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Posts Tagged ‘Ask Heather’

  1. Ask Heather – Tips for a Newbie Kinkster

    February 4, 2015 by Heather Cole

    Orange candy heart that reads ask me against white background.Hi Heather,

    I just wanted to thank you and Nikki for having such an amazing blog! I am just getting into the kink world and I don’t even know where to find people to fit in. Do you have any tips for someone who’s a timid person to break into the kink community?

    Thanks so much,

    JxF

     

    Dear JxF:

    Thanks for the compliment, sugar britches, and thanks for your great question. Your timing couldn’t be better, because I’m co-writing a book with a fellow kinkster about dating kinky and all the ins and outs that go with it. Heh. In and out. The book will be out in February, but until then (I’d never make you wait that long, sweetie!), let’s chat about where the wild things are.

    You’ve probably already taken a look at our Beginner’s Kink page, and there are some good newbie Q&A on the Ask Heather page too. Especially Mr. RSVP who had to be educated in appropriate party etiquette. In the RSVP post I also mentioned a Munch, which pertains to your situation specifically, but we’ll get to that in a moment.

    Probably the easiest way for you to connect with your kinkster community is to create an account on Fetlife. There are other kinky social media sites out there, but Fetlife is my favorite because I’ve found that it’s the easiest way to connect with the goings-on in my local community. Once you have an account, you can search for groups in your geographical area. There will be discussion threads for each group, announcements, and after a little bit of searching, I’m certain you’ll discover the time and location of your local Munch.

    On Fetlife you’ll also find individual writings where kinksters share their personal musings, and that can be educational as well. Or at the very least, eye-opening and/or amusing.

    The nice thing about kinky social media, as with all social media, is that you can lurk. I don’t mean that in a creeper way either. For those of us who are shy (yes, I can be shy too in new situations) it’s nice to read about events or activities before actually attending and participating. Am I right? For example, I joined the group that hosts our local Slave Hunt and read all the threads and discussions for a year before I summoned the courage to attend a Hunt in person. Reading about something isn’t exactly like experiencing it, but research helps ease my nervousness about taking the plunge into something new.

    This leads me the most reassuring part about entering the kink community. There are events, called Munches, that are specifically designed to welcome interested people to the community. They typically take place in a vanilla setting, like a restaurant. (I like eating bacon while meeting new people.) There may be a topic of discussion for that particular meeting, or it may be a purely social, meet-n-greet. I was a bundle of butterflies when I attended my first Munch at a local seafood restaurant. The food was terrible, but the people were incredibly friendly. They didn’t hesitate to introduce themselves and encouraged me to look them up on Fetlife. And every single one of them invited me back to the next Munch.

    Another great aspect to a Munch is that if someone approaches you to play, or wants to know you better, a Munch offers a neutral place to meet and talk. In fact, I’ve offered to take a friend to a Munch, so she can start meeting other kinksters in a safe environment that holds no pressure for newbies. Shoot, you don’t have to talk to another soul if you don’t want to, although I highly encourage you to say more than “pass the salt, please.” The feeling of finding people who are like you, interested in kink, is the greatest gift. Knowing that you’re not alone in the world and “weird” for liking the things that you do… that feeling is worth its weight in gold. I encourage you to reach out and take that first step to a Munch, and trust me, everyone is nervous their first time. Every single one of us was a newbie kinkster in the beginning.

    As with all things social, it may take some exploration to find the group of people that you really “click” with. There are millions of flavors of “kink,” and as a newbie, it will take time and experiences for you to figure out where you fit best. Or rather, with which people you feel the greatest connection. It can feel intimidating when you’re new, but we won’t bite unless you ask us. Once you’ve joined a kink-friendly social media site and start searching, new worlds will open up. We’re out here, and we want to welcome you. Just take that first step and meet us halfway.

    Hugs and Good luck!

    ~Heather

    Have a burning question about BDSM, kink, or sex? (The kind of burning that doesn’t need penicillin.) Write me and ask away! heathercole@vaginaantics.com


  2. Dear Heather: A Knotty Problem

    February 5, 2014 by Heather Cole

    Hi Heather,

    I just recently stumbled across y’all site and really appreciate the humor and candor y’all bring to the conversation about sex. To give you a bit of background I am a 20 year old virgin who’s never been in a serious relationship and has been increasingly curious about both sex in general (of the vanilla variety) and, in particular, rope bondage. I found pictures of women tied up or suspended online and found it to be, well, beautiful. Could you tell me more about rope bondage in general? Is there a safe way for me to explore being tied up by someone? How can I find someone trustworthy enough to know they wont leave me hanging (both literally and figuratively)?

    Thanks so much,

    Fit To Be Tied

    Dear Fit:

    Rope bondage is a fetish near and dear to my heart. In fact, those of us who get creamy (or hard, depending on your equipment) at the prospect of being tied are called “rope bunnies.” I started like you. I fell in love with rope fetish photography, black and white in particular, and from the first image that loaded on my Tumblr, I knew that I wanted to be that girl.

    I’m lucky to have a sir who loves to tie me up and a good friend who is a nationally recognized rigger (the men and women who specialize in rope bondage). My first rope scene was one of the most powerful I’ve ever experienced, and there was no sex at all. However, most of my rope scenes have been with the shibari style of rope bondage. Natural fibers are my fave, but people can use (and do use) a variety of materials to tie.

    I’ve been suspended once in a rope class that I attended with sir, and I had mixed feelings about it. You can read about it here. Rope suspension is a different ballgame. There’s a giant laundry list of safety concerns, but the results can be amazing. Also keep in mind that sometimes what’s represented in photos isn’t how it works in real life. Supporting ropes can be photoshopped out, and sometimes models aren’t in the air longer than the time it takes to snap the photo.

    Rope, in my humble opinion, is about energy. It’s the physical representation of sexual energy between you and partner, and it can enhance a scene like nothing else. I find joy in the process of being bound, my limbs rendered useless or as leverage to pin me into position. The feel of the rope sliding across my skin, the smell of the fibers and the heat from his hands moving me where he wants… It’s a form of intimacy, and between my sir and me, it’s about love and desire and domination.

    Even with the best of intentions, rope can also be unwieldy, unruly and a pain in the ass for everyone including experienced riggers. Like anything else in BDSM, it’s good to take your time to gain experience because although we love the thrill and the rush, we want to do it safely. No pinched nerves or cut off circulation, please.

    Finding a person to tie you up won’t be hard. If you check out a fetish website like Fetlife, you’ll find ALL sorts of people who are into rope, and a bunch of them would love to get their hands on you. But you want to find someone you can trust who will make your safety a priority, someone who will respect your boundaries and limits. Rope doesn’t have to include sex, but if it does you want to make doubly sure that you’re playing with someone that you respect and trust. So how do you find this person?

    The first step is for you to know something about rope bondage. Education is the key to empowerment and making your rope fantasies come true, and you need to make make good, informed choices to do so. I’m not saying that you need a Master’s Degree, but you should attend some basic rope classes. You won’t need a partner to attend, but it’s great moral support if you can find a friend to go with you. If you search Fetlife for groups in your area, you’ll be sure to find one in your city or the closest one to your location. Another good resource would be to find your local munch. Make friends with leaders in your local kink community, and they can point you in the direction of knowledgeable rope people. Once you know a little more about rope then you’ll know better what you’re looking for in a rope partner. Classes will also give you the chance to get tied up in a public place with an experienced teacher watching over you. DON’T believe someone’s line about having a “private dungeon” where they insist on tying you alone.

    The bottom line is that the more you know about rope and your own desires, the more you’ll be able to ascertain what it is that you want for your own personal rope experience. Keep in mind that all of us are on a journey, and your thoughts and ideas about rope will change as you gain experience. Be kind to yourself as you discover your path, and be smart. Don’t go with the first person who tosses a hank of rope in your direction.

    Hugs in hemp,

    Heather

    P.S. Here’s a pic of me in a shibari tie for my next book cover.

    Edwardian2 (1)


  3. Ask Heather – Why oh why

    January 21, 2013 by Heather Cole

    Dear Heather

    I do have a question for you though and I hope you don’t mind me asking and feel free not to answer it, but I’m just trying to understand the Sub thing more. So……

    I can understand giving yourself up as Sub to a Dom in a sexual context, but I find it harder to understand how, as an obviously strong and self-assured woman, you keep that going in your day-to-day life.

    I’m referring to the situation when you and your fella are at the table and you miss a message from him and are mortified that you missed it and want to put your head in his lap.

    Please don’t think I’m disapproving of this, but if someone had have done that to me I’d have told them to feck off and stop bossing me about. Sooooooo my question is….. what is the motivation for living the Sub life as a lifestyle choice as opposed to a sexual episode thing?

    Is it that it’s an instinctive feeling that dominates your being? Where does the feeling of satisfaction at being beholden to someone come from?

    Sorry if this sounds rude, I’m not disapproving (as if I’d have a right to), but I find it fascinating that a woman who seems to self-assured and confident within herself would wish to have someone dictate their movements or feelings.

    Hope you don’t mind me asking.

    Anonymous

     

    Dear Anon:

    I don’t mind you asking these questions at all, because I ask myself the same ones a lot. Plus you’re so very polite… how can I resist answering?

    To begin with, I have no definitive answer as to why I’m submissive. I suppose you could compare it to being bisexual. God made me this way. *shrug* It’s trite but true. There are some genetics at play, I’m sure, because my father is extremely submissive. He’d rather die than admit it, but the man can’t make one decision for himself. His wife does. Add to that my rural, traditional upbringing and throw in a dash of God’s great sense of humor = Heather Cole.

    As to my particular brand of submission–there are hundreds of versions of submission like there are styles of kinky or flavors of ice cream. It’s not a feeling of being beholden to my Sir, rather, it’s the drive to please him. When we are in the space of Dominant and slave, my only focus is him. My mission is to please him in whatever way he desires whether that’s by baking him brownies or wearing a butt plug or crawling behind him wearing a collar and leash. I get off on making him the center of my universe for that span of time.

    Have you ever wished that someone would take control of your life for just a little while so that you didn’t have to make all the decisions and shoulder all the responsibility? In my opinion, my submission is an extension of that wish. Together Sir and I make a safe place for me to do exactly that. He gets to dominate and command me while I get the joy of not having to decide a blessed thing. I’m focused solely on pleasing him in whatever way he wishes. I am free. I am his.

    Yes, it’s a complete contradiction to my daily persona! I’m fully aware that I don’t want my Dom to control everything about me. In fact, I need more autonomy than many of the other slaves I know. For example, I’d never permit him to dictate what I wrote or how I raised my child. However, when he and I are together, I find great freedom in allowing all my emotional walls to dissolve so that I can place my entire being into the hands of my loving Dominant. I want him to hurt me, mold me into the thing he desires then to use me until I’m nothing but a spent pile of limbs on the bed.

    I believe that submission, just like sexuality, is fluid. There have been times in my life where I’ve locked that submission away so that I could roll up my sleeves and get to work and other times where I was nothing but a submissive pain slut living in the moment of pleasing my Sir. I’m sure I’ll ride those fluctuations again. But even when I put her away so that I can live some other part of my life, she’s there. Patiently waiting in that dark closet to come out. When she does? Well, the words “sexual apocalypse” have been uttered.

    Thank you so much for writing!

    Smooches,

    Heather


  4. Ask Heather – Tie her up?

    December 29, 2012 by Heather Cole

    Dear Heather:

    I’ve been kinda getting to know this AWESOME girl. I went to my first rope tying munch with her this weekend, and we really had a great time.  It is clear to me that she enjoyed it.  She is much more experienced than I am, but totally patient, and I think into the fact that I am taking initiative to learn.   Really sweet girl! The lessons at this particular ropes class were fairly advanced.  Way above my head, as they were geared toward ties for curvy women, specifically for suspension.  This is probably not a newsflash for you, but I save a little bit on rent because I opted for the unit (hehe, “unit”) that did NOT have the power wench in the guest-room ceiling.  Who knew at the time?  😉    No, all jokes aside, I’m neither equipped, nor knowledgeable enough to do any serious suspension, or advanced bondage, yet our date will probably involve a little (or lot) of rope play.   
     
    Me, being me, I’m finally coming around to the point….
     
    Anyway, I can do a box-tie of her arms behind her back (likely with a good internet connection, or a few books in hand), could probably muddle my way through an over the shoulder or under the boobs harness, which I think she’d totally be into.  I can do a drum harness on the butt/legs, and could probably read up enough to tie ankles or knees.  I’ve read up on all the safety precautions, and I do have scissors that are capable of easily cutting the rope I have, if needed.  What I don’t know, is where to start.  Obviously, it’s a personal thing, and what one person likes, another may not.  I get that, but I thought I’d ask you for maybe some directional pointers.   EG:  what is common and universally likely to be enjoyed.   As a beginner do I just go with “Rope Play and experimentation”, and make that somewaht sensual in itself?  Or are there some things I can do to incorporate more play into a lite scene?   (FWIW, I don’t plan on it getting sexual yet.  Taking it slow with this person, yet keeping an open mind.)
    Thanks for indulging me!
    Rope Newbie
    Dear Newbie:
    Silly man, you can always ask me questions. How to start playing is a good one! Especially since it’s a new relationship and you’re learning about each other. Whether you realize it or not, you already know where to begin. The basics you listed are pretty impressive. I’m a rope newbie myself, and you’ve already made me swoon a little bit with your descriptions. Willingness to learn and try new things trumps inexperience every single time. You have the bonus of going to a class together, and if she’s attracted to your initiative to learn more, then I would approach it like you want to try some stuff out with her. Something like, “I was thinking about trying out this tie with you. Want to experiment with me?”

    Here’s a link to my first rope scene. It was sensual yet basic. Rope feels alive to me, and what heightened the experience was that I was instructed to keep my eyes shut. Master Cecil ran the rope over my shoulders and breasts before he began an over the shoulder harness. My eyes were shut the entire time, and it was as much about the rope and being bound as it was the energy between us. (I know that sounds cheesy but it’s true.) Nothing sexual happened between us but it was sensual and amazing. One of my most favorite scenes ever.

    I hope my suggestions help. Just be yourself. Your amazing, funny, handsome self. You’ll knock her socks off. Well, tie them up or over or whatever.

    Smooches!

    Heather