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Ask Heather: Is This Dom Copacetic?

March 11, 2013 by Heather Cole

I was referred to you by a man who identifies himself as a Dom. I’m struggling mightily here and don’t know what to do.
I have been in relationship with a Master for almost 2 months now. We met on Twitter and we skype, etc., so I am confident that he is male, etc.
When we first began chatting, he told me immediately to either submit or not; in other words, the choice to be His slave had to be made very quickly. I was collared within three days.
He follows a Gorean model, that is, i am a full slave, this is a TPE…he used to tell me i had a long way to go but now he has requested that I move to be with him within 2 weeks. There are no safe words, etc. This would be ok, I think, except today he sent me a pic of someone else fellating him. I knew there were other women but I don’t want to see the pix and this surprised and hurt me. Also he is not willing to provide any documentation that he is free of stds, however I am supposed to provide such to him.
He has asked that I scan and email my bank statements and pay stubs to him.
I just don’t know if I can really do this and if this is what it is really like…I’ve had two Doms prior to this Master but i was the first sub for both of them and neither relationship ended well.
So I guess my question is, does this sound copacetic? Does it sound like…typing it all out, part of my brain is screaming RUN AWAY FAST. lol. But I do so want to belong to an alpha male who will guide me to be my best…
Any advice you can give would be appreciated.
Would Be Slave
Dear Would Be:

My first reaction is to agree with your brain that screams RUN AWAY FAST. There are so many red flags in this man’s behavior that I almost didn’t know where to begin. In other words, RUN AWAY FAST. Here are my top concerns:

1. The “Gorean model” that you refer to is literally based on the science fiction novels by John Norman. In other words, Gorean philosophy is to kink what Scientology is to religion. Interestingly enough you don’t have to be a slave to be Gorean, and many people who follow the Gorean philosophy don’t own slaves at all. However, I don’t understand at all what appeals to slaves who choose this, because you’re essentially signing up to a fantasy where you have no sovereign rights. Gorean philosophy says that you do whatever your Master says without recourse or protection. There’s no safeword in this scenario. What if he wants you to pluck his butt hairs? Or sign over your entire paycheck? What if he told you that you had to give away your dog? Saying that “this is the Gorean way” is code for “I’m the Dom and I’m going to do whatever I want and you’re going to shut up and take it, Would Be Slave.” Sweet cheeks, if you want to follow some science fiction philosophy, I can recommend WAY better novels than this crap.

2. Collaring – Being collared is a huge deal, and as much as it’s about being considered by a Dom, it’s also YOU considering HIM. Yes, you have power as a slave. Dumb Domme wrote a great post about the consideration phase here. I wrote about my own trials and tribulations with consideration too, because it’s a process that can take months and months. And even after all that time and trying different things, the dynamic may never work how you’d want it to. The fact that he told you that you had to make this life-changing decision in three days reeks of manipulation and coercion. If he had any desire to build a D/s relationship on trust and caring, he would give both of you ample time to foster those feelings in one another. For heaven’s sakes, you haven’t even talked about whether or not other partners are ok and if you want pictures of it! He seems to have given you the feedback that you ‘have a long way to go,’ but what about him? What’s he doing to impress you and convince you that he’s the owner you want? My bet is that he’s doing nothing except trying to control your every move.

3. Your Health – I don’t care what the lifestyle is, if this man wants to have sexual intercourse with you then he should be completely honest with you about his STD test results. Good health is precious, and if he cares about you, he’ll answer all your questions and show you his bill of health. If he has an STD like herpes, for example, it’s imperative that you know what the risks are if you choose to have sex. The reverse is just as true. In my humble opinion, full disclosure is imperative to a good relationship. You shouldn’t gamble your good health on a man who won’t give you a straight answer.

4. Your Money – Any person (I don’t care if it’s the President of the United States)  who starts demanding access to your private information before you’ve met in person WANTS TO TAKE YOUR MONEY. I’m concerned if you give him your financial information, he’ll swindle you. By the time you figure it out or your relationship suddenly sours, he will have spent all of your life savings.

My dear Would Be, I deeply empathize with your desire for ownership. As a slave, I recognize that driving need within you. I feel a similar need in me. However, we choose our Dominants just as they choose us, and we need to select someone who helps us be better than who we are today. The man who owns you should value you as he would his most valued treasure and seek to guide you to be the best slave possible. A good Dom like that doesn’t grow on trees, but I know they’re out there. Listen to your heart, Would Be. Your heart is saying this guy isn’t worth it, and I agree. He doesn’t deserve you.



  1. Devasha says:

    So lets start at the beginning and stick little red flags into the trunks of the huge white elephants as they walk thru the room with large red roses hanging out of their asses(can you see them?)…yeah those over there with the words RUN painted on their sides. Okay, Regardless of whatever lifestyle you choose, there is no replacing common sense. I can understand her9 THE WRITER) not being sure abut the Gorean Model stuff( hell i didn’t know what that was and i am not even gonna get started on the no safe word thing) but her Spidey Senses should have gone off at the denial of the clean bill of STD health.. WTF, honey if you want to be here for awhile, you have to be your own health ADVOCATE, just because you want to bow at your masters feet doesn’t mean you don’t stand up for yourself ,if you don’t who will?
    Now, lets slid into the bank account stuff( i am sorry, am i the only one who smells that shit falling from the elephants ass) Sounds like a scam, a cruel nasty scam to part you from your money. Not only your money, but your identity too, So much more goes along with bank info than the loss of money.
    I know that i am not a submissive , and i am not sure if that in itself brings some other stuff to the table, but i am human and a woman. So this human female would say to you, trust your FIRST instinct and RUN!!!!! RUN AWAY FAST.

    • Heather Cole says:

      The term “advocate” is perfect in this instance. You’re right, Devasha, we ALL need to be our own health advocates regardless of sexual identity and lifestyle choices. Good health should never be squandered.

      I understand getting swept away in the excitement of a new relationship with new possibilities. But first instincts should be honored. I agree about trusting your gut. Run away is right!

    • Nikki Blue says:

      I’m gonna paint purple polka dots on the white elephants because EVERYONE notices purple.

  2. I sympathize with Would Be, but at what point did we stop trusting our instincts? If it seems wrong, it probably is. I’m glad she backed off when she did.

  3. […] several awful moments all I could think about was the unflattering things I said about followers of Gore in a “Dear Heather” post last month. Never in a million years would I have discounted the woman […]

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