, I’m not disapproving (as if I’d have a right to), but I find it fascinating that a woman who seems to self-assured and confident within herself would wish to have someone dictate their movements or feelings.

Hope you don’t mind me asking.



Dear Anon:

I don’t mind you asking these questions at all, because I ask myself the same ones a lot. Plus you’re so very polite… how can I resist answering?

To begin with, I have no definitive answer as to why I’m submissive. I suppose you could compare it to being bisexual. God made me this way. *shrug* It’s trite but true. There are some genetics at play, I’m sure, because my father is extremely submissive. He’d rather die than admit it, but the man can’t make one decision for himself. His wife does. Add to that my rural, traditional upbringing and throw in a dash of God’s great sense of humor = Heather Cole.

As to my particular brand of submission–there are hundreds of versions of submission like there are styles of kinky or flavors of ice cream. It’s not a feeling of being beholden to my Sir, rather, it’s the drive to please him. When we are in the space of Dominant and slave, my only focus is him. My mission is to please him in whatever way he desires whether that’s by baking him brownies or wearing a butt plug or crawling behind him wearing a collar and leash. I get off on making him the center of my universe for that span of time.

Have you ever wished that someone would take control of your life for just a little while so that you didn’t have to make all the decisions and shoulder all the responsibility? In my opinion, my submission is an extension of that wish. Together Sir and I make a safe place for me to do exactly that. He gets to dominate and command me while I get the joy of not having to decide a blessed thing. I’m focused solely on pleasing him in whatever way he wishes. I am free. I am his.

Yes, it’s a complete contradiction to my daily persona! I’m fully aware that I don’t want my Dom to control everything about me. In fact, I need more autonomy than many of the other slaves I know. For example, I’d never permit him to dictate what I wrote or how I raised my child. However, when he and I are together, I find great freedom in allowing all my emotional walls to dissolve so that I can place my entire being into the hands of my loving Dominant. I want him to hurt me, mold me into the thing he desires then to use me until I’m nothing but a spent pile of limbs on the bed.

I believe that submission, just like sexuality, is fluid. There have been times in my life where I’ve locked that submission away so that I could roll up my sleeves and get to work and other times where I was nothing but a submissive pain slut living in the moment of pleasing my Sir. I’m sure I’ll ride those fluctuations again. But even when I put her away so that I can live some other part of my life, she’s there. Patiently waiting in that dark closet to come out. When she does? Well, the words “sexual apocalypse” have been uttered.

Thank you so much for writing!




  1. devasha says:

    Great question and answer….answered a few of my

  2. Britt says:

    Lovely as always 🙂

  3. Callie says:

    Good question, and very good answer too.

    Loved this line – “I believe that submission, just like sexuality, is fluid.” I fully agree, and it’s embracing those changes that make it so difficult to pinpoint and understand. It’s easier to accept and enjoy each moment for what is, just one stop on a long journey.

    • Heather Cole says:

      I couldn’t agree more, Callie! How I articulate my submission today is going to be different from what I say in the future. Enjoying where I am today is the best thing I can do for me and my partners. Acceptance of change is a challenge, isn’t it? But SO worth it. xo

  4. Molly says:

    I think this is beautiful well thought out and articulated response to the question posed. I think we share quite a similar view point of our submission and how it fits into our lives. I have my own money and we live in my house, but he is main wage earner now… we are parenting my children together and although at times this has been a massive challenge for us as it would any couple I think the D/s nature of our marriage has actually helped us to navigate these hurdles because we have a strong and powerful level of communication that we share.


    • Heather Cole says:

      Molly – I love what you said about communication. I agree that the D/s aspect can facilitate better communication, and I think establishing a healthy D/s dynamic often serves as a solid foundation for regular relationships. Thank you for your thoughtful comment! xoxo

  5. antonioangelo21 says:

    There is joy in playing the game if it ever gets to the point where the joy is gone then you stop re-evaluate and make adjustments. Obviously like everything in life some people take it to far.

    Some people are submissive and dont even realize it when i was a kid My friends father was the biggest asshole you ever met, he never got off the couch if he wanted something he told his wife and she jumped up and got it smiling. I always thought wow what a jerk, how can he treat a sweetheart like her like that, but she took pleasure in taking care of her man. As I got older I began to notice that there was a return in the relationship she loved when he would slap her ass and she beamed when he called her darling. Everyone else (meaning me and other “normal people”) thought it was boorish horrible behavior but there was a method to it. Did they ever get to dog collars and leather, probably not but you never know. 😉

    • Heather Cole says:

      Antonio – I love that anecdote! Submission and a healthy Dominant/submissive dynamic can really put a twist on our “normal” assumptions about relationships. Oh that nice slap on the ass on your way to the kitchen… lovely! Now you’ve inspired me to grab my apron and get to cooking.

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