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Posts Tagged ‘newbie kinksters’

  1. Ask Heather: Is This Dom Copacetic?

    March 11, 2013 by Heather Cole

    Hi,
    I was referred to you by a man who identifies himself as a Dom. I’m struggling mightily here and don’t know what to do.
    I have been in relationship with a Master for almost 2 months now. We met on Twitter and we skype, etc., so I am confident that he is male, etc.
    When we first began chatting, he told me immediately to either submit or not; in other words, the choice to be His slave had to be made very quickly. I was collared within three days.
    He follows a Gorean model, that is, i am a full slave, this is a TPE…he used to tell me i had a long way to go but now he has requested that I move to be with him within 2 weeks. There are no safe words, etc. This would be ok, I think, except today he sent me a pic of someone else fellating him. I knew there were other women but I don’t want to see the pix and this surprised and hurt me. Also he is not willing to provide any documentation that he is free of stds, however I am supposed to provide such to him.
    He has asked that I scan and email my bank statements and pay stubs to him.
    I just don’t know if I can really do this and if this is what it is really like…I’ve had two Doms prior to this Master but i was the first sub for both of them and neither relationship ended well.
    So I guess my question is, does this sound copacetic? Does it sound like…typing it all out, part of my brain is screaming RUN AWAY FAST. lol. But I do so want to belong to an alpha male who will guide me to be my best…
    Any advice you can give would be appreciated.
    Thanks,
    Would Be Slave
    Dear Would Be:

    My first reaction is to agree with your brain that screams RUN AWAY FAST. There are so many red flags in this man’s behavior that I almost didn’t know where to begin. In other words, RUN AWAY FAST. Here are my top concerns:

    1. The “Gorean model” that you refer to is literally based on the science fiction novels by John Norman. In other words, Gorean philosophy is to kink what Scientology is to religion. Interestingly enough you don’t have to be a slave to be Gorean, and many people who follow the Gorean philosophy don’t own slaves at all. However, I don’t understand at all what appeals to slaves who choose this, because you’re essentially signing up to a fantasy where you have no sovereign rights. Gorean philosophy says that you do whatever your Master says without recourse or protection. There’s no safeword in this scenario. What if he wants you to pluck his butt hairs? Or sign over your entire paycheck? What if he told you that you had to give away your dog? Saying that “this is the Gorean way” is code for “I’m the Dom and I’m going to do whatever I want and you’re going to shut up and take it, Would Be Slave.” Sweet cheeks, if you want to follow some science fiction philosophy, I can recommend WAY better novels than this crap.

    2. Collaring – Being collared is a huge deal, and as much as it’s about being considered by a Dom, it’s also YOU considering HIM. Yes, you have power as a slave. Dumb Domme wrote a great post about the consideration phase here. I wrote about my own trials and tribulations with consideration too, because it’s a process that can take months and months. And even after all that time and trying different things, the dynamic may never work how you’d want it to. The fact that he told you that you had to make this life-changing decision in three days reeks of manipulation and coercion. If he had any desire to build a D/s relationship on trust and caring, he would give both of you ample time to foster those feelings in one another. For heaven’s sakes, you haven’t even talked about whether or not other partners are ok and if you want pictures of it! He seems to have given you the feedback that you ‘have a long way to go,’ but what about him? What’s he doing to impress you and convince you that he’s the owner you want? My bet is that he’s doing nothing except trying to control your every move.

    3. Your Health – I don’t care what the lifestyle is, if this man wants to have sexual intercourse with you then he should be completely honest with you about his STD test results. Good health is precious, and if he cares about you, he’ll answer all your questions and show you his bill of health. If he has an STD like herpes, for example, it’s imperative that you know what the risks are if you choose to have sex. The reverse is just as true. In my humble opinion, full disclosure is imperative to a good relationship. You shouldn’t gamble your good health on a man who won’t give you a straight answer.

    4. Your Money – Any person (I don’t care if it’s the President of the United States)  who starts demanding access to your private information before you’ve met in person WANTS TO TAKE YOUR MONEY. I’m concerned if you give him your financial information, he’ll swindle you. By the time you figure it out or your relationship suddenly sours, he will have spent all of your life savings.

    My dear Would Be, I deeply empathize with your desire for ownership. As a slave, I recognize that driving need within you. I feel a similar need in me. However, we choose our Dominants just as they choose us, and we need to select someone who helps us be better than who we are today. The man who owns you should value you as he would his most valued treasure and seek to guide you to be the best slave possible. A good Dom like that doesn’t grow on trees, but I know they’re out there. Listen to your heart, Would Be. Your heart is saying this guy isn’t worth it, and I agree. He doesn’t deserve you.

    Hugs,
    Heather


  2. A Very Good Place to Start (cue Julie Andrews)

    August 3, 2012 by Heather Cole

    I find myself saying “I’m not looking for a Dom” a lot these days. I tell my significant people, my mama, Nikki and the men who message me on Fetlife. I say it to myself the most, usually when I’m crying because I miss my ex-Master so much. It’s too soon to begin looking. I’m still in the deep sadness that comes from losing someone I loved and served. However, the day will come when I’ll want to find a new Dom. I had the amusing thought that this places me in the same boat as all the other submissives on the same mission. With the current popularity of bdsm in pop culture, me and hundreds of other people will be looking for their perfect Dominant or submissive or switch. This thought was quickly followed by, “how the fuck all am I going to do that?” Followed by, “I need a nap.” I’m not ready to shove my boat back into the vast ocean of kink yet, but let’s talk about the good places to start.

    What I don’t know is a lot – As a hardcore nerd, I place great faith in the written word. My journey into bdsm began with an online relationship and a stack of reading material. If you go to our Beginner’s Kink page, you’ll find the building blocks of my bdsm library. Over a year ago I was anxious to learn the fundamental definitions and equipment of my new way of life. This time around I have different questions. What’s proper play party etiquette? What’s the best way to negotiate a scene with a Dom I don’t know well? How does polyamory fit into my needs as a slave? And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. At this point, I have more questions than I have answers. Rather than going to my knees for the first Dominant who crooks a finger at me, I’m feeding my brain first and trusting that the rest will follow.

    Call on your community – When I came out of the closet about being kinky, one of the things I wanted to do was connect with my community. Finding fellow kinksters was good for support, friendship and education. At the time, however, my ex-husband was trying to destroy my life, and I couldn’t connect with anyone in the community because it would have been used as ammunition against me. This time it’s different. I’ve found classes for newbies and workshops on all sorts of fetishes. I’m on Fetlife and making kinky friends both virtually and locally. Some days I log into my account on Fet and just stare at the thousands of different ways that people celebrate their kink and feel very much like the Country Mouse visiting its cosmopolitan cousin, the City Mouse. I’m still new in a lot of ways.

    The virtues of virtual exploration – As I said before, my bdsm journey started in the virtual world. In fact, virtual bdsm is a fetish in its own right. I know several skilled Dominants that only have virtual submissives. The beauty of virtual Dominance/submission is that it happens in the safety and privacy of your own home. My slave training began in my kitchen with a set of thick wooden spoons from WilliamSonoma. With His first command to hit my ass with a spoon, I began exploring my masochism and submission. I learned to orgasm on command and protocols were established that we maintained for the life of our M/s dynamic. I don’t know that I could go back to a virtual relationship after feeling a Master’s hands around my neck, but it was the perfect place for me to start.

    I suppose when it boils down to it, I’ll follow a similar path that I did before. I’ll read as much as I can, ask lots of questions and look for that Dominant spark. I also have significant others to help me through the process, and I trust them implicitly. Even with all these resources, it’s still difficult for me to imagine embarking on that voyage. For the moment, I’m content to just dip my toes in and stare at the horizon over the sea of my ambivalence.